Fear

I've never had the courage to attempt to explain the depths of my madness. Even if you really could keep up and follow my crazy down the rabbit hole to Insanity of my Broken Mind - you wouldn't understand it. It wouldn't compute. So why even bother? In the end - you will just look at me with either pity or worse with brazen disbelief. You would look around the garden and not understand that the flowers can talk. You wouldn't see the caterpillar smoking his hookah. You would maybe see the Queen, but never the cat or his smile. You see what you want to see and you ignore what you can't possible understand. Or simply chalk it up to an over-dramatic girl who just needs to suck it up. And despite all this - I'm going to attempt to explain something. Not even for you, but for me. I'm going to attempt to understand the inner workings of one of the aspects that scares me the most and perhaps maybe some will also benefit from this Ramble. For one of my Greatest Fears...is Fear.

Oooooh. Yeah - Real Deep. I can see your eyes rolling. Shush now.

Everyone has fears. Everyone gets scared. This is nothing new. This is apart of Life. People deal with it and move on. But the ways people handle the fears varies from person to person. Remember - Everyone is Unique. We might all be the Same in that we are Each Equally Fucked UP. But we also each get to fuck up uniquely. Fun Times that is. Yeah - sarcasm. Anyhoot. So I get scared - just like everyone else. I handle it too - in my own unique way. Except that way is not and never has been acceptable.

I call her Icebitch. Yeah - you're about to hear some shit that makes me SO Incredibly Vulnerable I'm already shaking at the thought of putting it out there. She is NOT another personality - let me make that VERY CLEAR. IceBitch is a persona I subconsciously created to protect me when I get scared. She is my anger, my sexuality, my independence, and ultimately my Confidence. She is made up of all these different aspects of my personality that already existed...but taken to extremes. And she stands between me and the vulnerable parts of who I am. When she comes to the forefront, my sensitivity - my "tender heart" - it disappears. When I let her take over - anything that could hurt me, even if it's apart of me - it gets pushed back into the deepest recesses of my soul.

When she takes over, I think rainbows are Dumb. The color pink is Stupid. Flowers are for pussies. Singing a silly song or making goofy faces are what babies do. Water I just stay clear of altogether. Why? Because it can easily get me to FEEL. IceBitch does NOT Do Feelings. Not just feelings of sadness and hurt. She doesn't do Happy. She doesn't even do LOVE. Come on Charlie Brown. Isn't it obvious? Haven't I said this all before, in different ways? Love, Happiness, any positive feeling can be used to hurt you in a Variety of Excruciatingly Painful Ways. People build walls for just this reason.

Feelings are like every super heroes gal. They are a weakness that villains can exploit to bring you down. But this is not Completely true. For not all people who exploit that which you love are villains and Vulnerabilities are also not a weakness. Like a woman who is physically weak - that doesn't make her a weakness. There is a difference. Some vulnerabilities are strengths in their own right through what they give that makes them worth it. Here's an example: Forgiveness.

I know I know. Hold your britches on. I'm thinking. So - Forgiveness is often Extremely Difficult. It can takes weeks, years, a lifetime or Never to forgive someone. Me? Maybe once. But I couldn't tell you when. People don't even know. I realized just this week why so many people think I tend to "overreact". People see a level of emotions, be it anger or hurt and then it's gone in the span of a couple hours or maybe a day tops. I've realized that people chalk this up to having calmed down and seen how silly I was. No. Oh God how wrong you would be.

You poor silly fool. That you should know me and think that of me. I am astonished at your naivety. When you hurt me - when you mentally beat me with your words, actions, deeds - do you really think it doesn't hurt and my yowl of pain is just for show? Seriously? Oh darling. You have much to learn. Every time you cut me with your cruelty I feel it. Every "joke". Every inept phrasing of a ridiculous thought. Every unkind word strikes me harder than any physical blow I have ever incurred - of which there have been many. It hurts. You HURT me. Perhaps even scarred me. And I'm not saying this to make you feel bad. No - that's no the point either you dunder-headed fop. Listen!

You may Beat me Black and Blue with your Words. You may Hurt me and even Scar me - but I forgive you EVERY Time. I forgive you without an apology. I forgive you without the words. I forgive so often - it has become second nature. And for a while - it made me a doormat. Because not telling people they hurt you. Forgiving people without consequences each and EVERY Time - this teaches nothing. They continue to Brazenly walk about this world inflicting Pain on others because I was too much of a Coward to tell them they were cruel. That right there is actually still a work in progress in my heart.

But Forgiveness - this is a strength of mine that I actually like. I don't often particularly enjoy my tender heart or many of my passions. They are more weaknesses than strengths in my eyes. Although - I am learning to see them differently. This Forgiveness thing though - this is a Strength I am So Very Thankful for. Without this - I would be a hermit in Antarctica, since God never deigned to let any of my suicide attempts succeed. It is what keeps me sane, when the Pain is Great. The ability to empathize, to understand why people are the way they are. To not see just the Pain from the wound they inflicted, but why they inflicted it. And very rarely has it been on purpose. Honestly - most wounds are from people who feel the best defense is a good offense. They have their own walls and I see this clearly. It helps ease the Pain - Every. Single. Time. The Understanding that they are hurting too. They just aren't in a place to show it. Not yet.

So that Massive Tangent has exemplified the Strength that can be found in a weakness. Oh - and forgiveness can Definitely be a Vulnerability. Don't be so simple as to think otherwise. Just go watch an action movie to see how. But that doesn't mean it is a Weakness. Two different things. Which is exactly what I was getting at earlier. Weaknesses versus Vulnerabilities. And to IceBitch - all Vulnerabilities are Weaknesses. She is a Villain in her own right. She was formed to protect me. But in the end - all she brought was Chaos and Destruction to my life. The Ultimate Cliche Story of Evil.

When IceBitch takes over - gone are ALL my fears. My Confidence rushes in with a Force that's Undeniable. I am Completely Invincible for I Just don't give a Fuck. I do what I want. I get what I want. And if you stand in my way - you will Regret it. Have no doubt. For IceBitch does not have my empathy. She does not have my care or love for others. She does not care for happiness or laughter. She cares for control. She cares for power. She cares for whatever it takes to keep me safe from Fear.

And when I have given her the reigns to my life. Well - those are not stories I care to share. If you really want to know - I'm sure you could find them in any cliche rated-x teen drama where the girl ends up incarcerated, hospitalized or dead at the end of it. I hate those movies. I'd rather escape the realities of my Life than relive them, thanks. But that's the thing. You don't get to have experiences like mine without memories. No matter how good I've gotten at blocking most of them. They seep through. They come out in the shittiest of times. I wake up in a cold sweat, heart pounding - unknowing of why NOT Wanting to know why.

And that's what happened this morning. I woke up. I was scared shitless. I didn't know why and I did. NOT. Want. To. I just wanted out. I wanted to run - far far away. My mind didn't care that's impossible to physically escape an emotion - so I did. I got my running gear on as fast as I could and I ran. Scared, shaking, heart pounding, legs weak and often failing - I ran until I could run no more, then I walked and then I ran some more. It didn't work. I stopped at one point. I knew I had to feel. I didn't want to. I sat down and let a couple tears fall and decided it was time to head home and try to face my fear.

But by the time I got home, I had forgotten how to cry. It may sound silly to you and if you are a fool you will undoubtedly not believe me - but letting myself cry is one of the hardest parts of my therapy. I would rather slam my fist into a brick wall then cry - and I have - many times. And although I took a hot shower and finally let my legs give out on my completely - I couldn't figure out how to do it. I just lay there - at the bottom of the tub, staring blindly at nothing - waging a silent battle within. My body does not fail to listen to me - but my mind - that shit does what it wants. And it did NOT want to feel. It did not want to FEAR. And I didn't know how to make it.

