I Have a Confession

"Grow Up!!!"
How many times have I uttered this phrase in my Blog now?
No - don't tell me. I'm not really sure I actually want to know.

I stand by my words though. I really do look around this world in Absolute Shock and Horror at the ways "Christians" act these days in the name of God. It sickens me. My Blog was never begun as a way to post this, but it has steadily become that. And now I make a confession . While on the one hand - y'all need to Grow the Fuck Up.

However.
You also need a very important thing to do so.
Time

That and guidance, the right set of tools, opportunity and of course - Most Importantly - An Intense Relationship with God.

But ALL of this...takes Time.

And honestly - I forget that is what I needed also.

What I still Need.

It's true that - when I look at me - I still have an Incredibly Hard time seeing a Godly woman.

Often all I see is a young, stupid girl - a coward. And selfish above all else.

Despite the words of friends, family and even strangers - I still struggle with seeing, and most Definitely - Admitting any of my God-given Strengths and Talents.

And while it may only be an excuse - it may help that this is why I often get SO Frustrated with the Christian Community - with The Church.

I see people who have had their eyes "open" for So Much longer than me!

People who have grown up and thrived in the Church!

People who have read the Bible EVERY Day for Years!

Who have gone to Bible Studies and Graduated Seminary - or college - or are just really friggin Smart!

And then there's me.

A girl who spent a decade running from God and Pain.

Who made pretty much every single bad decision in the book.

Who willfully left the church, her family and her life to seek an easier path in Life.

But there's no such thing as an easy Path on my Pilgrim's Progress.

Although Imma throw something Real at you...

The Decade of Running from God - was Fucking Hella Easier than Following Him.

And that is The TRUTH.

This is also an understanding that many within the Church cannot seem to comprehend.

It baffles me.

How can I - the Complete Fuckup:

29 and Single

No Degree

No Job

No License or Car

Therapy Once a Week

Doesn't Know How to Cry Properly

Doesn't Know How to Cook Easily

Still Gets Scared to Ask for a Ride

And Still Enjoys a good ole "That's what she said" Joke...

How can I see a Truth SO Clearly and yet SO Many simply don't?

How can people who I have always deemed as "Better" than me - miss some of the Most Obvious Lessons Christ taught us?

How can they even seem to understand something, believe they do, even talk as if they do - but through their Words and Deeds - prove that they truly, just - Don't?

I would like to think many of the Truths I understand are simply fallacies.

It would make sense to me that I'm just wrong.

And yet - how many times have I written a blog post only to have dozens of Christian friends affirm exactly what I said? How often has our Pastor done the same? Several times he did so the following week of my Post!

No - What I'm saying has merit.

It's just that not everyone sees that yet. They aren't spiritually mature enough to understand.

And here's the kicker...

That is OK

No - it's not ok to stay that way forever.

We ALL have to Grow Up.

(and I personally hate this part of life)

But we do.

However

It's ok to not rush it.

How often have I cried because I saw what I needed to learn - but couldn't grasp it fast enough.

How many women have admitted with me - that we just want to be perfect NOW!

We don't want to be Patient.

We don't want to Work for it.

And - SideNote - Sin is not often just flicked out of existence by God.

No - that's rarely how He opperates.

When there is sin in your Life - you ask God to take it away of course.

But how does He do that?

He typically give you the tools and His Own Strength and Guidance.

You cannot do it on your own and only God can forgive you for it - But

Sometimes the Best Lesson Learned - is the Hard Way.

Us Humans - We Need Consequences Often to Truly Understand.

To Truly Hate Our Sin - having it disappear at the drop of a prayer would teach many of us Nothing.

Growing Spiritually - Sanctification - involves learning Much the HardWay.

We learn through Pain, Sweat, Tears and even Blood.

Perhaps - especially Blood.

It Sucks

Like - it Really Really BLOWS

And so I get it now.

Many people aren't ready for that.

People don't want to Grow.

It's Fucking Hard.

I simply no longer had a choice.

And now I realize that the people I get exasperated with, simply aren't where I am yet.

And that's alright.

It wasn't alright when people looked down on me for that.

And it's not alright to look down on others for it.

We all grow.

At different rates, times and for different reasons.

And above all - I am grateful that God has given so many the time to Grow Slowly.

You may hear a sarcastic undertone in that sentence, but believe me in that it is your own imagination, spurned by a lifetime of experiences.

While I may seem patronizing or condescending to someone who does not know me well...

Hear me now.

The thought of people going through what I've been through is a sure fire panic attack in the making.

I would Spare Anyone the need to learn what I have in the ways I did.

I wish my Path of Sanctification on NO ONE.

Least of all someone I love.

So Yes.

I am Incredibly Grateful that people have the chance to Grow Slowly.

I am Beyond Thankful they do not have to go through hell years and More Pain than I can convey.

I would Grow Slower if I could.

But I don't get that option any more.

And because of this I see my error.

You are allowed to Grow Slowly.

I am SO Very Grateful For this

And so while you still do need to...

GROW UP

I will also remember that I DO NOT WANT you to have to do it Fast.

I am HeartBroken at the very thought.

With Much Imperfect Love