I Do Know - I Just Forget Sometimes :)

Who am I?

I don't know.

It's been bothering me.

I've been a Bible-Totin, naive, oblivious, nose-stuck-in-a-book teenage girl. I've been I don't care what I look like, have poop all over me, Wildlife Canadian Intern. I've been a two-faced Christian, lying to my parents like a pro while I'm out boozing and trying to forget Life. I've been a depressed woman just trying to survive and eventually giving up. I've been a woman who found hope in a man - I was a good girlfriend, but he could not be my Savior. I was then a woman who lost hope and the life of normalcy I had been able to rebuild. I was a woman who started over looking for another way and another persona that might keep me alive. I've done this over and over and over and over and over and over again. I've been an angry rocker chick in my leather jacket, covered in piercings on the back of a motorcycle. I've been a high-classed, sophisticated socialite, sitting around a table talking politics with a very price Bordeaux on hand. I've been a hooker without the income. I've been a clubber without the drugs and alcohol. I've done the country girl, four-wheeling, tree-climbing, creek-wading bit. I've done the 8(or was it 11?)month rehab, crazy girl routine. I've done the Family is Everything. I've done the happiness is all that matters. I've done Depressed. I've done the Hatred is what keeps me alive. I've done normal and I've done crazy. I've even done both simultaneously - although it doesn't work for very long.

So here's the problem. I've spent my whole life looking for what, I didn't know - trying on persona after persona in my Frantic Search. I've been up and down. I've been all around and I never found it. Because while I was looking for that elusive Meaning to Life - I was also running away from it. I was running away from God while searching for Him. I was like some action thriller with every government agency in the world out to get me. Constantly changing who I am to stay alive and find the answer I seek. And then He got all sneaky sneaky on me and caught me. He caught me by earning my Trust unknowingly. Now I'm no longer running. I'm safe, with Him. And I'm flummoxed.

Who am I supposed to be now?

I've been so many different people. I've learned how to act in so many different ways. I like to curse, but I also like to be respectful. I like to be normal, but I'm learning to like my crazy. I like dancing dirty and I like dancing silly. I like being loud and I like being quiet. I like SO Many different kinds of music. My fashion is an Absolute Mess. I like dressing up and dressing lounge-style. Sometimes I like looking high-society and sometimes I want to look like a cowgirl. I even like to wear heels and a dress with an apron while I bake. Yes. I like that just as much as when I wear my ripped jeans, harley quinn tube top and lip-tattoos to a movie. So who am I?

I guess this is really an answer to an earlier plea I made to God. Because I KNOW who I am.

I am His Beloved.

After that, the details don't matter. But when I stopped to think about it right now I realized something finally. All my life experiences? As shitty as they often were - I can take the Good out of them. God allows that! In fact - He insists on it! So yeah - maybe some of my fashion loves came from strippers and drugged out rock-stars. Yeah - maybe my clubbing days taught me some seriously inappropriate moves on top of some great swing-dance steps. I don't have to be ashamed to keep pieces of who I was, just because I follow God. I like cursing! I just don't do it with everybody. I like wearing fancy high-heels just as much as I like going barefoot! I like Saving Abel just as much as Chris Rice! I like going to Church and I like going to bars with my friends! These things don't make me contradictory and while no one has told me that - I have!

I've always molded myself to be with whomever has taken me in. I'm currently in a conservative world with cardigan-wearing women and even though it looks good on them - it's taken me forever to realize that I don't have to wear them myself! I can wear my leather jackets and my funny hats! I don't have to Love Nicholas Sparks to be apart of the gang and I really just don't like those books much. I'm more of a fan of JR Tolkein and Harry Potter. Even more so Tamora Pierce, K.M. Shea and Anne McCaffrey. I don't have to love The UnBreakable Kimmy Schmidt or A Series of Unfortunate Events either! I know that makes sense to some people, but I tried SO Hard to like them because of my friends raving about them. It didn't even occur to me that I was allowed to like my own things. And honestly - Action Comedy is always going to be my Absolute Favorite. Independence Day, Deadpool, Sahara, a Knight's Tale, Guardians of the Galaxy - those are my jams. Although - give me a bloody, unrealistic action like 300, Django, Sucker Punch and Reign of Fire and I'm also Heppy Heppy Heppy. Yeah - I like Duck Tales too :)

So in Conclusion: my Life was Hard but I was given a Great Gift and I'm only just now realizing it. I have been SO Many different women and gotten to Experience thousands of things I didn't like or liked very much. Now I just have to sift through and figure out what I like and that God still approves of. We talk about it a lot. Pretty positive He does not approve of super revealing clothing....in public. But it's alright to dress sexy in the safety of my own Home. Same with dancing. And just cause my clothes are modest, does not mean my underthings have to be! My girlfriends taught me that :) I still like dirty jokes too, I just am careful who I enjoy them with.