I have used IceBitch to guard me for so long - I don't even remember fear well. When it comes up - I've had a hard enough time struggling with not letting her take over. That battle has been won, but lately I've been trying to figure out how to let myself be scared. How do I feel Fear? I honestly don't have an answer yet. I've only been preventing it. That or the classic Fight or Flight kicks in. But Feeling Fear? It baffles me. I'm just too much of a Coward. I shy away from any Fear that involves Mental Pain.

No - the threat of Physical Pain is not a Valid Fear in my Mind. The thought of being hurt that way does not scare me. Jumping off cliffs, black-diamond skiing, playing chicken or bar fights - these are adrenaline rushes. They are more helpful in easing my Mental Pain and therefore they have been Greatly Encouraged by IceBitch in the past. But - the thought of abandonment, rejection, failing, screwing up yet again, hurting another - all these and more are what I Fear. And these Fears are not only valid, but I have experienced at Excruciating Levels in the Most Torturous of Ways. Hence - IceBitch.

But she is gone and I am defenseless. Yeah - come on now. Keep up with the rabbit. This is Wonderland and that was a Total Lie. I have God you silly beaver. And He is teaching me how to Fear properly. It's not been easy, since His Way is always Hella Harder than all the Unhealthy ways. His Way always is. If anyone tells you being a Christian is easy - the Devil is speaking through them. Do not listen to that bullshit. Following God is Fucking HARD. It's also Worth It. Even with the Pain. Even with the Fear. It's SO Totally WORTH IT.

There's no way I could adequately explain how. Because it's not about happiness. It's not about contentment or joy. It's not about comfort and temporal security or safety. It's not about anything on this World's Plane. It's about SO Much More. The Worth and Purpose I have found are Eternal. They are beyond. They make life worth living. They transform the Broken into Beauty. He Heals and He LOVES. My God is repairing my shattered soul. He's molding me into a person I am proud to be. He is changing my life into one I am Grateful for. I do nothing of these Great Works. He did it ALL. His Is EVERYthing to me. And without Him - I would be NOTHING.

Thank You my Lord. Thank You my Yahweh. I pray to Always Remember what You have done for me. To NEVER take it for Granted. To Pray to YOU and NO one but YOU all the days of my Life. To LIVE for YOU and NO one and Nothing else. Nothing so fleeting as is only in this world. I ask this God. I ask for Your Strength as I follow You on this Pilgrim's Progress. I ask for YOUR Armor against my Fear. And I ask for Your Help when I fail, as I do - every moment of my life.

One Day I will make it to the End of this Journey. I will get to spend Eternity at HOME. Until then - I want to see through Your Eyes to see what I cannot. I want to see the Vision YOU have of this world and Your People. I want to Love as You do. I am not Worth Shit without You, my God - but with You - I am Priceless. Thank You. Thank You for Your Promise to NEVER Let me Go. It means more than even I know.

With all my Imperfect Love

A Ramble on Grossness & Bullies

If you are an Elite of Polite Society or if things gross you out easily - please steer clear of this odd rambling post...

I was thinking, I know it's a dangerous habit of mine -- and about gross things too nonetheless! Certainly not a topic for a lady to dwell on, much less talk or write about! And I'm about to do so - Oh My!!! That's alright - I've long since learned to ditch the stress and pain that comes from trying to fit in some Christian, societal mold that God was SO Not on Board with. So - Presenting a Woman of God's thoughts on Grossness:

We all have things that gross us out, and in general bodily functions gross most people out all around. At least, they'll say that. I'll be Real with you - I think earwax is Way Cool. Like, enthralling. As is pimple-popping. Yeah - I can hear the ews. I don't care. There's nothing immoral about liking earwax dude. It's not like I set up a shrine and worship it. So calm your tits.

But I don't think all gross things are cool. Vomit, blood, feces, urine - these are all preeeetty gross in my eyes. They're also not gag worthy to me either. Honestly, I've just helped so many drunk friends that it just isn't able to phase me anymore. I think Mommas are the same in this accord(substitute drunk friend for child obvs ;) ).

The one bodily function that is hurl-worthy in my eyes - is phlegm. The very thought makes me gag. Every winter I get a cold that has this as a by-product and I'm perpetually struggling with nausea. I have actually thrown up from not being able to spit it out. Also why I started carrying handkerchiefs and sleep with a plastic trashcan by my bed.

We all do gross things. For some reason it's a taboo subject. Don't ask me why - it's not Biblical so I certainly thinks it's a crock of Baloney. I actually encourage my friends to cut-the-cheese in front of me. Why? Because that means they're comfortable enough with me to do so. If food doesn't agree with you - you're gonna have an issue with gas. Please don't ever think that I will call you Gross for it.

Calling someone Gross, or suggesting it in anyway should never be something people do without thought. It's not funny. And it can scar a person. I cringe every time I contract an illness because there's the ongoing joke of "You're sick? Ew! Don't get near me!" as if I concocted some evil plan to take over the world with the flu, starting with my friends. Dude - I'm already sick and miserable. For Fuck's Sake - don't rub it in.

And you don't know where different people are sensitive, particularly if you are so careless as to throw the word "Ew" around all will-nilly. I have a friend who is terrified of their own body odor. Showers constantly because they were "teased" about this. Dude - call it what it is. It's bullying. I don't care how "funny" you think it is, or the person your "teasing" seems to think it is. It's not kind and certainly not moral. I went a couple years with an inability to control my bowels in my twenties. It was Humiliating on a whole nother level. Thankfully that level of grossness is rarely teased on without it being blatantly bullying, but there are smaller issues.

How often do you shame someone for something they can't control? Or just as bad - you shame them for a choice they make - that God is ok with? Who are you to go against God?! Fool. People should be allowed to be Vegetarian without being Bullied. They should be allowed to not eat Gluten - or Eat Gluten. As a Christian you shouldn't be teasing people for they choices on things that God doesn't have an opinion on.

Or maybe you think he does in the diet area. Let's try something else - fashion. Some people do think God has an opinion on this, but lemme ask you - do you really think He cares that someone is wearing camo in church? Or does He care that they came? Are you really so blind that you think that He is so shallow to care  if a boy has long hair or wears hott pink? Do you think God cares more that about whether someone wardrobe matches? Or whether their actions and words match their beliefs? Please try to understand that "funny" quips on someone's fashion sense is unkind and immoral. My personal sin in this area - is crocks. I have also done this with fanny packs, highwaters and capri pants. Yeah - the jokes are funny. But funny is not always moral. Often - it's the exact opposite.

And the Christian World is no different than the rest of the World in this, they've just already earned their way to Heaven by following God. They no longer need to worry about how cruel sarcasm is because it helps keep their little bubble world small and sin-free. Who knows who would come through the Church Doors if they started being Real?! If they thought about the ramifications of their words and actions through not only their own eyes but the eyes of others?! They might get smokers! Or people who curse! But oh dear - what if some flamboyant cross-dressers walked in the front door - where would the children go so they're not exposed to such outrageous sins?! Oh me Oh my - oh for Fuck's Sake. Grow Up. You are more dangerous to your children's sanity and sanctity than an Awesome lgbt person who is all about acceptance and love.

We make many choices that people will judge us for. Whether it's "teasing" or outright cruelty. I, myself - think cursing is fine, within certain parameters. And I admit that I struggle with looking down on others for not being able to be as Real as me. It's not easy and so I often think people are simply pussies for not daring to do something that scares me shitless. Same for physical pain - I struggle with rolling my eyes when someone shows me their cute little boo-boo that's half the size of the ones I acquire on a daily basis. We're all different. We all make different choices, have different strengths and weaknesses.

