A Letter and A Prayer

Open Letters That Matter

When I was six years old, I gave my first bl*wjob.“It’s a game”, said He. “Don’t you want to play?”

It was too big, and I threw up on him.
He said I’d do better the next time.

When I was seven years old, I watched a group of fellow second graders cheer as a boy in my class tried to kiss me. He hugged me from behind, giggling all the while.
I threw sand in his eyes, and was sent to the Principal.

When I was eight years old, I had an elderly teacher ask me to stay behind in class. He carried me on his shoulders, and called me pretty.
“Teacher’s Pet!” my friends declared, the envy visible on their faces.
They ignored me at lunch that day.

When I was nine years old, an older girl on the school bus would ask me to lift my skirt up for her. She was pretty and kind, and told me that I could only be her friend if I did what she said.
I wanted to be her friend.

When I was ten years old, a relative demanded that he get a kiss on the cheek every time we met. He was large and loud, and I proceeded to hide under my bed whenever I learnt that he was visiting.
I was known as a rude child.

When I was eleven, my auto-man told me that we would only leave if I gave him a hug every day.
He smelled like cheap soap and cigarettes.

When I was twelve years old, I watched as a man on the street touched my mother’s breast as he passed us. She slapped him amidst the shouts of onlookers telling her to calm down.
She didn’t calm down.

When I was thirteen years old, I exited a restaurant only to see a man visibly masturbating as he walked towards me. As he passed, he winked lasciviously.
My friends and I shifted our gazes down, aghast.

When I was fourteen, a young man in an expensive car followed me home as I walked back from an evening class. I ignored his offer to give me a ride, and I panicked when he got out, only to buy me a box of chocolate that I refused. He parked at the end of my road, and didn’t go away for an hour.
“It turns me on to see you so scared.”

When I was fifteen, I was groped on a bus. It was with a heart full of shame that I confided in a friend, only to be met with his anger and disappointment that I had not shouted at the molester at the time when it happened. My soft protests of being afraid and alone were drowned out as he berated my inaction. To him, my passiveness and silence were the reasons why things like this continue to happen.
He did not wait for my response.

When I was sixteen, I discovered that Facebook had a section of inbox messages named ‘others’, which contained those mails received from strangers, automatically stored as spam. Curious, I opened it to find numerous messages from men I had never seen before. I was propositioned, called sexy, asked for nudes, and insulted.
Delete message.

When I was seventeen, I called for help as a drunken man tried to sexually harass me in a crowded street.
The people around me seemed to walk by quicker.

At eighteen, I was told that sexism doesn’t exist in modern society.
I was told that harassment couldn’t be as bad as us women make it out to be.
That I should watch what I wear.
Never mind you were six, never mind you were wearing pink pajamas.
That I should be louder.
But not too loud, a lady must be polite.
That I should always ask for help.
But stop overreacting, there’s a difference.
That I should stay in at night, because it isn’t safe.
You can’t get harassed in broad daylight.
That I should always travel with no less than two boys with me.
You need to be protected.

That it can’t be that hard to be a girl.

I am now nineteen years old.
I am now tired.

By Anonymous
Artwork by Mayka

Eloquent, Heartbreaking and for those many who are Blind to the World - Very, very Common. This does not shock me - I have heard this life story from hundreds of women, all with their own unique, sickening twists. I also have my own horror stories. Very few women have the luxury of fearlessness in the day-to-day. I am working on giving my fears to God - but that doesn't mean I am safe. It just means that when I get hurt - He has promised to Heal me.

God doesn't promise our hearts, mind and bodies won't Break in following Him. In fact - He warns us that they will. But He does promise to make us anew every morning. Every Moment of Every Day God is putting together the pieces that have been Broken. He is making us into the Most Beautiful Masterpieces - the likes I cannot even Imagine. And although my heart is still broken, my mind is still shattered - and people are constantly stomping on the pieces - or I am throwing them across the room in Rage. He is God. He owns my very Soul and Guards it with His Life. Sacrificed His Son's Life to Save it.

