Agápē

You know how some people say they're filled with so much happiness they could burst? I have that too, but it's not happiness. It's not even joy or contentment. For over a decade there was a hole in the pit of my stomach. I'm sure you've heard the cliche, but I'm not using it right now. It is just the best way to describe how it felt. A blackhole that sucked everything that was Good, everything that was God, everything that made me - me ~ a #Void that was So Big and Empty I couldn't even begin to fill it in, although I tried. I got used to it's presence, but it never got easier. If anything, every day it sucked more and more Life out of me. I was almost all gone last year. Depleted and in So Much Pain, I couldn't remember what it was like to feel Whole. Like Back to the Future - I was vanishing, but from the inside out. There was So Little of me left last February. The Void was So Big, so very #Empty. #Hope had long since dissipated into its depths, as well as anything I once believed. Everything I knew was a lie. Nothing remained but #Despair. I often wonder if it's my stubbornness that brought this on, my inability to blindly believe. And yet, I don't believe it truly matters, because it is also my stubbornness and my constant seeking of the Truth that has me the person I am now. I'm not content with blind faith. I question God. I question Everything. I think So Much it HURTS. I pepper my Lord with questions and insolence every moment of every day and He Loves it in ways. Because He knows I trust Him, even when I don't get an answer now. Even if I'm unsatisfied with the answer - I #Trust Him. I'll complain and argue with Him about anything and everything, but I will follow Him as I do. Through anything - I will follow my #God. He didn't have to - but He proved Himself to me, over and over again. I doubted Him, I distrusted Him, I scorned and mocked Him. What's worse - I blamed Him for my pain. Still do often actually. We're still working on that one. I never demanded He prove Himself. No - I BEGGED Him to. And He did. My faith really was like a #MustardSeed. So small and pathetic at first. But with time and patience - it has grown. And today - I can tell you that my void is Gone. It has been for quite some time. Not only that - but I am often So Full and Overflowing -not with any emotion- but with #LOVE. Love In it's raw, unadulterated and Holy form. And I'm not talking about that overused, misunderstood and incredibly mistreated term of endearment. I'm talking about #Agape. For Ever and For Always - my God, You will Be. Thank You Yaweh - from now until Eternity - I know you will never let me go <3

I'm Done

I've said I'd Never say those words again. But Never say Never. And I'm Done. I'm Done with standing by and letting people get hurt and not saying anything. I'm Done with it being ok to hurt someone and not have it pointed out. I'm Done with encouraging and promoting this idea that Women are NOT Valuable.

And let me be clear - I am not thinking about one individual or one group of individuals. I have had this conversation with a countless number of people for the last several weeks about the turn society has taken and had so many encouraging responses that I'm Finally DONE with standing by and not taking a stand.

I realize many don't see this as a problem, so let me explain First - why it is a Significant Issue in our society, if not the world. Since the beginning of time woman has been seen as inferior, as lesser than, as property or a prize. I believe this started because man was given the role as the head of the household by God, Himself. I Love that men have this role what I Absolutely Loathe is that for some Ridiculous reason, that entitled man to become Better than woman. That, having a position of authority somehow got twisted to make a man Worth more than woman. This is WRONG. And Feminism - only made it worse. Why?

Because while I Wholeheartedly Applaud women wanting to be seen as Equal - the way we're going about it is Just as Wrong. For the last couple of generations, women have been attempting to be seen as Equal - by Becoming a man. Look around you, women are not only attempting to acquire the same strengths as men, but the same vices as well. You will find a female CEO with a drinking problem who brags about her latest one night stand. Feminism may have had good intentions, but instead of promoting a woman's worth as she is - it got twisted until the only way we can be seen to have value - is to think and act as man does.

And this comes to my anger. WE DO NOT THINK LIKE MEN. Oh yes. I hear the "We knoooow." I also hear the "Y'all Crazy!" And that's where my anger comes from. The way we think is NOT Crazy. It can be, the same as yours. You might not understand the way our minds work - but that doesn't make our reasoning less valid. If you can't follow a woman's argument - there's a good chance You are simply not sanctified enough in that area to have reached a point in your maturity to be able to follow her thought process. And yes - I did mean to use that fancy term "sanctified" - I know Exactly what it means. You want to ask me about why I think it's Totally Correct Usage - I would Love to have that debate with you.

And If a girl seems crazy paranoid that you're going to hurt her in some way, there's a good chance she's had experience with needing to analyze situations in order to survive. She simply doesn't trust that you're different than the last person she gave her heart to, watched them tear it to pieces in front of her and then laughed as she cried in response. Logically, she probably can't even explain this. And I've got something to say that may be news for some of you - LOGIC is NOT the only valid argument! It is often NOT even a Valid argument!! I know, blasphemy to many men. Go take Philosophy 101. I'm tired of all your logical fallacies.

Logical Fallacies

Logic is the study of reasoning -- the nature of good (correct) reasoning and of bad (incorrect) reasoning. Its focus is the method by which an argument unfolds, not whether any arbitrary statement is true or accurate. Thus, an argument can be both deductively valid and perfectly absurd, as in 1. All telephone poles are elephants. 2. Sally is a telephone pole. 3. Therefore, Sally is an elephant. The conclusion is valid because it conforms to a correct syllogistic pattern -- in this case, affirmation of the antecedent -- but is ludicrous at the same time. 

As a "branch" of philosophy, logic is often broken down into many subsets: for instance, modal logic, many-valued logic, modern logic, symbolic logic, formal and informal logic, deductive and inductive logic...

~Philosophical Society

Emotional reasoning is vastly different than what many men are used to, but it has Great Value and works hand-n-hand with logic. If you don't get that...You. Are. A. Fool. And I'm done with letting you think that's alright.