There's no reason to look down on another for being different, because we're also all the same. We're each fucked up sinners in need of God's Grace and Love. You may not agree with me in a lot of what I believe - but I pray that you will agree with me here. And if that is the case, I think we can respect each other's decisions enough to not be so unkind as to "tease" someone because they burped in public, eat food off the ground, are grammatically incorrect, wear crocks, drink caffeine at 10pm, etc. If you are truly concerned for a person's well being because of any of the above - talk to them, but don't crack jokes. I will no longer tolerate any such mean-spirited "jokes". I will call you out. It's not ok and it never was.

And yes - I know I'm the Ultimate Fuck Up. Don't tell me I'm pointing the finger at others to get it off my own heart. I have two fingers if you remember. And fyi - the one pointing at me is hella crueler than the one I point at others. But it rarely lets up on giving me a piece of it's mind. I don't actually get a break from conviction. It's a 24/7 roller coaster of "How did I screw up this time and what can I learn from it?" But that's enough negativity for now. And since I have this ridiculous passion for ending on a good note...

1:25 forward - her "Ugh Face" is Priceless :D

A Ramble on President Trump and the Generation Gap...Or is it?

My dad shared this article on the current political topic going around. I don't like politics. I like election years even less. I did vote. I did not vote for Trump. My reasons are larger than two horrible choices, and I won't go into them now. This writer has attempted to do something that many will turn their noses up at. Don't do that.

He attempted to bridge the generation gap. He attempted to explain why SO Many are FOR Trump. Including my beloved grandfather. I don't agree, but I have this thing for Empathy. This weird and Incredibly Rare thing to try and put myself in another person's shoes. It's not easy. You have to put all of your own beliefs asides while you do so. You have to transport yourself to see things from their perspective, leaving your own Completely. It's uncomfortable and Hard.

After an empathy exercise - you Of Course believe what you believe and see through your own lens of experiences again. But if you succeed in empathizing - you will be able to understand better why others are the way they are and believe how they believe. You won't be able to be unkind or unloving to someone when you've tried to imagine walking a mile in their shoes. And this is typically why people refuse to try. They want to hold onto their "Righteous Anger". They don't want to be kind or loving to someone as "Horrible" as Trump.

Seriously? Then stop reading. Because you are just as bad as him with his lewd and crude comments. I Most Definitely am. All of us are Shitty Excuses for God's orinigal work. We EACH have sin. So shut your pie hole with any "I'm better than him" Shit. If you don't understand that you're just as bad - you need to explore some major pride issues. Golly day - Pride really does baffle me. Like - I understand how people who don't believe in Christ could have it. But the fact that Christians - who have the Friggin Word of God as their guide could possible believe they are better than another for reasons SO Silly. Seriously?

The ONLY Reason your Worth Diddly SHIT is because Christ Chose YOU. Not the other way around. Golly Day. Without the Trinity coming after us for reasons I cannot for the LIFE of me Fathom - we would ALL be going to Hell. You're not better than Trump. You're not better than Hillary. You're not better than the girl showing off serious cleavage or the guy with a sleeve who chain-smokes. You're not better than those who curse. You're not better than those who watch porn - or Even Star in it! The McDonald's Employyee is your sinful Equal, even with your degree and you fancy knowledge from your privleged spot at a university.

If you still don't grasp that - you're unwilling to let God open your eyes to what sin is Blinding you too.

And I certainly cannot make you see what you are unwilling to see.

But if you want God to take your blinders off.

If you want to Understand.

I would suggest this Empathy thing I go on and on about.

Empathy is a Big Deal. One I've often hark on because it will expand your sight and understanding to encompass more than your eyes could Ever See on their own. If you don't want to - that's between you and God. But - reading this article - it was hard at times for me. My Grandparents' generation had Many Flaws that I do NOT want to encourage. It also had Many Strengths - Strengths that we are losing or have already lost in Today's World.

But the Worst Part, to my mind - is the #GenerationGap. I have many friends who are several generations older than I. They are Wonderful People - once you close that Gap. And you can then see that they are often, very lonely. Many times they hide this very clichely, with anger and griping - but if you try this thing called #Empathy - it's not hard to see why.

Try reading up on the Depression Era. World War II. Don't go text book style. Find stories that are REAL. Photos that portray the stark brutality of that era. Seeing where people come from can easily be the beginning to understanding why people are the way they are.

And then maybe we can be less bratty about our new president.

I have always believed in Respecting the Presidential Position, regardless of whether I voted for them or not. I mean - it's that, move or start a revolution. But griping and fuming solves nothing except upsetting yourself. I know this from experience. If you vote for a civil uprising - I'll consider your position, but for now - I'm going to keep trying to see why so many are excited about Trump's Election to Presidency. Even just this article has put some of the puzzle pieces I already had together. Maybe it will help you as well...

What So Many Don't Get about the U.S. Working Middle Class

And if you're like me where Empathy has become a Passion that Enthralls you and you're constantly looking to why people are they way they are...you may have wondered why Dad and Grandpa are SO Big on Frugality. In their eyes(and mine now as well ;) t's silly to buy something when you can makeshift something from scraps around the house - or just borrow it from a neighbor. Here's a Blog/Podcast that explains this in a Fun Way through Some Depression Era Budgeting Tips:

http://melissaknorris.com/podcast-building-great-depression-era-pantry/

"During the Great Depression people lived on extremely frugal budgets. My father was raised during the Great Depression and it shaped the way he brought us up and lives today. Learning from those who have lived through hard times and their lessons is important. I share his tips and how to create a Great Depression era pantry with frugal tips and recipes."

http://melissaknorris.com/podcast-44-depression-era-tips-stretch-food-budget/

"When my mom was growing up sometimes they didn’t have groceries or food in the cupboard. I don’t mean not a lot, or just a little bit of food, but sometimes, nothing at all. Though my mother never remembers going hungry. My Grandmother did can Tarheel green beans, but they didn’t have a large garden beyond that living in town and the beans were sometimes eaten before the next harvest. Both sides of my family came from North Carolina and relied on the heirloom green beans we’ve saved and continue to grow and pass down to this day."

http://melissaknorris.com/podcast-40-8-depression-era-tips-savemoneynow/

"During the Great Depression people learned to make do with very little. We are so spoiled today in our modern society. I’m grateful we don’t know those times, but we take so much for granted. I love having a more frugal mindset because it makes us appreciate what we have more.

It seems so many of us (myself included sometimes) have an air of ungratefulness, that we’re owed things. Instead of grumbling about things we don’t like, if we look for something to be thankful, we’re much better off. I’ve been reading One Thousand Gifts *affiliate link by Ann Voskamp, and I’m implementing finding things every day to be thankful

When you’re looking for things to be thankful for, it changes your emotion and mindset to that of grateful instead of grumpy and frustrated. Look for ways to thank God every day for little blessings in little moments. I think that is something those who went through the Great Depression learned."

~*~ <3 ~*~

In the end, this Post is NOT about Trump. It's not even about a Generational Gap. It's about God. It's about finding Him and the GoOD in EVERY Situation.

This is but a Moment in Time. These next four or even eight years are Temporal.

God is Eternal.

Do not put your stakes in what is here and now. On what is constantly changing. You must cling to He Who NEVER Changes. A Tale Older than Time. A Rock on which to stand during an Emotional Tempest. SomeONE Who will NEVER Fail you. Who will LOVE you UNCONDITIONALLY.

Do NOT put your Trust and Hope in an individual of this world. NO matter who that is - you are only setting yourself up for Failure. You cannot put your Hope in any man. Not your president, but neither your pastor, not your husband, not your dad or brother. They will all fail you. It's a by-product of sin. It Sucks. But it's apart of this Life.

One day we will be free from sin. This World will be free as well. I cannot convey how much I'm looking forward to the day I don't fuck up anymore. They day I don't screw people over by accident or on purpose. They day the Pain is Completely Eradicated from my soul. I do Pray that the End comes Swiftly. For the End is Really the Beginning. And I'm SO Friggin EXCITED!

