I stopped because I wanted to blend in. I stopped because I was talking about marriage with my now husband, while feeling the weight of disapproval from people who were worried. People who knew a little of my abnormalities, concerned for my then husband-to-be. And I couldn't take it. I couldn't handle giving anybody any more reasons to not want me a part of his life.
And so I went quiet.
I know this was wrong - but it worked.
And so then there were all these new people who didn't know anything about me - and they still don't! Because I'm able to blend in again. I'm past the point where I have to constantly run and hide as my mind tries to rip me apart.
I've come far in my therapy. My life is no longer a sea of black and white - I now have empathy and understand how Grace works. I have become more flexible and therefore, break less often. I don't blame others for the pain they cause me - I hurt with understanding and love. And best of all - I understand the reason for Life. I understand why God wants me here. I understand this is not my Home and is truly fucked up. And I am beyond honored to be His broken tool in a broken world.
I am doing so well, that my therapist has started to suggest that one day I might not fit the criteria of a person with Borderline. This is a label that I've been told many times is not given easily, as it can never be taken away. A diagnosis that is more severe than autism or even schizophrenia - as it is far more lethal. Borderline patients die. That's the hard fact. We are unable to cope with the intense pain and we either commit suicide or die via lethal coping mechanisms such as drugs or adrenaline seeking highs.
There is no medicine to help with this. There is no way to take away the pain. It will be with us the rest of our life. We are emotional burn victims with no ability to heal. We can only hone an ability to manage the pain appropriately and learn how to function, knowing it could flare up at any time. My inability to regulate emotions - that won't change. But handling emotions - that is a skill I now possess.
My therapist recently said if he could check in on me by channeling how I was feeling into his own mind - he would instantly crumble and begin to vomit. I hate when people respond to "I'm not normal" with "there's no such thing as normal." There is a norm. There is an average. What I feel is not average. And suggesting that there is no normal, doesn't make me feel better. It makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong, that death became such a relief in my eyes. Affirmation that I am strong in the face of such an intense disorder - that has been something I have come to cherish.
Because I am strong. Not by choice. Not out of pride do I say this. I say this because I need to believe this happened for Good. That God is using my Brokenness for His Glory. I am Strong because He turned my Pain into Strength. I love because He Loved me enough to save me from myself. I Trust Him because He taught me how.
I am not a product of myself. I am a product of HIM. And that - I can take pride in.
I hurt. More than I can convey. That is my thorn.
But the rose attached - is that I can love beyond what I can explain. I feel joy and excitement in such a tidal wave - it can swamp those I am excited for if I am not careful. I FEEL. Too much. But not all feelings are bad.
Furthermore - God has surrounded me with a community of His Own. I am no longer wallowing in shame, waiting for my next sexual fix. I haven't been called a slut or a whore in years. My core identity has changed from "Worthless" to "Valuable" - not in a way I understand, but in a way I am so very very Grateful for. How Grace works is known to me, but why is still completely incomprehensible. And I'm ok with that.
I don't need to know why God loves me. It's more than enough to have Complete Trust that He DOES.
I am not normal. I am incredibly broken. I am a used, bloody, dirty, instrument of my Lord.
So here's to talking about our dirty little secrets! The reasons we are Christians. For without them - we would have no understanding of Grace and no reliance on God. So a toast! To the Broken and Weary.
Jesus came for us.
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