Two Extremes

versefirst

It feels good to do good doesn’t it? But what about the times when doing the right thing hurts us? You treat someone with kindness and they’re rude in return. You speak up for a mistreated person or group and end up losing your reputation. 

Throughout history people have endured violence, arrest, imprisonment and worse for standing up for what’s right. Figures like Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr and Mother Teresa stand out as icons of doing good, no matter the cost. 

This beatitude encourages us to keep on doing good, whatever the cost. And to believe that doing the right thing is more important than any opposition we may face.

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We are called to Follow God and to treat others as He would. Even if we are mistreated in return, we are to be kind. Even if we lose our reputation in a world where this easily happens when Standing up for what is Right. And this includes your friends, your family. This includes our CHRISTIAN friends and family. The Church may be built on the Cornerstone, but is comprised of sinners until the day we are Freed from sin. They will Mess up -- BigTime. Because we ALL do. Even church can become an idol, particularly if you insist on seeing the people within as those who can do no wrong. We may be set apart by God, but we are NO Better than ANYONE. If you are unwilling to grasp that - God will be having a Serious sit-down with you in the future. Do what is Right and Good. Ask #WhatWouldJesusDo? Follow God, when in the World AND sitting in the pew at church. No matter the Cost. God warns us the Path of Righteousness is NOT easy. It's Hella Hard. If you're Life is all Fun and Games, you may want to Question if you have your Priorities in Order.

And if you're on the Opposite End of this Spectrum. If you Struggle to let yourself Relax, just for a Moment, because There is SO Much to DO. I mean, cause...How can I Relax when I still need to call them, write that email, finish this paperwork, take the car there, the dog/cat/child needs this, my Entire house is a Disaster, Oh I feel a Headache building, I should probably eat something today, but I can do that after that appointment. Maybe - I need to stop and pick that thing up first, oh my gosh I forget his/her Birthday is next week. I need to get that too. If the car makes it. It sounded iffy this morning. I guess I should get it looked at. I can probably squeeze that in before the party tonight. Shoot - I have to get that ingredient for the dish I promised I'd make. I should have just offered to just bring the soda. No, it's cool. If I just rearrange those two, I can squeeze in some baking. Oh, but I forgot I have to drop that off! Today was the last day I can! Well - the party isn't formal. I can cut out time if I just do basic makeup, nix the shower in favor of dry shampoo. Oh wait - we were talking about time to Relax? Um. Yeah - No. I don't think that's gonna work. My Life already IS Hella Hard. I don't need to make it harder by trying to squeeze in Relaxation. It's gonna be Hard Enough finding time to have a Breakdown Later.

Yeah - SweetHeart. Breathe. If you're the type who Struggles more with allowing yourself a Break. I still Recommend a sit-down with God. But - ask Him for Help. People who tend towards this Extreme often have a Hard Time thinking they don't have to DO it ALL. That Life and Death of their hominee, children, friends, the World - rests on their shoulders. Not necessarily out of Pride either. A lack of Trust is NOT always rooted in Pride. But be aware that when you don't or can't allow yourself room to Breathe - you're not Giving Everything to God. When you give Him charge of your schedule - I know from Experience He's really Great about penciling in Times of Rest. But that will mean giving up Control. And from a Gal who has Worshiped Control on the Alter of Fear - and still Has a Friggin Hella Hard Time giving it up - I'll tell you that it won't be Easy. If I could get Easy Buttons for Everyone for Christmas I Totally would.

Life is not meant to be Easy. But it also isn't meant to Drive you to Insanity. There is an Inbetween to these Extremes. And No Matter which way you lean, for nobody walks the Lines of Life with Perfect Balance except our One and Only Savior -- and whether you lean one way or the other, or fluctuate in your attempt to Follow God, to act as Jesus and Find that Perfect Balance on Life's tight rope. In the End -- it's not a TightRope after all. It's just another Battle in a War that is Already WON. So while we do have to keep Fighting for God. While we DO have to Ask "What Would Jesus Do?" and look to Him with how to Find Balance. While Becoming a Christian does NOT mean God will Snap His Fingers and POOF - all your sin and Heartache is now Gone. We have more than HOPE. We have Assurance. We have God Almighty's Promise that there is an End to this Madness and then we can Go HOME.