But until then - I will follow God and ask for His Vision wherever I go. I want to see the World as He sees it. For it may be full of sin - but HE still Created it. You can find His Signature in EVERYthing.

No matter where you look - God is already there. He creates, He molds, He fixes what we break, He transforms what sin twists. He can and will make ALL things Beautiful. It is in this I find my reason for living. To see God Transform me, others and the World into the Most Beautiful Works of Art you could EVER Behold.

Can you just Imagine?!

WoW

When are we Worthy?

The answer?

Never

I was watching that Favorite Show of mine tonight...

There was a line that really resonated with me. A line I often think about.

"I wanna be the man your daughter deserves."

This idea - how often has it crossed my mind? The idea that we have to wait until we are Worthy. That we cannot follow God until we have reached a certain point in our maturity?

This is So Very, Very Wrong.

It is what kept me from God even when I no longer wanted to run from Him.

The idea that I had to be at a certain stage of life and understanding before I could approach Him.

When - in fact - we cannot reach any level of maturity without Him.

We are all Children of God and we are all Immature.

From Now until the day Christ comes back - this Aint gonna change.

As many tears as I've cried begging to be perfect and have all the answers now, it still won't change this Fact of Life.

While I'm not condoning any silly act based on my words - I think it's important to get priorities straight.

And Living Life - it's about Following God.

It's not about a 10 year plan involving a diploma or a job.

It's not about friends and family.

It's not about Happiness or Temporal Security.

We are here for God.

Him Alone.

Nothing else comes first.

And honestly. When that really sinks in.

Well.

Everything else just starts falling into place.

Spend less time worrying about Life going according to Plan.

Stop trying to Control Everything.

Don't worry about whether you're Ready or Not.

Why should you?

You're NEVER Gonna be Ready.

Nobody ever is.

You can feel like you are sometimes.

Just fyi - that's typically when God will throw you for a loop just to prove a point.

Cause Life is Hard and it's constantly changing.

One day you have a job - the next day you don't.

Or a Home.

Or a Family.

There's nothing you can't lose in this world...

Except He that is Eternal.

Do you see what I'm getting at?

Am I saying it right at all?

Stop trying to Prepare and Prove you're ready for something.

You're Not.

Someone wise once told me, "I'm just making this shit up as I go."

It's stuck with me.

Why?

Because it's how we need to live, in a way.

God will often throw curve balls to us.

He likes to keep us on our toes.

I mean - otherwise we'd forget Him quickly and find false idols for our sin-filled hearts to worship.

God knows this.

He accounts for it.

The Difficult Moments in Life that catch us by Surprise are Very Much a Blessing for this Just this Reason.

We are not perfect and we never will be.

We are not ready for Life or even God.

We never will be.

But that doesn't matter.

For God chooses us.

Not the other way around.

We have no control.

We have no ability to do the right thing on our own.

We cannot even Live on our own.

I do not think plans are bad, nor do I think making shit up on the fly is always good.

But from a person who needed everything Decided and Understood NOW -

I see the benefit of flexibility.

I see the Good that comes out of NOT Knowing what the Friggin Hey is going on.

Because God Knows All.

God Sees All.

God Understands All.

He's Omni

And we are His people.

It's not about having a plan.

It's not about being worthy or ready.

There is nothing to prepare you for much of what God has in store for you.

You would have to be Omni for any of that.

Are you?

Are you Omni?

Then Stop.

Granted - there's no Easy Button for this.

You can't really just - Stop.

So at least hear me as I say - if you're doing what I did...

If you're controlling your Life with an Iron Grip, what you're really doing...

Is Strangling it.

Ease up Thunder.

Let God do the planning.

The thinking.

The understanding.

Let God have control.

He's a lot better at steering the ship.

I mean - He is the Captain and all.

And while I will be the first to say this hella hard to do...

Living a Life with God in Control...

Well - you won't go Titanic like I did anyhoot :D

And even if you do - He's greater than any chunk of Ice.

He can save you.

He did me.

Even as I filled with water, broke in two and started dragging others into my agony...

He saved us all.

And because of this...

This and SO Much More...

I Trust Him

And that is where it begins.

No matter what your root sin is, whether it be Fear or Pride or something else entirely.

A Relationship with God is based on Trust through His Love.

If you don't Trust Him with your Life.

Well then - what do you think Christ died for anyways?

You don't trust God with something He's already Saved? For Eternity?

Huh

And this is also - Most Definitely NOT Something that has an Easy Button.

Trust

Oh Bother

To really get that one down - no amount of legalistic crap will help.

No formula - as friggin much as I'd love one.

You need Prayer.

Talk to HIM

Relationships need communication.

Particularly the ones that are in Trouble.

If you aren't communicating - you're already on your way out.

So talk to God.

And Listen for Him.

He's not as loud as us.

And He talks different.

I aint no prophet and if I heard the voice of God I would immediately admit myself back into Holly Hill.

But He definitely will talk to you through a variety of methods.

I mean - He's pretty much always talking.

It actually gets Obnoxious once you hear him.

Then you can't shut Him up even when you don't want His advice.

I know I know. I should like that He's a Busybody.

But I'm not Perfect and I'm not too proud to admit that He can piss me off with what He wants me to do.

Or what He doesn't want me to do.

Often!

And of course - I also really love Him for it.

So take a moment today.

Talk to God.

And then Listen.

Not with your ears - but with God's ears.

I've also been recently told that those times when you can almost hear something, something your ears have been straining for, but unable to quite grasp. When you quiet your head. Quiet your heart. When you let yourself just Listen without distraction - then the Volume increases - all on it's own.

This, I believe, is Exactly how it works with God also.

With all my Imperfect Love,

<3

We're Not So Different...You and I

I've never really understood why people either cannot or will not understand my Pain. But lately, I've had some idea. I still don't have the whole picture formed, but this is going to be me writing - trying to get some of these puzzle pieces to fit together. People have proven time and time again that while I may be important to them, my Pain is not. This I've always understood. People cannot understand my Pain and so they brush it off as not Real. The believe me to be exaggerating, a drama queen, or an attention whore. If you think any of those things about me - you obviously don't know me well and you will also never be a trusted friend of mine. I may try to trust you - but I will never succeed.

I will no longer let others convince me my Pain is not Real. That it does not hurt. And I did, for an Incredibly Long time. I believed I was all those things people said about me and it sucks to believe things that aren't - true. I mean, how can you fix something, if what you're trying to fix, isn't what is Broken? For years and years I tried to "fix" things...that were never the problem to begin with. I tried to believe I was normal - I'm not. I tried to believe I was Fine - I'm not. I tried to suck it up - I can't. I tried to pray so God will just magically take the Pain away without learning anything - News Flash -- He didn't. And I'm glad. I might Hate the Pain - but I'm wiser knowing why it's there and not having it go away before I figured out the root issues behind it. I'm better off following God, Growing and Sanctifying even though it hurts like a Bitch, then having Him just transport me to the final destination.

I dislike admitting this - but I'm grateful for the Pain. I'm even more Grateful for the time, safety and security of where I am right now - to be able to find the source and use God and the Strength He gifts me - to eliminate it. I've never been in a place in life, with the resources to do this. Many people don't understand all that therapy entails. It is Amazing(with the right professional) and it's also Fucking Hard. Therapy involves bringing the Pain to the surface. It involves finding the root issues and shitty as it is, in order to do that, you have to be willing to withstand the Pain that is associated.