It is a well known fact in the psychological world that in order to use a "wise mind", an individual must incorporate reason as well as emotion. But as a society - that was shot down around the World War II and Depression Era. People were struggling to cope with pain beyond my wildest imagining and in the end - they just shut down all emotions. How many of my friends in their 70s or 80s tell me, quite matter-of-factly, that "I love you" just wasn't ever said. Not only were negative emotions shut down, but positive ones as well. And I wholeheartedly agree that sins are passed down from generation to generation. And that's often because they aren't Even acknowledged.

So - we don't often acknowledge that we need men to be a macho, tough guy if he wants us to take him seriously. We don't admit that we do that and that it's wrong. And it's even Less Acknowledged that this has always occurred with girls as well. And now that we're trying to be seen as equals - it's gotten Far Worse. We no longer cry. We no longer bubble with joy. A professional setting requires no emotion of any kind. Why? Because to ever be taken seriously, no emotion must be allowed. This is Bullshit. For BOTH of our genders. I can't even post a picture of a tear without censure.

And that photo wasn't because I wanted attention! No - I am the Last person who wants to be emotional OR attention when I am emotional. And if you haven't figured that out yet. YOU ARE A FOOL. I am at a point where I have simply grown past my Own Foolishness where I realize the Importance of Emotions. I Had to learn to be alright with them. In order to grow - in order to even stay sane - I had to start letting myself - be ME.

And I'm a woman people! I'm emotional and that's alright! I laugh so hard I can't breathe, I cry over "ridiculous" things and I yell FUCK when I'm frustrated. And that's not only Alright - it's HEALTHY. I agree that it can be taken too far. Life is made up of tight-ropes we have to tread carefully, because we lean too far to the left or right and we fall. And our society fell a long time ago in regards to women.

We ARE Equal. And that is Not because we can do anything a man can do or should have to be able to. Guess what? I want to be a stay home mom. I want to spend time cleaning my house, talking to the neighbors, raising children and taking in strays of every species(human or not). And while that is my passion - it will NOT be easy. And if you think that life sounds fun and carefree. Again...You. Are. A. Fool. Conversations that bring Glory to God are rarely easy and they Drain me Every Single Day. Totally worth it. Totally Fun. Totally Tiring and Most Definitely and Completely - WORK.

Don't you DARE think you're better than your wife because you provide for her. While that is an Amazing Strength - it is NOT the only one that matters. Your wife is at home changing more lives in a half hour than you will all day. And not just your kids. Not just your neighbors. Women have always been known for the love they can so easily exude. Or - once upon a time we were. We no longer are at the same level as generations past, because we've been trying to take on a man's strength instead of encouraging that, that was already within us.

It's time to reclaim what being a woman really means! It's time to spread that a woman's worth is more than the ability to do what men do, but those skills that we are naturally gifted with. And that what we do should Not be taken for granted and Certainly Not demeaned. Maybe a woman's place is in the kitchen, but men ruined that for themselves. What woman would ever want to be the perpetual butt of that joke? Not I. And the women that don't mind it - they've learned to "not care" like a man.

When one of a woman's natural strengths is that we Do Care! We care So Much and this is a Good thing! And when we start to care Too Much - we have men to even us out. Opposites attract because men and women need each other - we rely on each other to temper our opposing strengths and weaknesses. But it's gone too far, "...like a girl" has become and insult and that's Wrong and I'm Done with encouraging this. I'm Done with not speaking out.

I AM a Girl. I run like a girl. I throw like a girl. I cry like a girl. I laugh like a girl. I argue like a girl. I reason like a girl. I get mad like a girl. I get crazy like a girl. I LOVE like a girl. And I'm Proud to be a GIRL.

Like a Girl

Another of My Signature Rambles

Who else has those moments where an accident is about to happen but then disaster is totally averted because of your mad ninja skills? Yeah - I love videos where that gets caught on camera. But what about the times it doesn't? What about the times you're alone and a glass falls and you totally pluck it out of the air like you trained with Mr Miyagi? Who else finds they moonlight as a superhero who can leap a fence in a single bound, but when they try to tell people the truth of their Kent Clark facade - they look at you and laugh. Your clumsiness and incompetency is no secret and for some reason your Beastly Accuracy and Masterful Reflexes never come out unless you are completely and totally alone.

Anybody else have that happen? And every time - you look around and go Really? Did NObody see that - Again?! And then you hear Him. Faintly you hear the voice that's always been there, but you're adept at ignoring. He goes - I did. I saw it. And you go - oh but You don't count. I need actual people to hear and applaud this moment. I need fallible humans to cheer for this victory - not some Omnipotent Being who's Always there getting excited about Every. Single. Success. I mean, come on Dude - the Cooooonstant attention and Love is a little pathetic and beneath You, don't You think?

God can seem like the Ultimate, stereotypical "Nice Guy"

Maybe that's not always our reasoning for dismissing God as a legitimate source for affirmation, but who else realizes how much they reject God as "not enough". How much we turn to others for a stamp of approval, instead to the only One Who really matters. "God is All I need" may be cliche - but it's totally 100% accurate. And we need to live our lives this way. We need to realize that Nothing else Matters. A car or a house, a job or career, friends or even a family Pale next to the Son of God.

If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple.

Luke 14:26 

I get this. And no - it's not a verse about hatred. It's a verse about Love. It's a hyperbole designed to emphasize how Much we are to Love GOD above all else. Love for your possessions, your relationships - your own LIFE - should be NOTHING compared to the Love you should have for our Lord and Savior. And there's a good trick to figuring out whether you are struggling with this. I use it constantly. I think about something, or more likely - someone - that I love, and then I think of a realistic situation where I could lose them. If I can honestly say to God - I'm alright if that happens. If you can HONESTLY say this is key though. I'm tired of hearing people lie to themselves and God, much less to the world.

