A coup de grâce (/ˌkuː də ˈɡrɑːs/; French [ku də ɡʁɑs] for "blow of mercy") is a death blow to end the suffering of a severely woundedperson or animal.[1][2] It may be a mercy killing of civilians or soldiers, friends or enemies, with or without the sufferer's consent.
Examples of coup de grâce include shooting the heart or head (typically the back of the skull) of a wounded, but still living, person during an execution or by humanely killing a suffering, mortally wounded soldier, in war, for whom medical aid is not available. Other examples include the officer leading firing squad administering a coup de grâce to the condemned with a pistol if the first hail of gunfire fails to kill the prisoner or a beheading to quickly end a samurai's agony after seppuku.
I never liked the concept of Euthanasia.
"Termination of life by a doctor at the request of a patient"
Not for the reasons many have issues with it however.
The idea of asking someone to help end my life makes me shudder.
I mean, that will scar them for duration of their own life...in one way or another.
I can't imagine putting ANYone through that, friend or foe.
The result would no longer be worth it.
Knowing I finally was able to escape the pain and suffering of this world,
but only because I had added to it ten-fold for another?
No, that's not worth it to me. Not even slightly.
I would rather continue to be tortured than ask that of someone.
I'd rather hand my assailants their weapons and say thank you for the wounds.
than give them another victim in my place.
If you haven't figured it out by now, my instinct is to take people's pain.
No matter the form -
I would rather add more wounds to my own body than allow someone else to be mutilated.
Especially someone I love.
But that doesn't mean I don't wish for coup de grace.
There's not a day that goes by that I don't wish for God to deliver a mercy blow.
I don't know why people always think I'm exaggerating about this.
I've discussed it with a couple people and they all say it boils down to empathy.
People can't relate and would really rather not.
Instead, they will dismiss my words as exaggeration.
While etymology has always been a passion of mine, semantics has become incredibly important to me because of how often I'm seen as the boy who cried wolf.
I have been working very hard at choosing my words carefully for a while now.
So let me think about how to phrase this...
I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE
This place, this world, this life. I want it over. I want it finished. I want it Done.
That's the truth.
That's not an exaggeration.
I believe in Heaven, I believe there is an eternity waiting for me after this life.
I cannot tell you how much I look forward to a new life, a new body and mind devoid of Pain!
And I would have no problem killing myself in order to hurry this process if I respected God any less.
In this case, I respect His Power.
He has insisted I am needed here whether I like it or not, as evident by the numerous times I have already attempted suicide and been told it was a Stupid MIRACLE I survived.
But let me make this very clear for those incredibly stubborn Asses.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE
I am not alive because I want to be, I am alive because I need to be.
Although I do have an incredibly hard time understand what God needs me for.
I'm sure it's another issue with empathy, on my part definitely.
But I simply cannot Fathom the idea of needing to "humble myself".
Not in the ways I so often hear this phrase used.
While I do understand humility and it's importance, as well as the issue of pride.
For me, that typically means wanting to control my life, not because I think I'll do it well.
But because giving control of your life to another being involves a great deal of trust.
And, in the past, I have made the mistake of trusting the wrong people with it...
The results speak for themselves.
I have only just begun trusting God with my life.
But that doesn't mean life is suddenly all hunky dory.
No, I have too many issues with trust to know how to do it properly.
Right now, trusting is often enduring the pain.
Even when it drives me down to the ground, begging for a mercy blow.
Right now trusting means when I'm in the shower and it begins to hurt -
Instead of beating the wall with my fists till their bruised in bloody -
I choose to lay with my forehead pressed against the bottom of the tub and silently scream until I can scream no more.
I lay there as the shower rains down until I am in danger of passing out and drowning.
The trip from the shower to my bed is harder than any of my winter runs.
Letting the darkness claim me as I lose consciousness - is my reward.
You can think that's an exaggeration or a strongly worded paragraph for effect.
It's not.
How many times have I covered up the marks from losing it?
How many times have I walked out of a place so people wouldn't see my pain?
How many times have I found ways to ease my private suffering in public that didn't draw attention,
but left small bruises for days.
And those are just the physical scars.
They do not even begin to portray the scars in my mind.
I know many understand.
I know many relate.
And I know it's never talked about.
I know we're taught to suppress our pain, which often causes it to pressurize instead...
And eventually explode.
You have NO Idea how good I am at suppressing my emotions.
NO Idea about how often I wear an incredibly realistic mask.
My mask does not scream that I have my life together.
No, my mask says "I'm fine. I'm not in pain."
When all I want to do is go somewhere and lose it.
Perhaps you think I'm exaggerating again.
Or maybe you have been scared by me, because you feel you have seen me in pain.
Both are wrong.
I could sit here all day trying to make you understand this the way I'd like to...
but an explanation about my natural ability for isolation exercises is not the solution.
And I'm attempting to let God run this show.
I cannot force you to see more than you are willing.
If you are stuck on being blind to the Pain in this world.
If you are too stuck on your own pain to see that there are others with pain as well...
You are walking towards a crevice you can't see in this state.
And you are going to fall.
We are all the same and we are all unique.
We all have pain...and it is all very different.
Right now my path on this Pilgrim's Progress involves scaling a very steep cliff.
The hand and footholds are made of broken glass that bite into my flesh as I climb.
My whole body screams to give up.
Even my head is too weak to look up for an end to my journey.
I am beyond exhausted and it wasn't till this past weekend that I finally had a chance to rest.
I wouldn't call it a vacation and even a sabbatical sounds like more fun.
This was like finding a thin shelf to lay down on for a moments breath.
It was a place to gather my courage and my strength and brace to begin climbing again.
I wouldn't call it a peaceful rest as my wounds did not magically heal,
but before I began to climb again...I looked up.
I saw my destination and hope flared anew.
I KNOW what's at the top and I will not give up till I make it.
There are moments when I see why this world is worth it.
There are times when I understand God's plan for Eden -
When I catch glimpses of it all around me.
I Know it's at the top of this cliff -
The understanding of why the pain is worth being alive.
And the excitement of not only believing and having faith that it is.
But seeing it for myself - hastens my climb.
Even as my hands and feet shred from my journey.
Even as a tear escapes I keep my eyes on Him.
For even if I never make it, even if I never see the view in this lifetime...
He is with me.
He is worth the climb, even if I never make it to the top.
And so, I keep going.
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