The more the Pain - the harder this is to do. It's basically going into an ancient Roman battle every week - without armor, and just hoping you don't get any mortal wounds that will have you out for more than a day or two. And I usually am. I try not to schedule things on therapy days anymore. I never know whether I will be able to handle anything at all afterwards, much less interactions with others. What's worse is that now that I'm actually working hard at my therapy and fixing root issues - this is a regular thing in my life - having Pain. It didn't used to be. I had coping methods that were Fucking Fantastic at hiding the Pain, not only from others -- but from myself as well. I could bury it deep with some Incredibly UnHealthy Coping Skills. Skills I no longer allow myself.

And so, for a long time - the question of why people don't understand my Pain didn't bother me. They didn't need to, they didn't even need to know about it. But these days - I don't get a choice. My therapy doesn't allow me to hide the Pain. It doesn't allow me to bury it. I have to Feel. And. It. SUCKS. I hate feeling. I hate the Pain. I hate the judgmental looks. And I absolutely hate that people just brush it off. Like, because I hurt so often, it cannot hurt that bad. I mean - if it did - I would be in the hospital regularly. Umm...Wake Up Child. I WAS. Remember? It always hurt you Fool. I just buried it deep until it Burst like a Volcano. And so I was in the hospital regularly. And I'm not now. Why is that? I suspect it has something to do with letting it drain slowly. It still hurts like a MoFo, but I'm stronger than I knew. Particularly since I have God's Strength now.

I also am smart enough to understand the hospital can't help me. Not anymore. And that's really it actually. The Pain is far worse than it ever was before I started draining it, but I would rather curl up in a ball and silently scream in my room for a day and a half, then go to a hospital. Why? Because they can't help me. I'm getting the help I need and this is part of that. What is a professional going to do? Just sit there and watch? Um. NO Thank you. And it's not 24/7 peeps. Not often anymore. I have learned healthy techniques, for if I have to do it for more than a day - I start losing my mind. Distraction is key. It's not about shoving the Pain back down, where it will only grow exponentially - it's about being able to put it aside for a while, distract just long enough to Breathe and Brace before you let it come back.

And have you ever considered that I do that? Friends of mine - do you realize that I actively allow the Pain to come? Have you understood that I can bury it, that I can choose not to feel it? Do you really and truly understand that I have that capability and deny myself it? I do this because that's now how I will heal. I do this because God has given me Bravery when I am an Utter Coward. I willingly allow the Pain because I choose to follow God and He insists. I Trust Him and He has proven that He is Trustworthy, despite not needing to do this. He has proven He will help me handle the Pain - when I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I cannot.

The Pain is Real. I still have a hard time comprehending how people don't believe this. How they can brush it off like it doesn't matter? And I realize that I've thought of many people as pussies in tattoo parlors. Big Biker Men have screamed when getting their tattoos done. It's never hurt me enough to do more than wince. But that doesn't mean it didn't hurt them. For a Bazillion of varieties of reasons - people feel different levels of Pain when delivered the same amount of "pressure". Whether physical or mental - this is True. I often think men are babies when it comes to Pain. Oh - your balls just got tapped? You poor thing - why do you take my cramps once a month and get back to me on that? But in reality - we're all hurting and this isn't a competition.

We need to stop judging each other based on our own experiences of Pain. And we really need to stop bullying each other about it. Yes. I will not use the word teasing. It's not nice - it's not kind - and it in no way brings Glory to God. I include myself in this admonition. It is alright to hurt. It's alright to hurt and cry out. It's alright to hurt and not cry out. Everybody is different. You have no right to judge them on something you cannot feel yourself.

And while I do grant that there are many drama queens and attention whores out there who exaggerate their own Pain - have you ever thought about why they do this? If you're answer is that they're Spoiled...then you are a FOOL. Go talk to God - because nothing I can say will sway you if you are that ignorant to the realities of this world. And maybe, if you stop blinding yourself to Truth - you will be able to look around you and SEE. You will see Pain in Everyone, Everywhere. People hurting at a variety levels and handling it in even more ways - rarely healthy ones. The human race was kicked out of Eden, filled with sin and all longing to be FREE of it. We long to Go Home. All of us. We just don't all know it yet.

So I hurt. You hurt. The stranger walking down the street hurts. And it all matters. Do not make my mistake of dismissing another person's pain so lightly, emotional or physical. Pain is Pain. There's nothing you can do to change that. Only He can. And He will. He is. In my life and in others. I will ask this of you. Whether or not you can empathize - pray on this blog post. Because I'm tired of my Pain being blown off and dismissed simply because you don't understand it, can't comprehend it, or refuse to believe it hurts. My Pain is just as valid as another's. But it has been very rare for me to enjoy friends who I know believe that. They are my miracles, whom I treasure for simply treating my Pain like it matters. For treating me - like I'm not worthless.

I realize God believes I'm valuable, but honestly - there are very few who I believe think the same. God and I have talked about it. I know that if I were to have no one at all who thought I was worth it. If I was back in the hell years with no one to believe I was worth anything more than a charity case friend - I would be alright. Because I have Him - and that is enough. I would hate it and I don't believe that is a realistic scenario anymore, but it is good to be prepared. Worse-case scenarios are difficult when I do that in-depth exercise. To truly think about how you would handle something like that - but I could and would turn to God. He is enough for me. But often I pray for more friends who believe I'm worth befriending, as different and as intense as I am.

And the Really Cool thing? He's been answering that prayer. When you give up an idol to God - you typically go without for a while. As a test to see for yourself that you can. And then it gets pretty awesome - because He gives back what you gave up, tenfold. No longer as an idol - but as a gift. Whether it's safety you idolize, happiness, security, control, friends - whatever you think you NEED. Whatever you would never give up if God asked you to. Whatever you value above God. Whatever you are unwilling to Trust Him with - Give it up. Eventually He will take it away anyways, so give it up now. And it will hurt. It will be scary. You will go without until you're truly ready to be entrusted with such a Gift again.

And all those things are Gifts. If you think you deserve the security your job provides, the safety of your children, the control of your possessions or even your own life? Oh dear Child of God - my heart goes out to you. From personal experience I can tell you that having your idols taken away when you refuse to Trust God - is The Worst. Don't make my mistake. Be Grateful for the Gifts God has given you and always remember that they are not yours. Nothing is. You've earned nothing but Hell. Christians, remind yourself daily that you still deserve Hell also. Becoming a Christian does not mean you deserve to go to Heaven. It means that God has saved us from it.

Often people get sucked into the idea that their conversion makes them better than others - that they are worth more now, as Christians. That is So Beyond Wrong it sickens me. You are Worth NOTHING. Not with sin still in your heart. We are no more than bloody rags. It is Christ who takes away our sin and restores the perfection we were designed for. We are valuable to God as He is outside of time, but we are not Valuable as we are now. When God shines through us you can see what we will become, but at the moment -- You and I are the exact same in what we deserve. As is the murderer on death row, the hooker hawking her wares, the preaching spewing lies and falsehoods, the man raping the child, should I continue?

We are all the same. We are all different. Life is a Complexity and being able to see those Complexities is Fucking Hard, but Hella Important. Neither is it fun. It is Good. But I would not say it is enjoyable. I do not find joy in writing these. I do not find comfort. I find Pain. I find the answers I seek. I share the answers I find. And above all - I try to Follow God and I Pray that He will use my Posts for His Glory. Even when I say things poorly and even when I can be cruel. He can untwist any kind of sin and so I pray He does so with every Post. That He will use my Words for Good and not let them be used for Evil. Even with a soul full of sin and evil spewing from my mouth. He can and does change that. He transforms my words as He transforms my soul. And for this my God - I thank You. With all my Imperfect Love - I thank You.

I Have a Confession

"Grow Up!!!"
How many times have I uttered this phrase in my Blog now?
No - don't tell me. I'm not really sure I actually want to know.

I stand by my words though. I really do look around this world in Absolute Shock and Horror at the ways "Christians" act these days in the name of God. It sickens me. My Blog was never begun as a way to post this, but it has steadily become that. And now I make a confession . While on the one hand - y'all need to Grow the Fuck Up.