When you get Overwhelmed with the Day to Day -- Remember the BigPicture. Our Story is not over yet, but the Ending is Already Written. And Spoiler Alert: It's a Happy Ending :)

It's Science

So I've been thinking. Yes yes - Dangerous. But also Inevitable. I mean - I'm always thinking. 24/7 - remember? But this thinking, it's been a concept in my mind - a concept without words. That happens daily, if not hourly.I have so many thoughts and several times a day one of the through processes that has been ruminating for months, or years - comes to fruition. Today it's an idea on women.

Often I hear women chastised for speaking poorly of their husbands. They are scolded for calling their husbands stupid - for jokes about how men are Dumb and Oblivious. It bothered me - these chastisements, but I didn't know why. I mean - I agree it's wrong to say unkind things in General, much less about your own husband. But I realize why it's been constantly irking me. Why my mind has been so unsettled with every sermon or talk given where women are convicted for thinking cruelly of their hubbys.

Maybe you will agree - maybe you won't, but I feel quite strongly about this. If you've read my previous posts on men and women you will have a basis for this ramble - if not I encourage you to find them, I don't particularly feel like it at this moment, my mind is too full of this. But - for those who do follow me - you know I am passionate on the idea of feminism - and how it has been done poorly. No - it was done Completely WRONG.

We ARE Equal to men and we are NOT treated as an equal. I'm Totally NOT Ok with that. We are also only treated as an equal if we act LIKE a man! We have sought equality by trying to gain the Strengths of a MAN instead of fighting to show that a Woman's Strengths are SO Worth of Equality!! And they ARE. Our Emotions, our shitload of thinking, our introspection and understanding. Our CARING. These are NOT Worthless!!! And Shame on the FOOL who thinks so.

But we are taught that they are. We are taught that our Strengths are Worth Little. That we Care TOO Much. That we are Dramatic and Sensitive and that is a BAD thing that we should Apologize for!! You Fool. Society teaches us that to earn respect you must be unemotional, practical, oh and my favorite - LOGICAL. As if those are the only things worthy of listening to. You Fool. If you aren't mature enough yet to understand that - don't bother reading more. And I'm honestly a bit too angry to address you kindly.

So what does this have to do with my second paragraph? Oh - it surely does. And maybe you can follow my mind. I am not only a woman - but crazy broken. The white rabbit goes fast down the paths of my inner Wonderland. Women are taught that their Strengths are not Worthy. That what makes them Amazing is Worthless. This often leads to them thinking they, themselves are Worthless. As I did. But then, there are times where this pattern is broken. Something happens in a woman's life where she realizes this is wrong.

Maybe she has a white rabbit like mine or maybe someone impacted her life in an Amazing way. I don't know. But there is a point in many women's lives, or several - where they start to understand that their strengths are to be Valued. To be Praised. That their God-given Talents that society - in the World and within even The Church - have trampled upon. Strengths they have mocked and scorned - are actually to be Praised. They figure it out. And these women(me included) then overcompensate.

I talk about lines in life constantly. We walk a tight-rope between extremes. And we are not acrobats...so we fall off...Cooooonstantly. For Example - there is a line between being to legalistic and stick-up-your-ass and being too lenient and forgiving. You have to find the inbetween. And very rarely when you are leaning really far too one direction - can you find your balance again. Like a tightrope - you teeter, arms pinwheeling - trying to regain your balance, but often unable to do so. And in order to regain your balance when falling - Physics will tell you, in words far more eloquent - that you have to shift your weight just enough the opposite way to get back to where you need to be.

Now - if you've ever walked on the side plank of a railing-less bridge above a creek in the middle winter, lean too far over and try to right yourself - you'll know this is not easy whatsoever. Yes - I fell off. Well - I realized I couldn't right myself after pinwheeling for a hott-second and have always been a difficult, stubborn gal who needed to be in control and hated ANYone deciding things for her - Even Gravity. So I jumped in of course. Anyways - it's not easy to right yourself when your balancing.

If I haven't drilled it in. Whether it has to do with physical balance or balance of ideas, a Balance in Life - when we lean too far in one direction, and realize we are about to fall - we tend to overcompensate too much - trying to regain our balance. Science. And women do this. We are belittled for our strengths and in trying to regain our balance, we overcompensate by putting down men for theirs and belittling the weaknesses they do have.

I do not believe this is right. I just wanted to talk about the whole picture. People struggle to rewire their thoughts to follow God correctly. It's good to talk about this, it's not good to scold someone on something without seeing the why. Don't just tell someone their wrong without a solution. And NO Sweetheart - the solution is not "Well just don't do it". Um. Seriously? Who the fuck says that? I know people do. People do it to me. If you do - Stop. Stop Immediately. Do you see the irony? Yes - I was making a point.