He's basically Santy Clause on Heavenly Steroids. Despite how much work there is to do to in a limited amount of time, He is easily able to keep up. And He ends up being Ahead of Schedule too! I swear I would NOT have believed you last year if you described who I am today. And so - Life becomes a Cha-Cha: I'm dancing across the Ballroom - Two steps Forward and One step Back. Slowly, but surely - I will make it through this Life.

I don't ask God for much. And I Certainly do NOT ask Him for something as Naive as General Safety. My Number One Prayer Request is that He reminds me why this Life is Worth It. I ask Him to Prove to me why I should care when it's Rough. And He does. Every Time. He doesn't have to - but He does :') And that is Enough. You can go through Anything when He answers a Prayer like that. Thank You my Lord.

Thank You for Your Faithfulness to a Scared, Weak, Rebellious girl - who, like so many others - is often Tired. Tired of this Game called Life. You give me the Strength to not only Survive it - but to even begin to Enjoy it. I never asked for that. Never expected that to even be attainable. But you saw not only what I needed - but also what I wanted.

Now I cannot Imagine how anyone who has You as their Savior - could possibly want anyone but You to be in control of their life! How do we - How do I - so often forget that you have me covered?! Don't let me forget Lord. Even if it hurts - don't let me forget why I need You. Why I love You. Don't let me run away EVER Again. Don't let me even want to! I beg You Lord, let me Live for You and Only You, all the Days of this Life.

Amen

<3 Not the End of a Prayer - simply a Pause between Prayers <3

Let Go

I'm Intense. It's Well-known. I struggle with wanting to Live in this Fallen World. I often want God to bring me Home. This is not just me. I am not Unique. Nor am I normal. Throughout the world there are people who struggle as I do. Every person who has gotten deep with me has acknowledged they went through a point where they just didn't want to exist. Some of us have that point Every Day. We struggle with Pain - Every Day. We struggle in different ways. Not everyone is fearless of Death as I am, but that doesn't mean they Want to live. They just fear death a bit more than they fear life.

Now I ask you. What makes you so special? Why do you think you get to be different? Or maybe you think you deserve more cause you've earned it? You Fool. Nobody asks for Pain. They deal with it the best they know how and sadly it often just makes it worse. So what makes you think you deserve a Stress-Free Life? You don't think you deserve it? Good answer. Because you don't. You aren't even Hashtag "Blessed" with it. It does you Far More harm then you know.

So stop trying to avoid it. Stop trying to run away from situations that upset you. Stop avoiding the people that hurt you. You are to guard your heart against Evil - NOT Life. You do that and You. Are. A. FOOL. Wake up. Grow Up. Open you EYES and SEE. I'm tired of your spiritual immaturity. You don't deserve special treatment. Nobody does. Eventually it's time to acknowledge the fact that Life is Hard and it's going to get Harder.

So Own that Shit. Don't turn inward for answers. Turn to the One Who Knows ALL. Let Go and Let God. Lose Control. You'd be shocked with how freeing that can be. I know I am every day. We all want to control our lives or some aspect of it. We want power, not only over our destinies -- but over who we are and who we are to become. We want control over where we live, what we do, who we love. That's not ours to control. We don't get a say. Talk to God about what we want - Yes. I do Every Day. But acknowledge the fact that it's not up to you. It's not up to me. And when you finally Let Go of what You think you want - think you Deserve - you will get what you Truly Need. What God wants you to have.

It's hard to do. Like Hella Hard - I won't deny it. But Letting Go of what we want -- whether it be control, safety, security, contentment or even happiness -- You will Gain SO Much More. You will be Forever Blessed and in a way - you will have any and all of those idols. God wants us to be happy. He even understands our need for a Choice aka. Control. It's when those things become an idol that they wreck havoc on your life. Let it Go. Lose Control. Scream, Yell, Rant, Cry - Do something Stupid. Although - be prepared for the consequences. And then watch how God uses the idiot thing you did and makes it into something Beautiful. Watch and SEE that the Lord is Good and that He will Always Catch you when you fall.