So many people are like me in that they think ignoring something will make it go away. If I can't see it - it can't see me. Yes - I'm rolling my eyes the same way so many have to me. But we all do this. We all have a sin that we know is there, but we also know is Wrong. And for Some reason, we often tend to think if we don't acknowledge it, if we don't admit it's there - if we tell ourselves over and over this sin is wrong then maybe it will go away on it's own(...). Yeah - I'm giving y'all the signature Look. I know you don't really think that works, but let's think about this more realistically. Lemme think for a sec.

Sorry - this is not as much as a struggle for me - admitting I'm a fuck-up. If you've been reading this blog regularly - you know I struggle with the opposite. So lemme think of a generic example I see in society regularly. Or - I can use that earlier example. Perfect. Ok - so most all my friends will agree that only God's approval matters. We talk about it constantly. People remind me often. Anybody in my church reading this will agree - on a theological level - that God's approval is the only one that matters, yeah? Ok - hopefully you already see where I'm going.

How often does God's approval Not matter to you? How often is it Just - Not Enough. I can already hear your minds whirling, trying to defend yourselves. Trying to justify why you needed the approval of others in whatever situation. Because we won't admit that God's approval is NOT Enough for us. You Know it should be. I know the same thing. I just also know that I don't believe that on a more of a subconscious level. You can KNOW many things and not BELIEVE them. Not truly. And the first step to changing that - is to actually Admit that.

If you cannot admit that you have a MASSIVE problem trusting God or needing Him; Loving or Fearing Him. And FYI - we ALL DO. This is not me throwing the first stone but pointing out a struggle We - ALL of Us - Share. But if you cannot even admit that your most Beastly Ninja skill - that your most exciting career move - that your most romantic gesture - that anything you are proud of(Even in a Godly way) is pathetic next to the Love of God. That our good works are akin to bloody tampons. If you don't get that you do NOT Deserve your job. You did NOT receive a degree because you're smart and studied your butt off. You don't own a home because you Earned it for all your hard work. That's Bullshit and I'm calling you out on it. God gives and He can take away.

0:52

Everything you have, including your possessions, your relationships, even your life - Especially your life - are given to you by the Grace of God. And if you don't get this basic fact, you will never be able to apply all the theology you understand so well. You can have the Bible memorized backwards and forwards. You can have a Phd at Harvard, Princeton and the best Seminaries in the world and still not Truly Believe. You can preach the gospel with a passion and accuracy that astound the world - and still not Truly Believe. And if you are unable to say that you do not Truly Believe something, if not everything - then you are lying to yourself. You are lying to God.

"Just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it."

Belief does not equal Truth. Neither does Understanding. A True Belief in God's teaching involves Understanding Plato's Apology of Socrates, in my opinion. I do not Truly Believe many things I should. And the first step is admitting that. Only then, can we begin to grow in that area. We're all fucked up in this fallen world. We're all sinners. We're all mad here. And yet - we're not all going to Hell for this. I don't know who is or who isn't. I honestly haven't even thought enough about Hell to know whether I believe anybody is or whether I may take a more messianic view on that idea. I'm simply following God every day. I don't believe things because I've read them in books and they makes sense. I believe what God tells me through the way He reveals Himself to me in my LIFE - Every DAY. I like theology - but that is Nothing to a Personal Relationship to my Lord.

And I know people are often wanting a relationship like I have with God, but don't know the formula. Cause there isn't one. I know that's hard, but you have to find God yourself - learn how to listen for Him your own way. The answer isn't going to be in my Blog. It's not going to be in a sermon or any of your books from LifeWay. You need to find how God speaks to you. I will give you a hint though - if it makes you Incredibly Uncomfortable - you're probs on the right track. A personal relationship with God is The Most Uncomfortable, Infuriating, Maddening relationship I have Ever Had. It's worth it. Totally worth it. But don't go into this thinking it's going to be all Lovey Dovey, Hunky Dorey. No no. As in "Oh Heeeeell, NO.". A Close Relationship with God is ANYTHING But. Obnoxious Sneaky Yaweh. Yeah - You are. And it makes me smile as much as it makes me glare these days and I no longer underestimate the Sneaky Sneak:

You know I love you BigMan - even if I do argue with You an Awful Lot

:D

Growing Pains

I have been convicted by God. I often assume those I love and trust know what's going on in my head, but I'm definitely not telepathic. And honestly - so much goes on up there and I tell so many the bits and pieces I have time to tell people, but there's never enough of that. Time. I am learning and growing Constantly. And although this is a good thing - it's definitely NOT "Oh yay! I have this amazing opportunity of receiving disability so I can take the time to learn and grow! Thank You God!" No. It's Definitely NOT that.

Who remembers growth spurts when you were little? Yeah - not everyone will. Typically, the people who do remember are the ones who had massive growth spurts in a very short amount of time and their skin had to quickly stretch to accommodate their growing limbs. It Hurts. And the faster you grow, the more it hurts. It's called "Growing Pains". I remember those a bit, like an ache, but I didn't shoot up as fast or as much as many. I knew some kids who the pain was excruciating for, even one who had to leave school for an extended time period because of this.

We all grow spiritually at different rates and for different reasons. And it's alright to slowly grow over years. I simply don't have that option anymore and that's alright too. My therapy and spiritual growth are directly connected. When I grow in one - I grow in the other. And as I did not want to live last year and my functioning capabilities were at a record low - it was imperative to start learning skills to make life easier on others. And then - I decided to learn to want to live - and my therapy took a whole new meaning. It led me to Know God unlike ever before and now I am skyrocketing in my growth. And while I now see this as an amazing Hashtag Blessing ;) He's given me, it is still HARD. And it is Painful.