Be empathetic - find out the root causes. Don't call someone out without all the facts. Realize that they likely don't have all the facts. Don't be the shallow type of missionary who goes overseas for a moment to help people, leaving nothing behind to guide them after they return to their first-world country. If you want to help - HELP. But that doesn't mean pointing out a problem without any help finding a solution. I would say that's quite the opposite of Helping someone.

Anyways - Passion spent. I'm done. I'll leave you with one more thought...

A Ramble on President Trump and the Generation Gap...Or is it?

My dad shared this article on the current political topic going around. I don't like politics. I like election years even less. I did vote. I did not vote for Trump. My reasons are larger than two horrible choices, and I won't go into them now. This writer has attempted to do something that many will turn their noses up at. Don't do that.

He attempted to bridge the generation gap. He attempted to explain why SO Many are FOR Trump. Including my beloved grandfather. I don't agree, but I have this thing for Empathy. This weird and Incredibly Rare thing to try and put myself in another person's shoes. It's not easy. You have to put all of your own beliefs asides while you do so. You have to transport yourself to see things from their perspective, leaving your own Completely. It's uncomfortable and Hard.

After an empathy exercise - you Of Course believe what you believe and see through your own lens of experiences again. But if you succeed in empathizing - you will be able to understand better why others are the way they are and believe how they believe. You won't be able to be unkind or unloving to someone when you've tried to imagine walking a mile in their shoes. And this is typically why people refuse to try. They want to hold onto their "Righteous Anger". They don't want to be kind or loving to someone as "Horrible" as Trump.

Seriously? Then stop reading. Because you are just as bad as him with his lewd and crude comments. I Most Definitely am. All of us are Shitty Excuses for God's orinigal work. We EACH have sin. So shut your pie hole with any "I'm better than him" Shit. If you don't understand that you're just as bad - you need to explore some major pride issues. Golly day - Pride really does baffle me. Like - I understand how people who don't believe in Christ could have it. But the fact that Christians - who have the Friggin Word of God as their guide could possible believe they are better than another for reasons SO Silly. Seriously?

The ONLY Reason your Worth Diddly SHIT is because Christ Chose YOU. Not the other way around. Golly Day. Without the Trinity coming after us for reasons I cannot for the LIFE of me Fathom - we would ALL be going to Hell. You're not better than Trump. You're not better than Hillary. You're not better than the girl showing off serious cleavage or the guy with a sleeve who chain-smokes. You're not better than those who curse. You're not better than those who watch porn - or Even Star in it! The McDonald's Employyee is your sinful Equal, even with your degree and you fancy knowledge from your privleged spot at a university.

If you still don't grasp that - you're unwilling to let God open your eyes to what sin is Blinding you too.

And I certainly cannot make you see what you are unwilling to see.

But if you want God to take your blinders off.

If you want to Understand.

I would suggest this Empathy thing I go on and on about.

Empathy is a Big Deal. One I've often hark on because it will expand your sight and understanding to encompass more than your eyes could Ever See on their own. If you don't want to - that's between you and God. But - reading this article - it was hard at times for me. My Grandparents' generation had Many Flaws that I do NOT want to encourage. It also had Many Strengths - Strengths that we are losing or have already lost in Today's World.

But the Worst Part, to my mind - is the #GenerationGap. I have many friends who are several generations older than I. They are Wonderful People - once you close that Gap. And you can then see that they are often, very lonely. Many times they hide this very clichely, with anger and griping - but if you try this thing called #Empathy - it's not hard to see why.

Try reading up on the Depression Era. World War II. Don't go text book style. Find stories that are REAL. Photos that portray the stark brutality of that era. Seeing where people come from can easily be the beginning to understanding why people are the way they are.

And then maybe we can be less bratty about our new president.

I have always believed in Respecting the Presidential Position, regardless of whether I voted for them or not. I mean - it's that, move or start a revolution. But griping and fuming solves nothing except upsetting yourself. I know this from experience. If you vote for a civil uprising - I'll consider your position, but for now - I'm going to keep trying to see why so many are excited about Trump's Election to Presidency. Even just this article has put some of the puzzle pieces I already had together. Maybe it will help you as well...

