A Tired Ramble: I don't even know what I wrote.

Know your limits.

I love horror movies and crime shows. Course, the repercussions of indulging include an inability to sleep without the lights on aka. At All. Paranoia tends to make me cranky from exhaustion and constantly being on edge. So I've learned to steer clear.

Know your limits.

Dramas do more than make me cry. They hit something deep within me that hurts. Something I am still unable to name. They're too much. Especially when they are GOOD. I can't. It's past my limit. At least for now.

I should have known better. But now that I understand. And I won't make this mistake again. Even if the movie is hella good -- as this one is.

Know Your Limits

There is a Difference between Healthy Limits and a Comfort Zone. It is often Very Good to leave your comfort zone. It is even Good to test your limits and push them a bit. But you must know them. You must know them well enough to not get seriously injured. Mentally or Physically...

Know. Your. Limits.

Only God knows your limits better than you can. If you don't Trust yourself - Trust Him.

It's a funny thing, to not Trust yourself...and yet want control of your life. To - to - to be terrified to make decisions, but even more scared to let someone else. I don't trust me. But I trusted Him less. I haven't trusted me in a very long time. I haven't been able to. Because I knew how untrustworthy, how unstable, I was.

I didn't Trust Him. I didn't Trust me. I rarely Trusted others, but when I did - well - human nature is 100% Guaranteed to be Fallible. When there is no one to Trust...well -- I hid. I hid within myself. I hid so deep - I lost me.

I lost myself to Fear. I lost myself to Shame. I lost myself to Hate. To Anger and Self-Loathing. I did not like me. Not a single part of me. Nothing. And little by little I beat who I was to cower in hiding...to retreat into the void that opened up in my soul. The Black Whole swallowed everything that I was. It swallowed everything I was meant to be.

And then God said,
Fuck That.

Well, my translation and summation of events may have distorted that idea a bit.

Regardless, God said NO. He proved to me, without provocation or my desire -- despite being Unworthy of such a Magnanimous Gesture
-- God proved to me MY OWN WORTH - to Him.

He reached into the Void. He found me. He brought me back...to OneDay bring me Home. He Saved me. He Loves me. I still don't Trust me very easily. I don't know me yet all that well. But Him? I Trust Him. Even if I can be difficult, stubborn and lapse into old habits of hiding, running and fighting from fear...He is Patient.

He is kind.
He does not envy or boast.
He is not proud, rude or easily angered.
He keeps no record of wrong.

He does not delight in evil - but rejoices with the Truth:

He always Protects, always Trusts.
He always Perseveres.

For that is Who God is. It's what Love is. And what Grace provides.

Thank You Lord. Thank You for Reminding me yet again of what I always forget.

Tine to wipe my eyes and go to bed.
G'night Everybody.