I am not normal. I am never going to be normal. I am not unique in this either. And I am beginning to not only be ok with this - but to really appreciate what makes me different. I have a grasp on many things other people simply don't get yet, and perhaps never will. We all have various strengths and weaknesses - and it's good to see how we can help each other. Not everyone can be a hand, or foot, or the head of the Church. I like to think I am the heart. I love to Love and although I still often do it poorly like so many, it is a passion of mine that God has given me and I have been working hard with Him on this skill set.

I've had this conversation with many of you and will have it with many more. But nobody hears all my thoughts. There are too many. Only God has that kind of time to sit and listen - and that's cause He's outside of Time :) . I have an hour appointment with my therapist every week and I cannot even catch him up on the Big Stuff that happened within the previous week. There is So Much, we've started concentrating on the items that I cannot figure out myself or with the help of others. Every time you see me - I will have learned something new. An old revelation will be tweaked or dismissed or built upon. I may have changed my opinion on a big ticket item I was once very passionate about. Things I was working through once - if it was last month - there's a Good chance it's not a struggle anymore. If it was last year - I may look at you like you're crazy for even thinking it's a struggle.

Time has taken a new meaning for me. And I think I often don't realize how little time has passed. Every day is So Filled with thoughts, conversations, emotions and God - that last week feels like last year and last year feels like decades ago. And although it is Super Exciting - it's also really really difficult. And it doesn't make it easier when people simply cannot keep up with where I am and I tend to forget that. I do not blame y'all for asking me how I'm doing with a struggle that I overcame weeks ago when I remember that you had no way of knowing. I think it's great that people are so loving to ask. The way I react is often because I feel like I moved on from that ages ago and I don't realize it was just last week that I asked for prayer on this matter.

I am going to work very hard in remembering I simply cannot convey all that is going on in my Life, in my head and in my heart to Everyone. I can only relay it to just One - The One. And I would respectfully ask that you keep this in mind when interacting with me as I may tend to continue to react with surprise when asked a question I have long since answered and placed aside to deal with a new round of struggles. I have many you know and I'm in Go-G0-Go Mode ;) .

I am not the person I was as a child. I am not the person I was in high school. I am not the girl from the party scene. I am not the girl you went to visit in the hospital. I am not the girl who decided to live last year. I am not even the woman who fell in Love with the Son of God. I am new every morning because of God in me. He is pushing me to grow faster than I like, but I will Follow Him ANYwhere because He Is My Savior. He is my Hero. He is my Love. He never gave up on me and I want to follow Him for the Rest of My Days and Beyond.

Thank you my Lord.

Thank you my friends.

And have a Good, God Day.

<3

Random Thinking Session

I am constantly convicted of my lack of empathy for others. This is one of the hardest things for me to have pointed out by God, since it’s one of the things that frustrates me most about this world and our society. The lack of empathy we have for others; the inability to see from another person’s point of view or put yourself in their shoes frustrates me more than almost any other fault. And I do it. All the time. Bollucks. Why can’t we be perfect as soon as we become Christians again? No matter. So this particular #ShowerThinkingSession I was again thinking about the differences between men and women and that led to all sorts of unique aspects between individuals, regardless of gender, and why we are the way we are. Yes, this is my mind through every waking, and many sleeping moments. Course it goes about 100xs faster than this and bounces back and forth from subject to subject like a game of #HotPotato. But I digress.

We all have a tendency to want to be shown Love the way we understand it - which is typically the way we show it ourselves aka. #LoveLanguages (there are a whole bunch of books on this subject if this is not something you’ve heard of before). But it goes further than those 5 Love Languages we’re always talking about. As women, we have a tendency to think we aren’t loved by men if they don’t say “I Love you” as much as we’d like. If they don’t notice our new haircut or if we lost weight. We get upset when they used a coupon for a special night out or they bragged that our birthday gift was on sale. Those things don’t scream Love to us. They scream practicality which is the opposite of Love to many women.

But men aren’t women. They are men and I’m finally realizing that this often makes them different in ways I’ve never understood before. Being practical or logical or unobservant doesn’t mean they don’t love us - it just makes them men. I agree with the comedians who say women often describe their ideal mate as a woman - even when attracted to the male species, because we lack empathy to understand that their minds simply don’t work the same way as ours.

1:01:30 - 1:03:50

Course, men have this same misunderstanding themselves. Guys - you tend to dismiss an issue if it doesn’t make sense to you. I often see a superiority complex in men when they look at a problem and then decide if it’s worth their time to help, depending on how important it would be to Them. And if it’s not a problem in their eyes after a good bit of logical programming from their brains, then obviously it shouldn’t be to anyone else. And they will typically only change their minds if you can provide sound reasoning of Why it is indeed, an actual problem. Yeah - I’m sure the women are all feeling as exasperated as me at this point.

But, in the ends, it’s just a different hard-wiring system each of our sexes have. Men are logical and women are emotional. Neither is wrong and in trying to force someone to handle the world the same we do isn’t right and can lead to unhealthy results. We fit together with these two very different views of the world and life. But when we refuse to see how we are different in this regard, we are more like magnets that repel each other. Understanding the differences between our genders and, really, empathy in general - is what can often flip the magnets around to draw two people together. Opposites Attract is a very true idiom in this sense.