What So Many Don't Get about the U.S. Working Middle Class

And if you're like me where Empathy has become a Passion that Enthralls you and you're constantly looking to why people are they way they are...you may have wondered why Dad and Grandpa are SO Big on Frugality. In their eyes(and mine now as well ;) t's silly to buy something when you can makeshift something from scraps around the house - or just borrow it from a neighbor. Here's a Blog/Podcast that explains this in a Fun Way through Some Depression Era Budgeting Tips:

http://melissaknorris.com/podcast-building-great-depression-era-pantry/

"During the Great Depression people lived on extremely frugal budgets. My father was raised during the Great Depression and it shaped the way he brought us up and lives today. Learning from those who have lived through hard times and their lessons is important. I share his tips and how to create a Great Depression era pantry with frugal tips and recipes."

http://melissaknorris.com/podcast-44-depression-era-tips-stretch-food-budget/

"When my mom was growing up sometimes they didn’t have groceries or food in the cupboard. I don’t mean not a lot, or just a little bit of food, but sometimes, nothing at all. Though my mother never remembers going hungry. My Grandmother did can Tarheel green beans, but they didn’t have a large garden beyond that living in town and the beans were sometimes eaten before the next harvest. Both sides of my family came from North Carolina and relied on the heirloom green beans we’ve saved and continue to grow and pass down to this day."

http://melissaknorris.com/podcast-40-8-depression-era-tips-savemoneynow/

"During the Great Depression people learned to make do with very little. We are so spoiled today in our modern society. I’m grateful we don’t know those times, but we take so much for granted. I love having a more frugal mindset because it makes us appreciate what we have more.

It seems so many of us (myself included sometimes) have an air of ungratefulness, that we’re owed things. Instead of grumbling about things we don’t like, if we look for something to be thankful, we’re much better off. I’ve been reading One Thousand Gifts *affiliate link by Ann Voskamp, and I’m implementing finding things every day to be thankful

When you’re looking for things to be thankful for, it changes your emotion and mindset to that of grateful instead of grumpy and frustrated. Look for ways to thank God every day for little blessings in little moments. I think that is something those who went through the Great Depression learned."

~*~ <3 ~*~

In the end, this Post is NOT about Trump. It's not even about a Generational Gap. It's about God. It's about finding Him and the GoOD in EVERY Situation.

This is but a Moment in Time. These next four or even eight years are Temporal.

God is Eternal.

Do not put your stakes in what is here and now. On what is constantly changing. You must cling to He Who NEVER Changes. A Tale Older than Time. A Rock on which to stand during an Emotional Tempest. SomeONE Who will NEVER Fail you. Who will LOVE you UNCONDITIONALLY.

Do NOT put your Trust and Hope in an individual of this world. NO matter who that is - you are only setting yourself up for Failure. You cannot put your Hope in any man. Not your president, but neither your pastor, not your husband, not your dad or brother. They will all fail you. It's a by-product of sin. It Sucks. But it's apart of this Life.

One day we will be free from sin. This World will be free as well. I cannot convey how much I'm looking forward to the day I don't fuck up anymore. They day I don't screw people over by accident or on purpose. They day the Pain is Completely Eradicated from my soul. I do Pray that the End comes Swiftly. For the End is Really the Beginning. And I'm SO Friggin EXCITED!

But until then - I will follow God and ask for His Vision wherever I go. I want to see the World as He sees it. For it may be full of sin - but HE still Created it. You can find His Signature in EVERYthing.

No matter where you look - God is already there. He creates, He molds, He fixes what we break, He transforms what sin twists. He can and will make ALL things Beautiful. It is in this I find my reason for living. To see God Transform me, others and the World into the Most Beautiful Works of Art you could EVER Behold.

Can you just Imagine?!

WoW

Grace: Lost in Translation

Luke 16:10 New International Version (NIV)

10 “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.

Luke 16:10 New Living Translation (NLT)

10 “If you are faithful in little things, you will be faithful in large ones. But if you are dishonest in little things, you won’t be honest with greater responsibilities.

*Bible Gateway*

These are two incredibly different translations and while translations in general are rarely perfect, and the interpretation is even more difficult, even for the pros who go to seminary for 4+ years! And then there's the application of the congregation and - oh dear! We have already lost the essence of the Truth behind some very powerful verses.

And although I know very little about the pros and cons of various translations, I will tell you that I heard an an interpretation of Luke 16:10 (NLT) by a speaker that I believe has twisted the truth behind the verse in a very unhealthy albeit a very common and even popular(!) way. He used this passage in support for a point he was making. A point that disturbed me greatly. He said that if you follow God faithfully, God will present you with great opportunities. I continued to listen and I kept hearing this man push how great things will happen when you are faithful to God.

I'm not going to hold my punch with this -

This Is WRONG.