A lot of the things that God doesn't approve of - I really just don't like anymore. Not a fan of getting drunk or breaking the law. I get nauseous just at the thought of lying. Other things I stopped liking just because - well - I didn't like them. I don't like chicken or diet soda. I don't care if they're good for me. I don't really like wearing a whole bunch of jewelry all the time - the piercings in particular tend to get infected and that's a pain in the ass. I don't like doing my hair AT ALL. I only like doing my makeup for fun - NOT as a Necessity. I also still don't like cardigans.

Most things though - God helps me compromise on. I mean, I still LOVE Body Art, but I also now believe certain things about what it means for my body to be a Temple of God. And no - I do not believe scarring myself is honoring to Him. So, I settle for temporary tattoos and drawing on myself with special pens :D And so that's me. I don't know who I am still. I've been so many different kinds of women and these past couple of years I've really taken a butt-load of time to figure out which aspects are me and which aren't. Or to mold aspects that I like to bring Glory to God rather than Disgrace.

And so I don't know who I am - but I'm enjoying finding out. Well - I get overwhelmed by it too. It's a lot to go through. But when I sit back and remember the Big Picture I remember the Joy. Which is why I was writing this. And so I like Pink. I like flowers and sappy movies. I like dresses and baking. I like tea, coffee -but Hot Cocoa the Most! I like dancing to pop music in the kitchen or my shower. And yes - I do drop it, pop it, polka dot it. I also like to sing to it, sometimes. That usually has to do with who's in hearing range though ;) I'm still a picky reader and I'm still an eclectic music junky. I like to talk, but I like companionable silence more. I still hate small talk. I don't think I'll ever like chicken very much. I'm still quite positive Cheeseburgers are God's gift to mankind and MILK is God's gift to me.

I guess if I wanted to sum up my contradictory nature in one scene it would probably be me wearing a conservative dress, running up to my dad with Bible in hand whilst turning off Lana Del Rey on my phone. My phone goes in my purse along with my heels and out come my favorite pair of men's sunglasses(sadly no flames as they only seem to sell those in child-size form these days). I don those as well as a helmet over my completely unkempt hair that has a brilliant streak of pink running through it. Dad steady's the bike and I swing behind him, hoping he won't notice I'm riding barefoot again. He takes off down the street towards church and I grin that idiot smile like I always do when I feel like I'm flying and safe.

Those Sunday Mornings were always The Best <3

Taken at Downtown Live in 2008. One of their Best Concert Series Ever! It's one of those pictures where I look at it and remember how happy I was. In particular I remember I had found bits and pieces of ME. I remember me brother-in-law hopeful, Andy taking so many pictures and I caved and posed for one. I remember how I felt, surrounded by friends and safe with a man I loved, who had taken me in. I remember that feeling. It was nice. I had a home again and people who wanted me. I remember enjoying that Day SO Much because of that. And they let me be me. They weren't perfect and neither was I, but they were very good at that. I was different and it was a good thing to them. It gave me a time of Normalcy and Rest that I needed. I loved that shirt, I loved having my nails done and wearing sunglasses with my contacts. I loved my jeans and sparkly belt and I have no doubt I had already kicked my sandals off. That was one of the Best Days of my Life.

I have it again. It's Different. But that Safety is Better - it's MORE. The Love is All-Encompassing and Wonderfully Overwhelming. I'm happy, yes - and often sad. I'm feeling and it's hard. I'm crazy and that's ok. I am not the girl from that picture - but she's still apart of who I am. I am often Broken and Silent and Hurting. I laugh as I cry and I scream. I am No Untouched Flower. But I am the Perfect Storm in the Sea.

I am not pretty - I am Beloved.

I am not sweet - I am More.

I am not thoughtful - I'm Crazy.

I am not kind - I am the Perfect Storm.

I am His Perfect Storm.

Thank You my Lord