And I'm not even saying necessarily towards marriage or even between a man and woman. Love is Love. And as God is Love - you have Him and you can learn to Love anyone the way He loves us. We just tend to twist things as human beings. But One Day we will Love as He does. And in the New World, there will be no marriage because that is simply a restriction placed on us due to our Total Inability to Love each other in a 100% Completely Pure and Godly way. One day we will not have that restriction and we will not need it. We will #Love as God does. I’m looking forward to this more than even being Free from Pain. #One Day <3

A Ramble on Beauty

For those women who #Jiggle like normal human beings tend to do. No one's body is perfect. I have more stretch marks than the average mom with 2-3 kids due to my inconsistent, rapid weight gain and loss through the years. I like to think of the ones on my belly as pretty though. When they first came, they were bright red streaks that looked like a fire tattoo racing up my body. I called it my fire belly. Now it's more like lightening since the streaks have turned to white :) .

Wear and tear on our bodies through the years - it can be good and bad. But no matter if you have stretch marks, crow's feat aka. laugh-lines :D , a permanent furrow etched between your brows, or scars criss-crossing your wrists - they're all reminders of the life you've led. And that's a sample of some of the wear&tear on my own body btw. Of course, the happy reminders are easier to love, while the painful ones can be more difficult to be thankful for. But it's still possible.

Someone recently told me how they were able to be grateful for their own scars and I fell in love with what they said. They said that when they looked at these permanent reminders, they let themselves remember; not of the experience behind them, but that they survived it. Since then, I have learned to appreciate and even occasionally #Love my own ever-present reminders of events long past. They are reminders, that no matter how #Rough #Life gets, #God is there. Even when I gave up on me - He never did.

And honestly, if there is a way to be thankful for the Incredibly Noticeable marks declaring me to the world as a suicide survivor, there must be a way to be thankful for love handles and muffin tops. There is probably a way to be grateful for that mole we hate or a random birth mark. Those tattoos that seemed really good at the time, but maaaaybe not so much any more - I have hope for as well. The cigarette burns or that mark that we will never tell a soul the history behind - I believe it's possible.

We all have something we don't like about ourselves, if not everything. It is not vanity to want to be pretty. But it's unhealthy to not see that you already are #Beautiful. If you can't see that through your own eyes, then look at yourself through God's Eyes. If you still can't see how Gorgeous you are to Him, than the problem is not your appearance. No - the problem then lies much deeper than that.

I had to find this out the hard way. And for those who have only just met me, or seen only recent profile pics - scroll back further. Only now am I beginning to accept my new body image. I would be much happier with my 100+pounds back most days. And that's the truth. I never lost all that weight for looks. I did it in following God each and every day. I learned Long Ago that society's idea of good looks are Not what make a person happy. And having your ideal body weight won't necessarily give you confidence. In my experience - a "hott body" comes with a great deal of self-loathing and bitter hatred for myself. And it has been God, with the help of some of my girlfriends, who has helped me work through this fear of looking attractive whatsoever. I would still rather hide in a potato sack when I'm in public or around any men.

But God did that sneaky thing where I followed Him before I realized what He was up to. I started working out because it took the edge off the pain. I continued to work out when I realized I could get my independence back that I lost with my car. Over time it has given me the strength to manage the pain and to find joy in things I haven't been able to do in years - like softball, climbing trees, jumping up on counters, balance(in general), run(at all), etc. Although, truth is, these things I also didn't do for many other reasons: lack of confidence(Big One), lack of strength(cause even when I was this weight in the past - I had no muscle to work with), lack of wanting to live(ok - probs the Biggest One), etc, etc, etc...

The results of these work outs has effected my image greatly and honestly, I'm rarely grateful. When I was 200+pounds - I didn't get noticed when I didn't want to be. I didn't get venomous looks from other women. I didn't get backhanded compliments from them either. Neither did I get unwanted and cringe-worthy "compliments" from strange men that sent me into panic attacks or woke me up with nightmares from the flashbacks associated with those types of encounters. All these and more I get regularly now. 

But even though I'm absolutely terrified to look even remotely like a girl these days, I trust God with this fear. I look to Him and try my best not to look away when I go in public wearing anything remotely pretty. You ladies who struggle with your body image may think I'm not being truly empathetic. And I don't know if this will help but

This is me. And while I won't lie and say my life was super great then. Neither was I as upset about my body as others seemed to think I should be. And while I enjoy the weight I am a Lot more than I did that one - as that was an uncomfortable weight for me in that it was actually painful. Everything always hurt and there wasn't much I could do physically. However - I was much more comfortable going out in public than I am now. Among strangers or friends, this weight is a lot more nerve-wracking than that one was.

A lot of people think I don't empathize real well with body-image struggles because I look semi-normal now. No - that's wrong. I have a hard time listening to people complain about their body image when I have been up to 300 pounds and down to 100. Then up and back down again. And again. And all in between. I have a hard time listening to complaints from people who struggle with issues that seem so trivial compared to those of my friends as well as myself who are marked with permanent disfigurements that set us apart as different, in a bad way. And honestly - this is wrong of me.

I have been convicted by this pretty hard. Having hatred for your body image is NOT a trivial matter. Whether you have scars or not. Everyone has reasons for why they loathe themselves and the Pain that results is Devastating - no matter whether your reason is the same as mine. I will be keeping each and every woman in my heart who struggles with their body image - which is pretty much all of us. And I ask you to keep me in yours as well. We are Beautiful - all of us. And we need to not only remember this - but remind each other. For - I have no doubt - we each need to be reminded. And often.

God created us, men and women. It's not a sin to see ourselves as Beautiful. Our bodies are Temples for the Spirit of God, Himself! And from the sermon series we are currently in the middle of - the original Temple was Pretty Friggin #Ornate.

1Kings: A Tale of Power & Peril

If you are like me in that you do not know how to treat your body like a Temple, start by thanking God. For what? For anything you can think of. And over time you will be able to thank Him...for Everything. Even for things you could never be thankful for without Him. But of course, why would we ever want to separate ourselves from God? Even in the smallest areas of our lives? He is the Answer to Everything. From the most trivial or mundane questions of each and every day to the questions that unlock the Mysteries of the Universe.

