Who remembers growth spurts when you were little? Yeah - not everyone will. Typically, the people who do remember are the ones who had massive growth spurts in a very short amount of time and their skin had to quickly stretch to accommodate their growing limbs. It Hurts. And the faster you grow, the more it hurts. It's called "Growing Pains". I remember those a bit, like an ache, but I didn't shoot up as fast or as much as many. I knew some kids who the pain was excruciating for, even one who had to leave school for an extended time period because of this.
We all grow spiritually at different rates and for different reasons. And it's alright to slowly grow over years. I simply don't have that option anymore and that's alright too. My therapy and spiritual growth are directly connected. When I grow in one - I grow in the other. And as I did not want to live last year and my functioning capabilities were at a record low - it was imperative to start learning skills to make life easier on others. And then - I decided to learn to want to live - and my therapy took a whole new meaning. It led me to Know God unlike ever before and now I am skyrocketing in my growth. And while I now see this as an amazing Hashtag Blessing ;) He's given me, it is still HARD. And it is Painful.
I am not normal. I am never going to be normal. I am not unique in this either. And I am beginning to not only be ok with this - but to really appreciate what makes me different. I have a grasp on many things other people simply don't get yet, and perhaps never will. We all have various strengths and weaknesses - and it's good to see how we can help each other. Not everyone can be a hand, or foot, or the head of the Church. I like to think I am the heart. I love to Love and although I still often do it poorly like so many, it is a passion of mine that God has given me and I have been working hard with Him on this skill set.
I've had this conversation with many of you and will have it with many more. But nobody hears all my thoughts. There are too many. Only God has that kind of time to sit and listen - and that's cause He's outside of Time :) . I have an hour appointment with my therapist every week and I cannot even catch him up on the Big Stuff that happened within the previous week. There is So Much, we've started concentrating on the items that I cannot figure out myself or with the help of others. Every time you see me - I will have learned something new. An old revelation will be tweaked or dismissed or built upon. I may have changed my opinion on a big ticket item I was once very passionate about. Things I was working through once - if it was last month - there's a Good chance it's not a struggle anymore. If it was last year - I may look at you like you're crazy for even thinking it's a struggle.
Time has taken a new meaning for me. And I think I often don't realize how little time has passed. Every day is So Filled with thoughts, conversations, emotions and God - that last week feels like last year and last year feels like decades ago. And although it is Super Exciting - it's also really really difficult. And it doesn't make it easier when people simply cannot keep up with where I am and I tend to forget that. I do not blame y'all for asking me how I'm doing with a struggle that I overcame weeks ago when I remember that you had no way of knowing. I think it's great that people are so loving to ask. The way I react is often because I feel like I moved on from that ages ago and I don't realize it was just last week that I asked for prayer on this matter.
I am going to work very hard in remembering I simply cannot convey all that is going on in my Life, in my head and in my heart to Everyone. I can only relay it to just One - The One. And I would respectfully ask that you keep this in mind when interacting with me as I may tend to continue to react with surprise when asked a question I have long since answered and placed aside to deal with a new round of struggles. I have many you know and I'm in Go-G0-Go Mode ;) .
I am not the person I was as a child. I am not the person I was in high school. I am not the girl from the party scene. I am not the girl you went to visit in the hospital. I am not the girl who decided to live last year. I am not even the woman who fell in Love with the Son of God. I am new every morning because of God in me. He is pushing me to grow faster than I like, but I will Follow Him ANYwhere because He Is My Savior. He is my Hero. He is my Love. He never gave up on me and I want to follow Him for the Rest of My Days and Beyond.
Thank you my Lord.
Thank you my friends.
And have a Good, God Day.
<3
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