However.
You also need a very important thing to do so.
Time

That and guidance, the right set of tools, opportunity and of course - Most Importantly - An Intense Relationship with God.

But ALL of this...takes Time.

And honestly - I forget that is what I needed also.

What I still Need.

It's true that - when I look at me - I still have an Incredibly Hard time seeing a Godly woman.

Often all I see is a young, stupid girl - a coward. And selfish above all else.

Despite the words of friends, family and even strangers - I still struggle with seeing, and most Definitely - Admitting any of my God-given Strengths and Talents.

And while it may only be an excuse - it may help that this is why I often get SO Frustrated with the Christian Community - with The Church.

I see people who have had their eyes "open" for So Much longer than me!

People who have grown up and thrived in the Church!

People who have read the Bible EVERY Day for Years!

Who have gone to Bible Studies and Graduated Seminary - or college - or are just really friggin Smart!

And then there's me.

A girl who spent a decade running from God and Pain.

Who made pretty much every single bad decision in the book.

Who willfully left the church, her family and her life to seek an easier path in Life.

But there's no such thing as an easy Path on my Pilgrim's Progress.

Although Imma throw something Real at you...

The Decade of Running from God - was Fucking Hella Easier than Following Him.

And that is The TRUTH.

This is also an understanding that many within the Church cannot seem to comprehend.

It baffles me.

How can I - the Complete Fuckup:

29 and Single

No Degree

No Job

No License or Car

Therapy Once a Week

Doesn't Know How to Cry Properly

Doesn't Know How to Cook Easily

Still Gets Scared to Ask for a Ride

And Still Enjoys a good ole "That's what she said" Joke...

How can I see a Truth SO Clearly and yet SO Many simply don't?

How can people who I have always deemed as "Better" than me - miss some of the Most Obvious Lessons Christ taught us?

How can they even seem to understand something, believe they do, even talk as if they do - but through their Words and Deeds - prove that they truly, just - Don't?

I would like to think many of the Truths I understand are simply fallacies.

It would make sense to me that I'm just wrong.

And yet - how many times have I written a blog post only to have dozens of Christian friends affirm exactly what I said? How often has our Pastor done the same? Several times he did so the following week of my Post!

No - What I'm saying has merit.

It's just that not everyone sees that yet. They aren't spiritually mature enough to understand.

And here's the kicker...

That is OK

No - it's not ok to stay that way forever.

We ALL have to Grow Up.

(and I personally hate this part of life)

But we do.

However

It's ok to not rush it.

How often have I cried because I saw what I needed to learn - but couldn't grasp it fast enough.

How many women have admitted with me - that we just want to be perfect NOW!

We don't want to be Patient.

We don't want to Work for it.

And - SideNote - Sin is not often just flicked out of existence by God.

No - that's rarely how He opperates.

When there is sin in your Life - you ask God to take it away of course.

But how does He do that?

He typically give you the tools and His Own Strength and Guidance.

You cannot do it on your own and only God can forgive you for it - But

Sometimes the Best Lesson Learned - is the Hard Way.

Us Humans - We Need Consequences Often to Truly Understand.

To Truly Hate Our Sin - having it disappear at the drop of a prayer would teach many of us Nothing.

Growing Spiritually - Sanctification - involves learning Much the HardWay.

We learn through Pain, Sweat, Tears and even Blood.

Perhaps - especially Blood.

It Sucks

Like - it Really Really BLOWS

And so I get it now.

Many people aren't ready for that.

People don't want to Grow.

It's Fucking Hard.

I simply no longer had a choice.

And now I realize that the people I get exasperated with, simply aren't where I am yet.

And that's alright.

It wasn't alright when people looked down on me for that.

And it's not alright to look down on others for it.

We all grow.

At different rates, times and for different reasons.

And above all - I am grateful that God has given so many the time to Grow Slowly.

You may hear a sarcastic undertone in that sentence, but believe me in that it is your own imagination, spurned by a lifetime of experiences.

While I may seem patronizing or condescending to someone who does not know me well...

Hear me now.

The thought of people going through what I've been through is a sure fire panic attack in the making.

I would Spare Anyone the need to learn what I have in the ways I did.

I wish my Path of Sanctification on NO ONE.

Least of all someone I love.

So Yes.

I am Incredibly Grateful that people have the chance to Grow Slowly.

I am Beyond Thankful they do not have to go through hell years and More Pain than I can convey.

I would Grow Slower if I could.

But I don't get that option any more.

And because of this I see my error.

You are allowed to Grow Slowly.

I am SO Very Grateful For this

And so while you still do need to...

GROW UP

I will also remember that I DO NOT WANT you to have to do it Fast.

I am HeartBroken at the very thought.

With Much Imperfect Love

I am a Coward

I am a Coward. It's simple. I will do Anything and Everything to avoid Mental Pain. One of my Alltime Fvorite tv shows emphasizes a typical societal view on Emotional Pain versus Physical Pain...

Yes - I think this is Hilarious. It's also very, Very Wrong.

I am a coward, but if the definition of a coward was determined by a Stoic, I would be a BEAST. I am simply not afraid of Physical Pain. The idea of being shot doesn't scare me. If we were in Roman times I would make an Amazing soldier. If you looked at the things I've done...

I've gone down black diamonds in Colorado and laughed when I crashed - Hard. I'm an adrenaline junkie and if there's a challenge to be had in that arena - I have Never said No. From cliff-jumping to playing chicken in a car -- I've done it all. I could give two shits about my body. Not when it's such an easy pawn to use in retaining my sanity. In keeping the Emotional Pain at Bay. Tattoos and Piercings were used this way. Men were as well. Even a taser once.

Oh - you don't want to hear this? Boohoo - I'm not in the mood to hear your bullshit. Not if you laughed at that video and sure as Fuck not if you agreed with it. You obviously need to hear the realities of Emotional Pain because I'm sick and tired of people treating us like weaklings. I'm a Coward for Emotional Pain, the kind that you Could Not FATHOM.

You think you can empathize? Ok - Empathize.

Imagine what it's like to have a Pain SO Intense that you decide to end your life because you can't handle it. Oh - believe me, I know you've heard this before and it hasn't sunk in. So I'll make it more real for you.

There are men and women in this world who have Pain that goes so deep that they just quit Life. I remember the first time Clearly. I left work. I went home and popped pill after pill until my bath was cold - guzzling cough medicine on the side as I ate chips for the horrendous taste. When that didn't seem to be working - I got in my ugliest pairs of sweats, covered my seat with a towel to prevent a mess and calmly took a serrated knife to my arms for over half an hour, slicing them dozens upon dozens of times -  trying to get deep enough to hit a vein. It wasn't hard. I never cried out. I only let a couple tears fall when I saw that it wasn't working. They wouldn't bleed, not how I wanted them too. I remember despairing and trying harder and harder. I put a great deal of physical strength into my last attempt. It was the only one that needed stitches - about an inch deep and when the blood barely welled - that is when I let a couple tears fall as I realized that I couldn't even kill myself correctly. I had fucked up again. And the Pain from that was the only thing I felt - the only Pain I remember with a clarity that Hurts even now. I do not remember any physical pain whatsoever.

I remember Emotional Pain, physical pain does not even register as a blip in my memories. I remember Hurting SO Bad, my thoughts going at the rate of a tornado - spiraling up so High and Dangerous. It was terrifying and I am a Coward. So I walked to Cary Parkway. I waited. I saw lights from a car racing down the street at the late hour. I waited. And then I ran and stopped. I watched the car as it hit me. I braced myself for impact. I admit I was scared enough at the last minute that I twisted my body away from the car and it only hit my left side. My head hit the windshield. I fell to the ground and I remember despair that I wasn't hurt at all. I wanted it to knock me out. I wanted to stop Feeling, emotionally. And not even the physical pain from this even could stop the Emotional Pain from torturing me. All I wanted was for it to all stop. But banging your head against a brick or shower wall is only enough to ease the Pain for a little bit - it won't stop your thoughts. They just keep going and going and going...

