I've never really understood why people either cannot or will not understand my Pain. But lately, I've had some idea. I still don't have the whole picture formed, but this is going to be me writing - trying to get some of these puzzle pieces to fit together. People have proven time and time again that while I may be important to them, my Pain is not. This I've always understood. People cannot understand my Pain and so they brush it off as not Real. The believe me to be exaggerating, a drama queen, or an attention whore. If you think any of those things about me - you obviously don't know me well and you will also never be a trusted friend of mine. I may try to trust you - but I will never succeed.
I will no longer let others convince me my Pain is not Real. That it does not hurt. And I did, for an Incredibly Long time. I believed I was all those things people said about me and it sucks to believe things that aren't - true. I mean, how can you fix something, if what you're trying to fix, isn't what is Broken? For years and years I tried to "fix" things...that were never the problem to begin with. I tried to believe I was normal - I'm not. I tried to believe I was Fine - I'm not. I tried to suck it up - I can't. I tried to pray so God will just magically take the Pain away without learning anything - News Flash -- He didn't. And I'm glad. I might Hate the Pain - but I'm wiser knowing why it's there and not having it go away before I figured out the root issues behind it. I'm better off following God, Growing and Sanctifying even though it hurts like a Bitch, then having Him just transport me to the final destination.
I dislike admitting this - but I'm grateful for the Pain. I'm even more Grateful for the time, safety and security of where I am right now - to be able to find the source and use God and the Strength He gifts me - to eliminate it. I've never been in a place in life, with the resources to do this. Many people don't understand all that therapy entails. It is Amazing(with the right professional) and it's also Fucking Hard. Therapy involves bringing the Pain to the surface. It involves finding the root issues and shitty as it is, in order to do that, you have to be willing to withstand the Pain that is associated.
The more the Pain - the harder this is to do. It's basically going into an ancient Roman battle every week - without armor, and just hoping you don't get any mortal wounds that will have you out for more than a day or two. And I usually am. I try not to schedule things on therapy days anymore. I never know whether I will be able to handle anything at all afterwards, much less interactions with others. What's worse is that now that I'm actually working hard at my therapy and fixing root issues - this is a regular thing in my life - having Pain. It didn't used to be. I had coping methods that were Fucking Fantastic at hiding the Pain, not only from others -- but from myself as well. I could bury it deep with some Incredibly UnHealthy Coping Skills. Skills I no longer allow myself.
And so, for a long time - the question of why people don't understand my Pain didn't bother me. They didn't need to, they didn't even need to know about it. But these days - I don't get a choice. My therapy doesn't allow me to hide the Pain. It doesn't allow me to bury it. I have to Feel. And. It. SUCKS. I hate feeling. I hate the Pain. I hate the judgmental looks. And I absolutely hate that people just brush it off. Like, because I hurt so often, it cannot hurt that bad. I mean - if it did - I would be in the hospital regularly. Umm...Wake Up Child. I WAS. Remember? It always hurt you Fool. I just buried it deep until it Burst like a Volcano. And so I was in the hospital regularly. And I'm not now. Why is that? I suspect it has something to do with letting it drain slowly. It still hurts like a MoFo, but I'm stronger than I knew. Particularly since I have God's Strength now.
I also am smart enough to understand the hospital can't help me. Not anymore. And that's really it actually. The Pain is far worse than it ever was before I started draining it, but I would rather curl up in a ball and silently scream in my room for a day and a half, then go to a hospital. Why? Because they can't help me. I'm getting the help I need and this is part of that. What is a professional going to do? Just sit there and watch? Um. NO Thank you. And it's not 24/7 peeps. Not often anymore. I have learned healthy techniques, for if I have to do it for more than a day - I start losing my mind. Distraction is key. It's not about shoving the Pain back down, where it will only grow exponentially - it's about being able to put it aside for a while, distract just long enough to Breathe and Brace before you let it come back.
And have you ever considered that I do that? Friends of mine - do you realize that I actively allow the Pain to come? Have you understood that I can bury it, that I can choose not to feel it? Do you really and truly understand that I have that capability and deny myself it? I do this because that's now how I will heal. I do this because God has given me Bravery when I am an Utter Coward. I willingly allow the Pain because I choose to follow God and He insists. I Trust Him and He has proven that He is Trustworthy, despite not needing to do this. He has proven He will help me handle the Pain - when I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I cannot.
The Pain is Real. I still have a hard time comprehending how people don't believe this. How they can brush it off like it doesn't matter? And I realize that I've thought of many people as pussies in tattoo parlors. Big Biker Men have screamed when getting their tattoos done. It's never hurt me enough to do more than wince. But that doesn't mean it didn't hurt them. For a Bazillion of varieties of reasons - people feel different levels of Pain when delivered the same amount of "pressure". Whether physical or mental - this is True. I often think men are babies when it comes to Pain. Oh - your balls just got tapped? You poor thing - why do you take my cramps once a month and get back to me on that? But in reality - we're all hurting and this isn't a competition.
