My Fantastical Dream

Everybody has a Bucket List, written out or not. Everybody who wants to Live has things they would like to do in this Life. Typically a Bucket List is Comprised out of wants that our not yet attainable. Whether it be due to money, priorities, opportunities, etc. But they are always there - these Goals for OneDay. And this is Good. This is Very Good. Well - I mean as long as you aren't legalistic about it and don't make your purpose in life to attain them. That will leave you Broken and Defeated. A Bucket List is not to be checked off - but to be Dreamed about.

Dreams, Goals, Fantasies can be a Wonderful Tool to help you Live Life to the Fullest. God uses these to guide you. Because God cares more about your soul. We've talked about this. He cares about our Wants, our Hopes and our Dreams. And I KNOW He wants us to come to Him with these things - to ask Him for Help and Guidance to fulfill these Lifelong Desires. And as long as we realize we Must be Amenable to the Changes He will make in our Unique Bucket Lists - we will end up with more Fantasies fulfilled than we could have Ever have Even Hoped for. I know from First-hand Experience.

Of course - if you let an item on your List become an Idol -- if you say this is a MUST Have, not a WANT. Then believe you me - there's a Good Chance it will Never be Attained. Or the Consequences of Checking it off are Dire instead of Fulfilling. I know This from Experience as well. So when making a List of Dreams, when plotting out Flexible Goals for this Life - Go BIG. Just don't Demand. And so I have. Ever since I realized that God is More than a General of a Roman Army, but the Lover of my Soul - I've started asking Him for a Variety of my Deepest Desires. And while I do not share those lightly, there is one that I have begun to talk about in the past year.

I rarely discuss it because it is an Incredibly Flexible Lifelong Dream. It is not one I will attain in this year or the next or even the next. I'm sure God could do that if He wanted too - but I still have to Grow A Helluvalot to attain this Goal and a couple years of that level of Growth would hurt like a Bitch. But sharing often means people feel obligated to give me input on how this can be achieved or warnings on why it cannot be achieved. At least, not by me. And yet - God has not asked me to let go of this Fantasy of mine. He often refines my Desires for it. And as I've shared it more often then ever lately - I thought I'd share it here now.

But let me start with a Dream that is not mine, that you may understand why this Dream is SO Important to me. For I do Not dream of having my own children. I have had many people tell me this will change. That it's only not Important to me now. I realize Dreams change with time and that many people think I am simply adjusting to the fact that my "clock is ticking" now that I'm 29. But this is not a Valid Reason in my eyes. God has Never had Difficulty giving children to anybody. I realize people can struggle to have children and some are barren. And it breaks my heart when people who Desire to have children cannot. That is a Spiritual Journey that I would NEVER wish on another.

I also know of people who decided they were Done with kids. No more. We're no longer up for the Parenting Gig. They pay for hospital procedures to ensure this. And then what happens? Who doesn't know a story like that! Cracks me up. I myself have a brother who is 17 years younger than me, although he was a Miracle that we Praised God for due to the circumstances. God can give and God can take away. It's not up to us. So no, I don't want my own children. Neither am I saying, No - don't you dare give me children God. I figure I'll use your average birth-control and God will make the necessary decisions.

So why don't I want kids of my own? Because God has given me a Purpose in Life - and I LOVE it. And while I realize this may be a Purpose for just This Moment in Time, I am Hoping it will Grow. For now - I am in a Position where I can love others - However they need it. I get to be the Spontaneous Telephone call you make when you need someone to help clean your house, to move some large furniture, to sub for you in one of the ministries, to babysit, to accompany you to a shindig you don't want to attend alone, to talk to you when you are walking a dark path home by yourself and feel a little scared. I LOVE being this person. I LOVE Helping in these ways!

I don't have a set schedule, but neither is my schedule Ever Empty. Looking back on the week I am often shocked by how much has Happened. And I LOVE That! I have a large quantity of small skills that go towards my Passion to Love others as they need it. Every day I work on more skills to add to this repertoire. Recently I found out I get to help one of my treasured friends arrange her wedding bouquets and I literally cried with happiness. She was a bit stressed and it is a hobby I have joyfully worked on for kicks and giggles, never knowing I might be needed in this regard. It's the Little Things that really turn out to be Big Things.

And so that is what my weeks consist of inbetween Helping others. I Follow God and Hone a Variety of Skills for Future use that I do not even yet know. But I Trust that He does. And so a Passion of mine has become this Broad Idea of Love and Healing. Life will Break each and every one of us over time. Hopefully most will turn to God for Healing sooner than I did. And then it is more a matter of Maintenance. God is always nearby, Willing to Heal what has Broken -- Heart, Mind and Soul. And while we may be His, whether we like it or not - Healing needs more of a willingness to Reach out to Him on our parts. Or, at least not run hella hard away like I did ;)

And that's the thing. There are SO Many like me! There are SO Many who did NOT Turn to God for Healing. SO Many who run away in Fear! People who are Broken -- Hearts, Minds and Souls. This WORLD is Broken. Sin is here and Constantly Corrupting EVERYTHING! It hurts just thinking about it. And that is my passion. Brokenness. Brokenness and Healing. The Healing Power of LOVE. Of God. And that is my Deepest Lifelong Desire. The Culmination of all my Passions.