"Wrong!" 0:59

Ephesians 2:8-10New International Version (NIV)

8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast.

GRACE

I talk about that a lot. In my blogs, my posts, my daily conversations...cause it's a BIG DEAL. The Most Powerful word I know and understood by very few.

What Grace means, in practical terms, is that Life's NOT Fair...

...and how friggin Amazing that is!

If life were fair, we would all be going to hell. Honestly, if life were fair - we'd be there already. Not in some mythological pit with flames creeping up the sides. No. Hell is far worse and place to be greatly feared. I don't know if you've ever had the guts to imagine it, but I can't. I can barely handle the pain in this world - the idea of a place where you are in perpetual agony is a subject I'd rather not go near with a 10-foot pole. And I won't. Not now. Suffice to say it's a fucking awful place and we ALL deserve to be thrown in and never let out. If you don't know that, you're lying to yourself.

And that's Exactly why Grace is Such a powerful word to me. Because we DESERVE to go the HELL. A place that even satan himself is terrified of. He's not some "lord of the underworld" - he will be trapped in there along with the rest of us sinners. And yet, We Are NOT. Because of Grace. Because of Grace, we are literally saved by the Greatest Superhero of ALL Time(and beyond). By Grace you are saved. Through FAITH - and this is not from yourselves.

So that's what gets my knickers in a twist about this speaker, among others. You cannot earn Grace. You cannot Earn ANYthing. What? You think Grace just applies to "Judgement Day"? Oh bother. We've already been judged y'all - and forgiven. God is outside of time and we're just playing catchup. Everything we do now. Everything we say. Every thought and deed...these don't condemn us OR earn us any kind of exemption or opportunity. It's a done deal. The tricky part comes in seeing and believing that.

Consciously, we know Bible Verses. We can spout them off by rote. We can apply them in a theological conversations with our college buddies. Subconsciously, we often don't understand the first thing about them. And when it comes to Grace, we know very little, or nothing at all. I am only beginning to understand the basics of such an Extraordinary word. And the understanding I have gleaned thus far, is that God loves us...SO much that He sent His only Son to die for us. Hold on. Lemme continue. I am also of the opinion that Jesus went to hell and suffered every atrocity, every pain, every hurt and humiliation that we have and also the torture we would have earned, in order to take our sin from us.

Understanding this, that Jesus, being from God and Of God, took our place in the most brutal culmination of the "Saw" movies you could ever imagine. If you understand that kind of Ultimate Love. That someone was actually born just to save you from a justified hell so that you can live an UnFair Life, than it will be easier to understand that He is always there, looking out for you. Another perk of Grace.

I do believe that the closer to God the more opportunities there are for you. I do NOT agree we earned them in any way. In fact, I believe that God Loves us SO much that He is friggin Constantly presenting us with opportunities of all kinds. We just don't see it. We want SO badly to do what WE want to do. Our job, our significant other, our children, our home, our friends, our LIFE - we have an idea of what it should be and we strive for that and expect God to tag along and help us out. If you deny that, you're lying to yourself again.

*Disclaimer: I personally love skim milk*

We want to do things OUR way, not God's way. And as God is crazy complicated, we don't often see that His way is the Best way and often reject it when He presents it to us. You'd be surprised at how often following God in a small way, that doesn't make sense and often goes against what we want to do, can lead to incredibly Great opportunities. I know it's constantly surprising me!

I believe it tends to boil down to seeing the Big Picture. Remembering that God LOVES me and only has my best interests at heart. You may say you know that, but do you? Do you trust God SO much that you would trust Him with the life of your child? There's a man in the Bible who did - you know the story, His name was Abraham. And honestly, from what I know, I believe Abraham's testing exemplifies the idea of idolization very well. We think we know best and we often idolize many good things God has given us, especially the ones we love most. I've wondered if Abraham idolized His son and this was the way God got through to Him. And, in the end, Abraham followed the Greatest Commandment, but because of God's Grace - Isaac lived.

And maybe that's a wrong interpretation, but I think the idea is pretty sound. We are to love God above ALL else. That doesn't just mean our material possessions and our jobs. We are to love him more than our children, more than our spouses, more than All our relationships. We are also to love Him more than our comfort. I struggle with that. I often idolize happiness and normalcy. I idolize the idea of a life without chronic pain. We are to love Him more than our health, memories and sanity. You will lose one of those at some point in your life, if not all three...and I'll tell you now, it's a bitch to lose something you idolize.