I acknowledge that this is not necessarily the best way to break from an idol, but it is effective. And honestly, if you think you can wean yourself off of an idol like Happiness, Control or Contentment - you're fooling yourself Hardcore. Naw - those idols are Intense and they need Extremes to Break them. So here's some homework for you. If you find you struggle with NEEDING to be Happy, to not show that you are in Pain -- Let yourself Sob. For those who have mastered that - post a picture of your tears -- that shit aint easy to do. Believe you me. If you NEED to be Content or StressFree -- Put yourself in an Awkward situation. Go somewhere that make you uncomfortable. Take yourself outside your comfort zone while following God and see where He leads you. A piece of advice for that one - He won't show you where He's going until you're past ready to turn around and go back to your Comfort Zone. And if you NEED Control. Allow yourself to Lose It. I obviously wouldn't suggest in an illegal or harmful way. Take a baseball bat to a fence. Break a Dish. Be Passionate even if it means Cursing at God or kissing your crush. Go against your grain and Let Go.

Let Go and Let God. We say that but we don't apply it to our lives. I know I don't. I try and often Fail Miserably. But each time - I learn a little more. Each time I understand God a little better. It's seems a funny way to follow God - but Sanctification is just a fancy term for doing just this. I suggest you try it. Most people don't have a choice. Perhaps you do. So Choose Discomfort. Choose Stress. Choose God. Even if it means Dancing in the Rain like an Idiot while people watch from their apartments above. I wouldn't have done that before. I would have wanted to - but I never would have allowed myself to Let Go like that. Maybe a head bob, a little swagger in my step, but not a full out DanceFest in Public by myself. And I did. And it was SO Totally Worth It. Not every time you Let Go and seek Discomfort will there be consequences or the fears you anticipate. The majority of the time - Yes. But it's Worth It Overall. I Promise. He Promised. So don't trust my word. Trust His WORD.

And with all my Imperfect Love - I bid you adieu for today. Imma go take myself on an uncomfortable run where I will probably have a panic attack at least once...but I'll gain SO Much More <3

Grace: Lost in Translation

Luke 16:10 New International Version (NIV)

10 “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.

Luke 16:10 New Living Translation (NLT)

10 “If you are faithful in little things, you will be faithful in large ones. But if you are dishonest in little things, you won’t be honest with greater responsibilities.

*Bible Gateway*

These are two incredibly different translations and while translations in general are rarely perfect, and the interpretation is even more difficult, even for the pros who go to seminary for 4+ years! And then there's the application of the congregation and - oh dear! We have already lost the essence of the Truth behind some very powerful verses.

And although I know very little about the pros and cons of various translations, I will tell you that I heard an an interpretation of Luke 16:10 (NLT) by a speaker that I believe has twisted the truth behind the verse in a very unhealthy albeit a very common and even popular(!) way. He used this passage in support for a point he was making. A point that disturbed me greatly. He said that if you follow God faithfully, God will present you with great opportunities. I continued to listen and I kept hearing this man push how great things will happen when you are faithful to God.

I'm not going to hold my punch with this -

This Is WRONG.

"Wrong!" 0:59

Ephesians 2:8-10New International Version (NIV)

8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast.

GRACE

I talk about that a lot. In my blogs, my posts, my daily conversations...cause it's a BIG DEAL. The Most Powerful word I know and understood by very few.

What Grace means, in practical terms, is that Life's NOT Fair...

...and how friggin Amazing that is!

If life were fair, we would all be going to hell. Honestly, if life were fair - we'd be there already. Not in some mythological pit with flames creeping up the sides. No. Hell is far worse and place to be greatly feared. I don't know if you've ever had the guts to imagine it, but I can't. I can barely handle the pain in this world - the idea of a place where you are in perpetual agony is a subject I'd rather not go near with a 10-foot pole. And I won't. Not now. Suffice to say it's a fucking awful place and we ALL deserve to be thrown in and never let out. If you don't know that, you're lying to yourself.