Think about what I have said. Think about your reaction to that video clip. I find it humorous in a deprecating sort of way. Why do you? Do you think Physical Pain hurts more than Emotional Pain? Because honestly - I find sin in my life for thinking men are pussies with not only Emotional Pain, but physical pain as well. Last year - if you were to give me a gun and dare me to shoot myself in the foot - I could and probably would, depending on the stakes. I can brand myself, although I've only worked with boiling water for that type of physical pain. Physical Pain is NOTHING compared to Emotional Pain. The fact that you think that - just tells me you've never experienced this kind of PAIN. And I lose respect for you honestly. When I cry out because a piece of furniture drops on my foot or glass breaks and cuts me - are you really so oblivious to think I'm crying out from physical pain? Fool. I am crying out because I didn't catch it - because I failed.

Fuck.

I am disappointed in each and every one of you who still holds this fucked up view of life. I am double disappointed with anybody unwilling to try to empathize. Today I'm just Done. I'm tired of Idiots and Fools. I'm tired of confrontations and conflict. I'm tired of a year of growing and people still not understanding exactly where I was that wanting to LIVE, that dealing with the PAIN is a BIG Fucking Deal. I spent an entire Decade handling the Pain with physical pain, among other poor coping methods. Today I'm proud to say that I am FAR from where I was. I'm following God and I'm working my ASS OFF to Live like Jesus. And I am doing hella GOoD.

I don't have time for people who are unwilling to go through hard shit to follow God too. I sure as fuck did and still do. At least for today - I refuse to deal with y'all's shit. You are a modern day bully and the kind that is really just the Ultimate Pussy.

I admit I was a Coward and often still am. I ran away from the Pain and from God for a decade plus. But I am no longer running. I am turning to face it head on. Not only that - but I'm going Braveheart style on this Bitch. With God at my side - I know I will fucking have my Freedom. Not in this life - but the Next.

#LoveWhatMatters #FollowGod #GrowUp #DrinkMoreMilk

Bullshit

I'm Depressed. There - I said it. Today - I feel like Fucking Shit. No - I'm not on my period. Nowhere close. No - no one was mean to me. Nothing big happened. Well - I worked on my therapy yesterday and that started this monsoon of emotions. After that things just spiraled down quickly because Guess what? I don't know what the hell I'm doing. Once a week I see a therapist for an hour who helps me with this shit. The rest of the week I stumble along on my own - trying to figure out how to handle these crazy-ass, horribly out-of-proportion emotions in a society that promotes a stoic attitude as reasonable, acceptable and any sign of emotions to be disgraceful.

So when it hurts - what do I do? Do I cry? Do I vent and yell? I don't know!!! It's not that easy when every person I know doesn't know how to handle emotions either. Not perfectly. I don't blame anyone. This is EVERYone. It just SUCKS. And these days are often just The Worst. Because it Hurts. It hurts SO Bad. I've thankfully Finally gotten to the point where I trust people won't leave me because I have a bad day and let it show. I am even at the point where I trust that there are people who still want to be my friend when I have months or years of drama in my life. And that is Incredibly Rare to find.

So perhaps it's too much to want more. Perhaps, in the society we live in today, with the generational sins that are so embedded within us - it's too much to ask for people not to be SO Awkward with emotions. Honestly - I know it is. Here I am - this crazy girl who just waltzes into people's lives and forces them to change for HER. How selfish is that? Please - Please Believe me when I say I NEVER wanted to do that. I never wanted ANY of this. If this is the Blame Game - I blame God. The Idiot kept me alive when I wanted to die. Over and over again. He beguiled me back to Church. He tricked me into Trusting people. But I never wanted to!!! I fought Him and still fight Him on the idea of Trust. On the idea of conviction.

I don't want to be the one to tell you this! I don't want to be the one to say that you need to GROW UP. That emotions are apart of nature and your inability to handle them is not only Spiritually Immature but Morally Wrong. And hell YES - I tell myself the same thing! I've never claimed to be mature. I've never claimed to be Better than ANYbody! Quite the Opposite. I know I'm fucked up. I know I'm immature. I know I'm Absolutely Insane. And for some reason - God loves me and died for me. Fuck if I know why. But He did. And so I grow. Even when I don't want to. I type and tell people what God is trying to teach me - even as tears stream down my face -- and I HATE CRYING.

Life isn't about comfort. Life isn't about fun. Life isn't about happiness. It's about following God - even when it SUCKS. And so tonight I'll probably go to my damn Study - full of my friends whom I adore. Friends I trust. And friends who get SO Fucking Awkward when I'm having a rough time. I will force myself to go, even though all I want to do is hide from the world today. I will try not to shake and cry as I know they see past the few defenses I've been allowed to keep around them by God. They see what I still do not allow many and sometimes I wonder if they know how Big of a Deal that is. I wonder if they think it's Easy. When it one of the Hardest things I do on a regular basis.

Oh - you don't think it's hard to Trust? Everyone has walls Deary. Everyone has defenses to hide their vulnerabilities from the eyes of others. And God doesn't like walls. God is The Only defense we need against the world. Sarcasm, control, anger, ambivalence - these are often masks people use to guard themselves. And they are Immoral. We have to learn to take off our damn masks and show those we trust, and show our very selves, who we are deep down. You'll have to get past all the shit that's hiding the Truth from view, but when you dig deep enough you'll find that you are a Valuable Child of God. You will never fully understand that until you take off your mask. Walls not only hide your vulnerabilities from the world - they also hide them from yourself. Out of Sight - Out of Mind.

Only when you can admit something, can you truly begin to change. And if you can't see how hard this shit is - then I seriously doubt you've ever tried to do this yourself. I admit I feel like SHIT. I admit I don't know how to handle it well. I admit it hurts me when others don't either even though I realize that's not their fault. But that also doesn't make it right. Admitting or accepting does not give any of us license to get off skot-free. My inability to handle my emotions well have been the driving force behind losing so many of my friends. Their inability to know what to do in an emotional situation did the same.

Relationships are a two-way street and when you add sin into the mix - there is NO Room for the Blame Game. Take responsibility for your part of the Blame in EVERY situation. And if you don't think you have some, oh Double Fuck Brownies - Look harder Darlin. If you didn't help shape a mess - you certainly didn't prevent it. And as a person living in a Fallen World - with God on your side? Oh Baby - you really CAN Move Mountains!!! We can Do ALL Things through CHRIST Who Strengthens Us! Do you not believe that? The Very Word of God tells us the Impossible is Possible. And with the knowledge that Christ is on our side - that is the knowledge that there is no problem TOO Big! That also means we will Always need to apologize for anything we choose not to turn to God for help with.

Your parents are fighting and there's nothing you can do? Bullshit. You got laid off and can't find a job and there's no way to provide for you family? Um - BULLShit. The countries going up in flames because your party didn't win the election? *Cough*BULLSHIT*Cough. The World is about to be hit my a massive meteor and there's no way out now? For the Last Time. Fucking Bullshit. There are many times in your life when your hands are tied and there's nothing you can physically do about a problem. But turning to God will Always be an option. And if you're not doing that - then you're already in a deep fucking hole of your own devising.

I know I don't do it right. Following God. I myself dig a hole and jump in daily. Thankfully God sees fit to bail me out every time. I say this regularly - that we just need to Follow Him, albeit even Incredibly Poorly. And that second half is not a joke - it's a Big Part of why I say that. We cannot follow God perfectly. Nothing I do is ever 100% right. Nothing I say. No problem I handle. No way I love. None of it can I do perfectly. I simply try to do as God says and pray that He will fix it when I screw up, either slightly or Big Time. This is everyone. And so I realize that people may be awkward around me when I'm having a rough day. I tend to get really awkward around others when they're having a rough day. This may be Wrong, but that doesn't mean it's not understandable.