42

Heeheeehee

Yeah - it's late. I need to head to bed before I start sleepy texting.

Trusting is Hard: The Sequel

I've been thinking about the issue of pride a lot lately. It's often said that this is the root sin of humanity. That, were you to follow every indiscretion and difficulty a person has with others, themselves and ultimately - God; if you were to follow these to the very source of the issue - you would find that it always comes back to pride. Pride in ourselves. Pride that we know better than God in every issue. Pride because we want control of our own lives and are not willing to give God control because we can do it so much better. I think this is pretty valid reasoning. But I also disagree. I think this reasoning is incredibly close to it's mark, but slightly off-course. I do not think the root issue of problems in this world is pride. I believe it is lack of Trust in God.

I know. I know. I already hear the arguments. It is because of our pride that we fail to trust God with our problems. But see - that is where I disagree. I think we have this backwards. We have pride because we do not Trust God. That may sound redundant, but it's not. It's actually a Big Difference. The Root Issue of ourselves and the world; our root sin - is a Lack of Trust. And this then results itself in a variety of ways - including pride, but not reserved solely to this transgression. Although I believe our inability to trust God often leads to pride, so often that pride has gotten mistaken for this deeper issue; I do not believe this is the only reason we have problems with trusting our Lord and Savior. There are a variety of results and reasons for mistrust. And they are cyclical - they feed each other.

The one that first came to mind and consequently has had me thinking about this so much lately is - Fear. I would say that I have pride like any other, but after a lot of introspection, my inability to trust God or others, rarely stems from pride. It is a result of my Overwhelming Fear. Fear of what they will think of me if they knew how fucked up I am? Fear of how they will respond. Fear of rejection. Fear of abandonment. Fear of being hurt. Fear of living in a world all alone. And for most of my life I placed God in the same box as everybody else in my life. I was just as scared too ask Him for help as I am still scared to ask others to this day.

Asking for help is not easy for me. And it's almost never because of pride. It took me a while to figure that out, because I knew it was a lack of trust that led to my inability to ask for something as simple as a ride, advice, or even a glass of water. When things get rough, the more susceptible I am to fearing others. This leads to asking questions I would probably know the answer to otherwise. When I am confidant in God-in-me I can walk into a friends' house like I own the place and I have :) .

When my day has been rough, when the pain has hit me hard - I will likely ask if I can use the bathroom and brace myself as if I was about to be hit as I do so. I know the reasons for these fears and I won't be explaining them in this blog post. But please understand that asking for help is not easy for everyone and your response can make or break a person's day, if not their life. I have learned to Trust God and I no longer fear Him as I once did. But I still fear you all. I fear those I love most. On a good day it's getting easier to get past this fear and trust others. And only thanks to my Trust in God. On a bad day - it was once impossible. God was the only One I would allow near me; the only One I would allow to help me. And this was good - as I needed to trust Him more than any other. And I do.

But now He wants me to learn to trust others. Not that He won't be there through every moment of every day, holding my hand; carrying me through the pain and beaming at me with every laugh that erupts. But we were never meant to live in this world as hermits. I've been convicted about my unwillingness to trust others and I have worked towards this ever since then. It has taken time - for I do not have very many reasons to trust others. Not compared to how many reasons I have to distrust them. I would appreciate you keeping this in mind in your interactions with me, as well as others.

As Christians - we are all different and yet we are all the same. We are all unique and we are all sinners being remade by the One Who knows us best. Some of us struggle with pride, some of us struggle with fear; we all struggle with an inability to Trust God. It is good to remember that we are all the same deep down, but the way our individual issues manifest themselves and why - can be extremely different. I often forget this and treat others the way I would want to be treated. But while the Golden Rule is a nice sentiment, it can get you in heckuv-a-lot of trouble if applied improperly. Believe me - I've learned this the hard way.

And above all, remember - there is no one currently in this world you can trust 100% in every situation. That doesn't mean you don't love them. An inability to trust someone completely with "life, love and the pursuit of happiness" does Not mean they are not very near and dear to your heart. It also does not mean you cannot trust them with a great many things. But we are ALL human. We are ALL sinners. And we are ALL going to screw shit up regularly. The only Being you should trust 100% with your well-being...is God. And if you are trusting anyone or anything more than Him, then life will get harder than it needs to be - if not Completely Impossible.

So - to wrap up. I've found it's important to:

Trust God above all others First.

Trust God-in-me as well.

Trust others carefully - while understanding they will fail many times in this regard and that's Alright.

And Love. Love is the Key to learning how to Trust.
P.s. God is Love.

Over & Out

Shalom

Peace out Homedawgs

Avec Amore Mon-Amis

Ttyl

Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera

Man Vs. Woman

So - I haven't said a whole lot on the man versus woman subject. Although it is one that has always intrigued me. I've discussed it with others on many occasions and I have thought about it even more often. I was taking a shower and had a thought(because thoughts are best had in the shower of course). One of the reasons men and women are so different. Their minds I mean. They're bodies are a whole subject I care not to discuss at the moment. The uniqueness of minds is also a passion of mine and although I always knew there was a big difference between a male mind and that of a female, I am continuously confounded with new information. It actually wasn't till this year that I truly understand an average male can thing about absolutely nothing. Or nothing of importance. Weird.