Cause we rarely see the big picture. I mean, it's easier when you know you idolize it, but not when you don't. And there are SO many things we sin against God by placing in front of Him and when we lose it, our first thoughts are not thankful ones typically. When you lose your job or your home, are your first thoughts of the grateful variety? We often don't see the good in those situations.

I lost a boyfriend I loved, to death, and I cursed God out. I knew that I never would have given him up for anyone or anything, but it's taken me a lot longer to understand that this was not THE reason he died. God did not take him away because I loved him too much, but there is good that has come out of that situation. One of those things being that God and I started talking again. Starting with me cursing Him out. That actually opened the gates of communication between Him and I. We talk and talk and talk - and now He won't Shut Up! I'm starting to be ok with that now too :) .

He's helped me start seeing the big pic I'm always going on and on about. And as I love crazy easy - too easily in some people's opinions; seeing the Big Picture is what can get me through the pain of imperfect human love. I tend to give pieces of my heart away willy-nilly and feel every tear as people, often unknowingly, rip it to shreds. But just because it hurts, I won't stop. The pain blows, but I'm learning how to handle it and it's worth it. The only thing I will NEVER do again, is give my soul away to an imperfect man. I did once. And while a heartbreak can always be mended, when your very soul shatters...

There is only one Man equipped to handle that kind of commitment and I constantly thank Him for showing me that I can trust him with my heart and soul. That He will NEVER leave me or forsake me. And I know that when I am sitting outside in the rain with my back pressed against the brick, uncrying and staring blindly at nothing, my hands clenching and releasing with the effort to contain the pain of a broken heart, He is there. Sometimes, I will break down and scream. I scream and I scream and no one calls the cops because it's completely without sound. I take a big breath, open my mouth and roar silently. And as every muscle tightens and tenses, seizes and shakes, as my mind seems to be shattering from the mental screaming of my tortured soul, He is there.

He is not my torturer, but my Savior. And I will admit I often forget that. When you are being tortured you often are in to much pain to be able to tell up from down, much less pinpoint the face of the person currently ripping your fingernails out with a pair of pliers. But again. Grace. God has taken the time to help me trust Him, to see His very face as well as that of my torturers. And it is my friends, family, co-workers, boyfriends - it is the people I love the most that I see in my torture chamber. They are the ones carving their signatures into my flesh as I watch in mute horror.

But I also see my own face among the crowd, eagerly goading them on. I am my greatest torturer. It is my hands that that leave the bloodiest wounds and the ugliest scars. I taunt myself. I call myself the vilest insults and tell myself the evilest lies. I hate myself with such a passion that I beat myself bloody on a daily basis. But I never saw this. I never saw the faces of the people mutilating my mind. I only knew that God was there, but I never knew that it was his hands that were shielding me from the worst of it. That He is my protector and not part of the mob. That He LOVES me and it is His face that I keep my eyes glued to as my ribs are being broken one by one. His Pure Love that keeps me sane through the insanity.

I often pray for God to take me Home, away from this world where I can be free from this torture. But I also add, if You won't - if I need to be here, in a world where I end up on the floor EVERY day because the pain is too great for me to stand. A world where I regularly curl up in the shower and wish the water would wash away the blood from wounds inflicted inside my very mind. A world where I can't scream out loud and I rarely cry actual tears, because those have been condemned by our society and it is ingrained in me to suppress them, no matter the cost. A world where I can't share this without intense ridicule or even worse, an oppressive silence.

This pain is NOT fair. I didn't receive it as punishment for my "bad history". I did not earn it and I certainly DON'T deserve it. But I don't deserve anything - good or bad. I don't deserve my home or my friends. I don't deserve my high school diploma or the money in my wallet. Nothing is deserved or life would be hell - literally. Grace. Grace is what makes the world go round. Grace is why I am alive. Grace is why I'm LIVING. And Grace is why I consider Suffering a Blessing, even as I pass out from the pain yet again.

We need to accept Grace and the pain that comes with living in a broken world with broken people. If you follow God in Everything, things will work themselves out. Me and God still fight over doing things my way or His, but I typically let Him win now, because His way keeps proving to be better. Yeah yeah - that's a duh. But do you really believe that, deep down in your soul? Think about it. Do you not only ask Him for advice on whether to take that job overseas but also what shoes to wear in the morning? Yeah, you'd be surprised about how often I have that convo with Him and also the stories behind why.

Haha :D

Peace out Home Dawgs! This is my revision after I've finally had a whole friggin 8 hours of sleep which means I've been pain free for 10! That's a record this year and I'm starting to understand it's not wrong to enjoy it while it lasts.