So while I call people out and being Immature - I call myself out. And while I say this is Morally Wrong - I do not hate them for it. However - I will also tell anyone whom I trust and when I have more courage then normal -- this hurts me. You ignoring me, you walking on eggshells, you not knowing what to say or how to say it - these hurt me. And yet again - I'm not saying I blame you - but that doesn't make it right. That doesn't make it ok. And if I haven't made this 200% clear - I realize I don't make it easy. I realize I'm a HUGE part of the problem. And I go to a professional for this once a week. I work on my therapy every Fucking Day. So I am working on this problem. Are you?

I wouldn't suggest anybody learn to handle emotions for me. Hell NO. I don't need anybody else telling me they've gone to therapy because of me. But if I haven't already mentioned this a dozen times already...I am not normal and I am not unique. There are millions and billions of people who struggle with the things I do. You don't hear about them for various reasons I could write a book on. Although - someone already did that. Go read it if you want: I Hate You - Don't Leave Me. You want to help people in this world? You want to apart of the solution to some of the Biggest Problems in SO Many societies? Learn to handle emotions properly. We all SUCK at it. And some point - we're gonna need to change that. And the sooner the better, cause it's taking us down and ugly path. I'm not looking forward to what's at the end of it.

But I know God is at my side and NO Matter WHAT - I will be OK. I still wish I could just go Home and be with Him now. But that is not my choice. And I am more than willing to stay here where He wants me until He's done using me for His purpose. Cause it's not about me. It's not about you. And that is probably one of the fundamental things to grasp before you can Truly Follow Him. So while I am Incredibly Miserable today. And while I have no doubt I will fight God on going to Study later, I will go where He wants me. Although I'd rather follow Him down a bed of coals right now. It would probably hurt less. Yeah - that was mean. It was also true.

Physical Pain is NOTHING compared to the Emotional Pain some of us feel. That is the fundamental knowledge needed to grasp if you want to start learning about emotions. You can't grasp that - I expect all that will help you is prayer. I certainly can't convey any better than I've tried in my previous posts how agonizing that type of pain is. Just because you don't believe me, doesn't mean it's not true. It simply means you have never experience it yourself and lack the ability to empathize. I can't handle this anymore. I hate being convicting. I hate crying. I hate life, the shitty-ass version of human love and all that it entails right now. I'm tired and I wish I could wash my hands clean of everyone and everything.

I know I know. Bullshit.

My View on Politics?

You know I'm crazy. You know I'm Intense. You ready to follow the White Rabbit down to Wonderland? You ready to see what I see in this World? Many times my view of the world is SO Beautiful I cry just looking around. I did that at Church these past two Sundays. I cried with my friends at Study this week. I cry when I see a rainbow, a butterfly, a waterfall. I believe there is Such Beauty in the World! Stunning, Breathtaking Beauty that brings me to my knees in Amazement. There is also Ugliness. Deep-seated and Lethal. The kind that has me curled in a ball, begging for God to bring me Home Now Please. And that brings me to my subject: Politics.

Me and my roomies were actually discussing this subject tonight. Not something we do often as we all have vastly different opinions on this subject. We also each have an Incredibly Low Tolerance for Conflict. Thankfully this discussion was fairly shallow and filled with laughter as we discussed The CheeseBerglar Army that I would lead when the Revolution Begins ;)

But in all Seriousness -- I do believe a Revolution is Coming. I have believed this and shared this thought even before I knew the candidates for this 2016 election. I've actually only voted once since I was old enough - and I regret that I did. People never like hearing that - you can't effect change if you don't vote and all that. I'm sorry - but I Truly Believe our Political System is too far gone to be helped at this point. It's going down in flames and I don't want to try to put out the fire with my little cup of water. And I'm thinking perhaps it was God who lit the match. Perhaps the Decrepit Building that maybe was once Beautiful - needs to be Burned to the ground - that we can rebuild. I know that's a terrifying concept. None of us like change and me high among those. But I see how it is often necessary - even if it hurts like a Bitch.

And I simply cannot see God continuing to allow the Disgusting turn our Country has taken. If you know me - you know Exactly where I'm going with this. Our Country may still be all about Freedom and Justice - but more so than that - it stands for Division. US against THEM. No matter who we are or even who "they" are. We look for fights and are eager to jump in when they begin. We are a Country that Thrives off Drama and Reality TV Shows. Sarcasm, humor, laughter have become weapons at our disposal. Education and knowledge, in able hands, can be more lethal than a gun. We don't care about Truth!!! We care about being right!! And no matter the cost...or who we hurt in the process.

You can see this in the way I declare my own stance. Everything has become a battle! It often seems to be all we know! Even when the battle is for Peace. I don't know how this will change, how it even can change - only that it must. We cannot continue this way. It's Morally WRONG. God will eventually put His Foot down and say NO More. And so - when the time comes and the Revolution for Change begins -- I won't flee our Country. No - I'm not gonna pack my bags and take the first plane out. No. Oh no. No matter what - I want to be here, in the front-lines, fighting for God. Whether the battle is in my own home, on the field or perhaps in the Cloud - I want to be Here...Fighting for Peace. God Willing.

As for this election? It may still shock some of you, but I don't see how. As a middle schooler I learned not to watch the news. Recently I was reminded why and I don't have to know it's on to start flinching at the very tone they use in their "friendly debates". Politics is Cruel. Political Parties have always been at each other's throats and it simultaneously makes me livid and breaks my heart to hear such anger at another human being. "Political Intrigue" is a romanticized phrase that describes the disgusting cancer that is eating away at America's soul. There are people who are within the system who understand right from wrong - but even they eventually have to "Play the Game" - in order to make a Difference. Games for personal gain. Or one step up from that, Games to make a Difference. But a Difference for whom? 

Black Lives Matter. We Support LGBT. Women Deserve Better. People just want a voice! So many injustices that need to be heard!! But what happens when there are so many crying out at once? In the end - No One is heard. It is just a insane-asylum cacophony of screams. You want to be Heard? Then try using one voice. Just. One.

We always said we America was the "Melting Pot".....What a Joke.

You can go ahead and pray for your candidate. You pray for your party to succeed. Pray that our Country elects a Great Leader that will put our country to rights. Pray for all those unrealistic and selfish travelling mercies. I will pray for Change at whatever the Cost. I will pray for Strength and Courage - that our Country will pull together when Change occurs - and does NOT Continue to Unravel at the Seams. 9/11 was one of the Most Horrific and Terrifying events of my youth, but one thing that stands out to me above all the horror that happened - was the LOVE that followed. Our Country stood as one. We reached out to each other. As a Nation - it was one of the most Unifying things I have Ever gotten to Experience. And while I will Certainly NOT be praying for that - I do not discount that it may happen again.

And if it does...perhaps I will get to play out my BucketList Desire of Reign of Fire Battle Cry Epicness after all. Even as a child I never wanted to die quietly in my sleep. I always wanted to go out fighting - fighting for God. What's cool is that No Matter What - that dream is already reality. Fighting does not have to involve a Battle Axe. My weapon of choice these days, is Prayer - and I would be happy to leave this World and Finally join my God in Heaven - with my last words being that kind of battle cry. So, let me take a moment and pray to pray on my last day of life in this world. Whether it be now or a century from now(I beg of You - Please don't keep me here that long) - let me Praise Your Name with my very last breath.

Never Forget --- This is NOT our HOME. Do NOT get comfortable. Do NOT Fight for the World. Follow God and Fight for HIM. I pray this for each of this. I pray this for me.