"The Nothing Box"

~Mark Gungor~

Hahaha. 8:51 was particularly helpful for me as it's the differences between how guys and girls handle stress. Much different than how women do. And honestly - I still don't get how thinking about nothing solves anything. But that's the point. We are two different creations. Adam was created in the image of God. God looked at him and although I don't agree that Adam was a "rough draft" :) . I do think I see why God said Adam needed a helper. Men are smart, amazing creations. They're also oblivious and probably wouldn't be introspective if women were not created to force them to be. Men and women have unique strengths and weaknesses. Which makes sense to me. God couldn't have fit his image in just one type of person. So He made two likenesses of Himself. Adam was made in the image of God and Eve from Adam's rib. God took His own work, broke it and formed a Beautiful piece of art that can make or break an entire country. For while man may be the head of a family, an organization, a church - woman is the neck and she has the ability to turn the head whatever way she chooses.

We are the helpers of men because they Need us. And I also think they are in charge because without them having veto power, we would get in a lot more trouble with the enormous amount of power we wield as women. They are our accountability. Men are not smarter, they are not wiser, they are not better than us women. However, they do tend to be the simpler, more logical half of the human race. They would probably die out without us. But if we, women were the leaders of society, we probably would have had several more world wars or an apocalypse by now...over a pair of shoes ;) .

We are different. Men and women. And that's alright. We may not often understand each other, but we do need one another. I love my men - as much as I also scream over how Infuriating they can be and seriously? Nothing? How the heck do you think about absolutely Nothing?!

:D

Life, Love & The Pursuit of Him

Or should I say - His pursuit of me?

"Because He Lives"

~Matt Maher

*Adapted for myself

I believe in the Son.

I've always believed in the Risen One.

I believe I am overcome *grimace*

By the power of His Blood.

Amen. Amen?

I still live. Fuck - I only live...Because He lives
Amen...Amen.
PLEASE - let my song join the one that never ends.
Because He LIVES.

I was dead in the grave.

I was covered in sin and shame.
I heard Mercy...call my name?
He rolled the stone away...

Amen...Amen?!

I’m alive! I’m Alive!

Because He Lives *trembling*

Amen! AMEN!
Let my song join the one that Never ends!
Because He LIVES!!

I can now face tomorrow -

Because He Lives!
Life is Worth the #Pain - 
When I know He holds my life, my future in His Hands!!

Amen!! Amen!!

I’m Alive! I’m ALIVE!!
Because He Lives :')
Amen!! Amen!!!
Let my song join the one that never ends!!!!

Amen <3 Amen

I'm Glad I'm Alive -
Because He LIVES
Amen <3 Amen

Let my song join the One that never ends <3

Because He LIVES
Because He #LOVES

I have hated myself for So Long now. I don't even remember a time when I thought I was worth Anything. I don't remember the last time I went a day without feeling Complete Shame & Guilt. Our pastor spoke about that this morn. The title to this sermon was "I see you" and he discussed the different responses people have to that idea. Some people like to be seen - others want to hide. I have been in hiding for a very long time because of my pain. Because I don't want people to see my #Brokenness.

Those who know me - they assume I'm talking about my "history". No. I would say any sin I've committed holds not even a flicker of shame to the overwhelming hatred I have for the parts about me God #LOVES. The parts God Created. My friend once told me I have a #TenderHeart. I flinched visibly when she said that. Even now I found myself cringing as I typed that phrase. I have hated myself for So Long. I was the "sensitive" one. The one that cried over "ridiculous" things. The "dramatic" one. The girl who "just wants attention".

Yes - I did want attention. I wanted people to see ME. To see who I was and still love me. Instead I got ridicule. I was teased mercilessly for Caring. I got "jokes" about who I was. And over time, I learned to laugh instead of cry. I learned to make fun of who God made me to be. I would rather have the love of others than the love of my Creator(typical human attitude). And people proved that they couldn't love who God had created me to be. So - I learned to Hate God-in-me.

I've been a Christian since I was about 2 years old. I remember the day I prayed for Christ to dwell in my heart. Sitting on my parents four poster bed with Momma and Luya. It made sense, I didn't think twice before accepting that Jesus died for my sins. From that moment on Christ started shining forth in me, but when I started running from who I was. Who He was In me. I essentially started running from Him.

And of course - He had to go and follow me! No matter how far I ran. No matter where I ended up. God kept dragging me back! Seeing Him only reminded me of who I had come to believe I was. #Worthless. And so I reminded Him why I was worthless. Over and over I showed Him why I wasn't worth loving. Over and over I gave Him more reasons to give up on me. Over and over I pushed Him away - metaphorically screaming at Him to leave! Actions speak louder than words - and I made sure He, and everybody else in my life, knew that I was just as unlovable and worthless as I have always believed. But while it is easy to show others how Worthless I am. And it is even easier to show myself. I never convinced God of that.

But I kept trying. And when that didn't work - I tried to give up. I tried to end it. Several times. He wouldn't even let me do that. He Fought for me. He fought for more than my life. He fought for my love. Oh bother. And loving Him - it means loving who He is In Me. And that - that I couldn't do. People couldn't love who I was as a youth and adding my history since then - No. No, there simply CanNOT be ANYthing Loveable about me. Anything that once was, I learned to erase. I gave up my loves. I gave up my passions. I gave up hope. I gave up God. But He STILL didn't give up on me.

Man - this Dude's the Epitome of Stubborn! Twenty-eight years we've duked it out - Him and me. I'm pretty stubborn myself. And I have a tendency to need to do things MY way. Whiiiich typically means learning the hard way :) . But - luckily I have more curiosity than even a cat. And you know what they say: "Curiosity killed the cat. And satisfaction brought it back!" My curiosity for #Truth. My yearning to always know "Why?" That's how God lured me to Him. God is "Sneaky Sneaky, Sir." Don't underestimate the sneakiness :) .

And Definitely don't underestimate God. I mean - hello. He's GOD. When He wants something - He'll get it. And He told me years ago that He wanted me. I didn't understand why or how and so I rejected Him. But my life, the life of every Christian, the life of Christ - are testimonies of God's Love for us! He Loved me enough to die for me and I mentioned that in Sunday School today. What I think about Christ dying for me. Let me see if I can say this again. P.s. This is called a tangent - and I love those!

