Do I have to be an Independent Woman?

"I'm an Independent Woman!"

I hate that phrase.

Sure - it's Good and Fine and Dandy.

But for the people who want to be Independent.

Do I want to be Independent?

No. No I don't.

And I'm not. I rely on the Government for my income. I rely on my therapist for my sanity. I rely on my friends and family for SO Much. And I rely on God for Love, Grace and Strength to survive my fucked up life

But, because of the fucked up choices I've made -- I crave touch...and yet there are very few that I trust who are willing to touch me. I crave sitting next to someone while watching tv and resting my head on their shoulder. I crave walking down the street arm-in-arm. I crave genuine hugs and behind held as I cry.

I used to get touch every day, since birth really. I didn't realize how much I needed it until I lost it alltogether. I look back and don't really question why I sought sex, when that included touch.

It's said a healthy day includes 3 hugs. I am lucky to get half of one.

Maybe this sounds silly. Perhaps it is. I can't sleep without my cats on the bed. That's probably silly too. But it's true. Anybody who has had a sleepover with me knows I will gravitate towards them and probably plant a foot on them for comfort. This is me. It always has been.

Maybe I am just being silly. Maybe the tears streaming down my face are for something deeper. I don't know.

But it doesn't negate how hard it is to have had an abundance of Love in the form of such a small gesture my entire life -- and then to lose that. To be alone at home with only my cats to cuddle, if they're feeling generous.

I'm an Independent Woman!
I don't need a man. I don't need friends. I don't need family.

Fuck that.

I need you. And I'm sorry I'm fucked up. I'm sorry I can't be touched easily. I know I flinch. I know I can't handle it from everyone. I know I'm complicated and scared. I know I'm a Complete Mess. I'm sorry.

I'm probably just being silly. I'm probably just tired of being the Independent Woman I feel like I'm supposed to be while simultaneously wanting someone to rock me as I cry. I'm probably just being a baby and dumb bunny.

I know God is with me. I do. He reminds me every day of His Love for me. Even now it brings a smile to my face. And even if I go the rest of my life without someone to give me three hugs a day - I know with Him I will be alright. I will be More than alright! For I am His and He is mine. And that is Far more than I could Ever even Hope for. It is More than Enough. It is more than I deserve.

But God - maybe if I could have more hugs? That would be nice.