And that's Exactly why Grace is Such a powerful word to me. Because we DESERVE to go the HELL. A place that even satan himself is terrified of. He's not some "lord of the underworld" - he will be trapped in there along with the rest of us sinners. And yet, We Are NOT. Because of Grace. Because of Grace, we are literally saved by the Greatest Superhero of ALL Time(and beyond). By Grace you are saved. Through FAITH - and this is not from yourselves.

So that's what gets my knickers in a twist about this speaker, among others. You cannot earn Grace. You cannot Earn ANYthing. What? You think Grace just applies to "Judgement Day"? Oh bother. We've already been judged y'all - and forgiven. God is outside of time and we're just playing catchup. Everything we do now. Everything we say. Every thought and deed...these don't condemn us OR earn us any kind of exemption or opportunity. It's a done deal. The tricky part comes in seeing and believing that.

Consciously, we know Bible Verses. We can spout them off by rote. We can apply them in a theological conversations with our college buddies. Subconsciously, we often don't understand the first thing about them. And when it comes to Grace, we know very little, or nothing at all. I am only beginning to understand the basics of such an Extraordinary word. And the understanding I have gleaned thus far, is that God loves us...SO much that He sent His only Son to die for us. Hold on. Lemme continue. I am also of the opinion that Jesus went to hell and suffered every atrocity, every pain, every hurt and humiliation that we have and also the torture we would have earned, in order to take our sin from us.

Understanding this, that Jesus, being from God and Of God, took our place in the most brutal culmination of the "Saw" movies you could ever imagine. If you understand that kind of Ultimate Love. That someone was actually born just to save you from a justified hell so that you can live an UnFair Life, than it will be easier to understand that He is always there, looking out for you. Another perk of Grace.

I do believe that the closer to God the more opportunities there are for you. I do NOT agree we earned them in any way. In fact, I believe that God Loves us SO much that He is friggin Constantly presenting us with opportunities of all kinds. We just don't see it. We want SO badly to do what WE want to do. Our job, our significant other, our children, our home, our friends, our LIFE - we have an idea of what it should be and we strive for that and expect God to tag along and help us out. If you deny that, you're lying to yourself again.

*Disclaimer: I personally love skim milk*

We want to do things OUR way, not God's way. And as God is crazy complicated, we don't often see that His way is the Best way and often reject it when He presents it to us. You'd be surprised at how often following God in a small way, that doesn't make sense and often goes against what we want to do, can lead to incredibly Great opportunities. I know it's constantly surprising me!

I believe it tends to boil down to seeing the Big Picture. Remembering that God LOVES me and only has my best interests at heart. You may say you know that, but do you? Do you trust God SO much that you would trust Him with the life of your child? There's a man in the Bible who did - you know the story, His name was Abraham. And honestly, from what I know, I believe Abraham's testing exemplifies the idea of idolization very well. We think we know best and we often idolize many good things God has given us, especially the ones we love most. I've wondered if Abraham idolized His son and this was the way God got through to Him. And, in the end, Abraham followed the Greatest Commandment, but because of God's Grace - Isaac lived.

And maybe that's a wrong interpretation, but I think the idea is pretty sound. We are to love God above ALL else. That doesn't just mean our material possessions and our jobs. We are to love him more than our children, more than our spouses, more than All our relationships. We are also to love Him more than our comfort. I struggle with that. I often idolize happiness and normalcy. I idolize the idea of a life without chronic pain. We are to love Him more than our health, memories and sanity. You will lose one of those at some point in your life, if not all three...and I'll tell you now, it's a bitch to lose something you idolize.

Cause we rarely see the big picture. I mean, it's easier when you know you idolize it, but not when you don't. And there are SO many things we sin against God by placing in front of Him and when we lose it, our first thoughts are not thankful ones typically. When you lose your job or your home, are your first thoughts of the grateful variety? We often don't see the good in those situations.

I lost a boyfriend I loved, to death, and I cursed God out. I knew that I never would have given him up for anyone or anything, but it's taken me a lot longer to understand that this was not THE reason he died. God did not take him away because I loved him too much, but there is good that has come out of that situation. One of those things being that God and I started talking again. Starting with me cursing Him out. That actually opened the gates of communication between Him and I. We talk and talk and talk - and now He won't Shut Up! I'm starting to be ok with that now too :) .