Some people think that because Jesus is man AND God - dying on the cross was perhaps easier for Him than the average man. I disagree. I don't think God is some average comic book superhero with extra strength, endurance and pain resistance. Jesus was human, which meant he felt every scratch, every crack of the whip, every barb piercing his skin. He also felt the pain of every person who spit on Him, who laughed at Him, who scoffed and mocked Him. And because He is God - Christ knew one of His bffs was going to flat out Bail! To save his own skin! Christ knew that Peter was going to deny Him(3Xs), when He was doing this For Peter. For us.

Do we really get that? I mean think about it. Your best friend - would they take the blame if you broke a window with a baseball by accident? What about if you broke it on purpose? What if it was the window of someone from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre's house? What if your friend was dragged inside and tortured because of Your baseball? And what if you were given the opportunity to trade places. Would you? What if your friend was given the opportunity to rat you out, knowing what would happen to him if he didn't. Would he? I think that picture is more realistic.

Christ took the blame, took the torture, for every baseball we have broken a window with, by accident or on purpose. And we stood there and watched. We stood there and pretended we didn't know Him. We stood there and Scoffed at Him as He was being tortured for US. And He didn't hate us for it. No, He took the pain out of Love for us. He took the agony meant for us. And He went through it Alone. Not even God could look at Him as He took our blame. God had to turn His face away as Christ endured the Cruelest of tortures and our miserable Mocking laughter. You may think you would never laugh in His face, but you have. I have. Every time we sin, every time we run away from Him, every time we try to separate ourselves from Him, every time we fail to #Trust Him - we are essentially saying: I got this. I don't need You to save me...when He already did.

People say that life's not like some big movie. Screw those people. Life is Totally like the movies. And my #Life would win an award at the Grammy's as a Top #Romance. The girl who loved all the bad boys, while running away from the only Man who could ever truly LOVE her. God followed me. The Holy Spirit wooed me. Christ saved me. My life is the Ultimate cliche romantic drama(emphasis on the #Drama). I mean, He friggin proposed to me and tattooed an engagement ring on my heart where I could never take it off. And even though I resented Him for that for years(total cliche romance). This day I am Finally SO #PROUD to be able to say that I Love Him. That I accept that He LOVES me. That I learning #Why He does. That the #Truth is that there are parts of me #Worth Loving. I am Valuable...because He is.

It will always hurt when people I love don't love me for Who God is in me, but it will never again be able to drive me over the #CliffsOfInsanity. Because Jesus is my Wesley. And it may be #Inconceivable, but He has "Good Arms". I am His #Bride. A princess even ;) . And I know that He will always come for me. He will always Love me - and that's More than enough. That's #Everything. Not a day goes by now that I don't cry with joy at the proof of His Love in my life. Not an hour goes by that I don't talk to Him. What can I say? He's my Guy and although I still fight with Him, and often - I Never want to be parted from Him again. He's the One Man I can say that I Cannot LIVE Without - because it's True. I will always Need Him and that's a Good thing. That's a GOD thing.

But let me remind you. Life may be a movie and it may have a #HappyEnding, but I'm not there yet. I'm still in the middle of my #FairyTale. Christ may have rescued me from the tower, and I may have stopped trying to hit him over the head with a frying pan for it, but that doesn't mean the dragon is beaten. That doesn't mean we've crossed the lava pit, or gone through the fire swamp. I don't really want to get burned or fall into yet another sand trap. And yes, I'm terrified of battling the ROUS. This world is No #Eden. Not yet. This world is not my #Home...Yet.

But it will be. Life is one Big #Wedding Preparation - with all the anxiety that comes with one of those massive affairs(anxiety times a thousand squared). But in the end...it will be worth it. To look down the aisle and walk towards the Man I Love. To know that He sees who I will become even now. That He is the one making my #WeddingDress because He is the one making me #Pure once again. I cannot tell you how much I long to wear that dress. To walk towards the Man who LOVES me. The Man who Saved me. The Man who knows my deepest darkest secrets, who has seen ALL my #Crazy, and is still willing to claim me as His Bride. Oh Fudge. There I go - grinning like an idiot again and getting all goosepimply.

I Love You, my God. You are my God. And I will Ever Praise You. I will seek You in the morning. I will learn to walk in Your ways. And step by step You'll lead me. And I will follow you all of my days.

P.s. I will NEVER be OK with the idea of cutting someone out of your life simply because they hurt you. People verbally beat me daily. Every one of you has. I even have physical scars to prove it. If I surrounded myself with people who loved me perfectly - I would be surrounded by no one. And for those who look at this post and feel pain at my words. Know that I forgave you a long time ago. I forgive you Every time you hurt me. And I know I give pain as well as receive it. But this post is not about you. This post is not even about me. This post and my life story - is about God. Everything comes back to God. And guess what - the reason it's so easy to forgive you every time you hurt me - the reason I find it So Easy to Love each and every one of you despite the pain it often brings me? It's because I see God-in-you. He's So Beautiful. Looking at the people I love most - I've learned to not dwell on the pain. I look for the Unique Beauty God brings out in each of you. How many conversations have I had that are far better than even the sunrise itself? I look at you and I don't see you - I see So Much More. I see a rainbow, with the most beautiful colors that bring tears to my eyes. I see a waterfall that falls into a crystal clear lake. I see an exotic flower, unknown to this world. A star sparkling in the midnight of the sky. A city that twinkles like gems as seen from far above. I see each of you through God's eyes and because of that, I will never stop loving you ALL. Which is probs a good thing - since we're going to be spending much longer than a lifetime together ;)

Sincerely,

Me