We need to stop judging each other based on our own experiences of Pain. And we really need to stop bullying each other about it. Yes. I will not use the word teasing. It's not nice - it's not kind - and it in no way brings Glory to God. I include myself in this admonition. It is alright to hurt. It's alright to hurt and cry out. It's alright to hurt and not cry out. Everybody is different. You have no right to judge them on something you cannot feel yourself.
And while I do grant that there are many drama queens and attention whores out there who exaggerate their own Pain - have you ever thought about why they do this? If you're answer is that they're Spoiled...then you are a FOOL. Go talk to God - because nothing I can say will sway you if you are that ignorant to the realities of this world. And maybe, if you stop blinding yourself to Truth - you will be able to look around you and SEE. You will see Pain in Everyone, Everywhere. People hurting at a variety levels and handling it in even more ways - rarely healthy ones. The human race was kicked out of Eden, filled with sin and all longing to be FREE of it. We long to Go Home. All of us. We just don't all know it yet.
So I hurt. You hurt. The stranger walking down the street hurts. And it all matters. Do not make my mistake of dismissing another person's pain so lightly, emotional or physical. Pain is Pain. There's nothing you can do to change that. Only He can. And He will. He is. In my life and in others. I will ask this of you. Whether or not you can empathize - pray on this blog post. Because I'm tired of my Pain being blown off and dismissed simply because you don't understand it, can't comprehend it, or refuse to believe it hurts. My Pain is just as valid as another's. But it has been very rare for me to enjoy friends who I know believe that. They are my miracles, whom I treasure for simply treating my Pain like it matters. For treating me - like I'm not worthless.
I realize God believes I'm valuable, but honestly - there are very few who I believe think the same. God and I have talked about it. I know that if I were to have no one at all who thought I was worth it. If I was back in the hell years with no one to believe I was worth anything more than a charity case friend - I would be alright. Because I have Him - and that is enough. I would hate it and I don't believe that is a realistic scenario anymore, but it is good to be prepared. Worse-case scenarios are difficult when I do that in-depth exercise. To truly think about how you would handle something like that - but I could and would turn to God. He is enough for me. But often I pray for more friends who believe I'm worth befriending, as different and as intense as I am.
And the Really Cool thing? He's been answering that prayer. When you give up an idol to God - you typically go without for a while. As a test to see for yourself that you can. And then it gets pretty awesome - because He gives back what you gave up, tenfold. No longer as an idol - but as a gift. Whether it's safety you idolize, happiness, security, control, friends - whatever you think you NEED. Whatever you would never give up if God asked you to. Whatever you value above God. Whatever you are unwilling to Trust Him with - Give it up. Eventually He will take it away anyways, so give it up now. And it will hurt. It will be scary. You will go without until you're truly ready to be entrusted with such a Gift again.
And all those things are Gifts. If you think you deserve the security your job provides, the safety of your children, the control of your possessions or even your own life? Oh dear Child of God - my heart goes out to you. From personal experience I can tell you that having your idols taken away when you refuse to Trust God - is The Worst. Don't make my mistake. Be Grateful for the Gifts God has given you and always remember that they are not yours. Nothing is. You've earned nothing but Hell. Christians, remind yourself daily that you still deserve Hell also. Becoming a Christian does not mean you deserve to go to Heaven. It means that God has saved us from it.
Often people get sucked into the idea that their conversion makes them better than others - that they are worth more now, as Christians. That is So Beyond Wrong it sickens me. You are Worth NOTHING. Not with sin still in your heart. We are no more than bloody rags. It is Christ who takes away our sin and restores the perfection we were designed for. We are valuable to God as He is outside of time, but we are not Valuable as we are now. When God shines through us you can see what we will become, but at the moment -- You and I are the exact same in what we deserve. As is the murderer on death row, the hooker hawking her wares, the preaching spewing lies and falsehoods, the man raping the child, should I continue?
We are all the same. We are all different. Life is a Complexity and being able to see those Complexities is Fucking Hard, but Hella Important. Neither is it fun. It is Good. But I would not say it is enjoyable. I do not find joy in writing these. I do not find comfort. I find Pain. I find the answers I seek. I share the answers I find. And above all - I try to Follow God and I Pray that He will use my Posts for His Glory. Even when I say things poorly and even when I can be cruel. He can untwist any kind of sin and so I pray He does so with every Post. That He will use my Words for Good and not let them be used for Evil. Even with a soul full of sin and evil spewing from my mouth. He can and does change that. He transforms my words as He transforms my soul. And for this my God - I thank You. With all my Imperfect Love - I thank You.
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