He's helped me start seeing the big pic I'm always going on and on about. And as I love crazy easy - too easily in some people's opinions; seeing the Big Picture is what can get me through the pain of imperfect human love. I tend to give pieces of my heart away willy-nilly and feel every tear as people, often unknowingly, rip it to shreds. But just because it hurts, I won't stop. The pain blows, but I'm learning how to handle it and it's worth it. The only thing I will NEVER do again, is give my soul away to an imperfect man. I did once. And while a heartbreak can always be mended, when your very soul shatters...

There is only one Man equipped to handle that kind of commitment and I constantly thank Him for showing me that I can trust him with my heart and soul. That He will NEVER leave me or forsake me. And I know that when I am sitting outside in the rain with my back pressed against the brick, uncrying and staring blindly at nothing, my hands clenching and releasing with the effort to contain the pain of a broken heart, He is there. Sometimes, I will break down and scream. I scream and I scream and no one calls the cops because it's completely without sound. I take a big breath, open my mouth and roar silently. And as every muscle tightens and tenses, seizes and shakes, as my mind seems to be shattering from the mental screaming of my tortured soul, He is there.

He is not my torturer, but my Savior. And I will admit I often forget that. When you are being tortured you often are in to much pain to be able to tell up from down, much less pinpoint the face of the person currently ripping your fingernails out with a pair of pliers. But again. Grace. God has taken the time to help me trust Him, to see His very face as well as that of my torturers. And it is my friends, family, co-workers, boyfriends - it is the people I love the most that I see in my torture chamber. They are the ones carving their signatures into my flesh as I watch in mute horror.

But I also see my own face among the crowd, eagerly goading them on. I am my greatest torturer. It is my hands that that leave the bloodiest wounds and the ugliest scars. I taunt myself. I call myself the vilest insults and tell myself the evilest lies. I hate myself with such a passion that I beat myself bloody on a daily basis. But I never saw this. I never saw the faces of the people mutilating my mind. I only knew that God was there, but I never knew that it was his hands that were shielding me from the worst of it. That He is my protector and not part of the mob. That He LOVES me and it is His face that I keep my eyes glued to as my ribs are being broken one by one. His Pure Love that keeps me sane through the insanity.

I often pray for God to take me Home, away from this world where I can be free from this torture. But I also add, if You won't - if I need to be here, in a world where I end up on the floor EVERY day because the pain is too great for me to stand. A world where I regularly curl up in the shower and wish the water would wash away the blood from wounds inflicted inside my very mind. A world where I can't scream out loud and I rarely cry actual tears, because those have been condemned by our society and it is ingrained in me to suppress them, no matter the cost. A world where I can't share this without intense ridicule or even worse, an oppressive silence.

This pain is NOT fair. I didn't receive it as punishment for my "bad history". I did not earn it and I certainly DON'T deserve it. But I don't deserve anything - good or bad. I don't deserve my home or my friends. I don't deserve my high school diploma or the money in my wallet. Nothing is deserved or life would be hell - literally. Grace. Grace is what makes the world go round. Grace is why I am alive. Grace is why I'm LIVING. And Grace is why I consider Suffering a Blessing, even as I pass out from the pain yet again.

We need to accept Grace and the pain that comes with living in a broken world with broken people. If you follow God in Everything, things will work themselves out. Me and God still fight over doing things my way or His, but I typically let Him win now, because His way keeps proving to be better. Yeah yeah - that's a duh. But do you really believe that, deep down in your soul? Think about it. Do you not only ask Him for advice on whether to take that job overseas but also what shoes to wear in the morning? Yeah, you'd be surprised about how often I have that convo with Him and also the stories behind why.

Haha :D

Peace out Home Dawgs! This is my revision after I've finally had a whole friggin 8 hours of sleep which means I've been pain free for 10! That's a record this year and I'm starting to understand it's not wrong to enjoy it while it lasts.