Ever since I lived in Chapel Hill I have dreamed of owning a house like the ones off of 64. Those Magnificent Old Homes with land, privacy and Beauty. Close enough to the cities to not feel cut off, and far enough to be able to Scream and nobody calls the cops. In my mind this dream is a Farm House with a Butt-load of Land, several sheds and a barn or two. But no matter what it is or where it is - it is a HOME. It is a HOME for the Broken. Whether it be People, Animals, or things -- I want it ALL.

I want a place for the Discarded. I want to take in everyone and everything. I want a Home to share with others, a Safe Haven where they can take the time to heal. I don't want to be their therapist. I want to give them opportunities. People need different forms of Love and also different ways to Cope and Heal. I want to have them ALL. That is why I want Everything Broken. I want horses, cats and dogs. I want broken furniture, electronics and cars. Gardens and Music and Laughter! I want there to be a variety of methods to turn to when the Pain hits. And I want a Safe Place, a Haven, a HOME so that people can take the time and LET the Pain hit.

I want there to be a creek and trees to climb. I want there to be a motorcycle that needs to be rebuilt. I want gardens that need tending and food that needs cooking. I want there to be a violin that begs to be played and paper that is ready to bleed with paint. I want animals that will climb in your lap to cuddle and others that need someone who has the patience and focus to earn their trust. I want all this and more.

It will take time. I realize this. I will be a very old crazy, blind lady before this Dream were ever to see fruition, if it ever does. I do not know what kind of people I would take it. Kids, women, adults with severe mental disabilities? I don't know. But I have time. Right now I am still Growing. My skills are still Developing, my Passions are as well. This one started years ago, but the image I desire has clarified since then.

And I see it, as if in a dream from a movie. It will never be a large government facility. I do not want a shitload of rules and condescending counselors treating any in my Home as I have been treated. No. I want a much smaller scale than that. Much much smaller. I want to simply take in those God leads to me. I want to follow Him in this. I'm hoping it will start with fostering children. OneDay mind you. I do not want my own children, nor do I want to adopt. My strength is Helping others. My passion is in Healing. I do not have a Passion to Raise people myself.

A friend of mine once made a very wise comment that it is foolish to have children when you don't have a passion to raise them, because a Great Deal of that Passion will fade with the Difficulties of Raising them. The less you start with, the more likely it will be that you will end up resenting Parenthood. And I wholeheartedly agree. Maybe God will Inspire a Change in my Heart. But for now, my Passion is to help the Broken and Weary - of all ages. I DO want a family, I just don't need mine to be related by blood. I have a Church Family and I want to Extend THAT one. This is Far More Important to me than ANY other Passion of mine. And that is what my Fantastical Dream is. To make a Home and a Family out of the Broken and Downtrodden.

And so - if you look at this Dream of mine through my eyes....you will see an average size farm house sitting in the glow of the sunset - not Super Big, worn and loved by age. It has a light on in one of the windows and you can see a girl twirling and dancing to a faint, but clear melody. Another window, darkened and cracked shows two glowing eyes of a predator. They blink before they disappear as a cat slinks to the ground and stalks into the shadows of rusty confines of a Ford. Tools are littered everywhere and there is a glow near the engine. A closer look will reveal a pair of bare feet, smudged with dirt and grease, tapping in time to the music from the house. Looking past the car is a child, laden with vegetables. He stops with a query for the foot-tapper before continuing up the steps to the door and calling for help. A figure opens the door and rescues the child from losing it all to a moment of lost balance. After a moment, the rescuer steps onto the porch and whistles loudly that it's time to clean up before dinner. The foot-tapper fidgets a bit longer before squirming out from under the car. The music stops and the light goes out as the dancer joins the foray. Past the house you can see a barn, silhouetted by the brilliant colors of a setting sun. Two people emerge, racing towards the house with a dog yipping between them. They laugh when the dog trips up both of them and beats them up the steps to the door. You can hear a cacophony of laughter as they all sit down, the silence of Prayer and the Different Silence that can only be a Delicious Meal. And if you take one last look around at this Dream of mine you will see the Perfection only an Imagination can Attempt to Capture. Flowers in Full Bloom, the smell of Honeysuckle strong in the air, a cow moos in the distance and a horse whinnies in response. As the sun goes down - all the house lights snuff out one by one. Soon there is only the song of the cicadas and the spark of lightning bugs. You can almost hear those whispered words...And They Lived Happily Ever After. Well that's actually me shouting them out you. Yeah. There I am. The crazy lady dressed in hottpink with a cat on her lap. I'm there Rocking on the Porch, blind as a bat but staring right at you. Yeah. Well this is My Dream and so that is what you see :p There may or may not be an old man sitting next to me dozing off over a beer. I poke him to check.

The End

P.s. Evelyn - the character from a Certainly R-rated movie, Four Brothers, was the beginning of a glimmer of Clarity I found for my Dreams.

A Short Ramble on Emotions

I called one of my Besties crying my eyes out this afternoon. She listened and was encouraging, laughed in all the right places and agreed vehemently with my known final sobbing line of "And I Haaaate Cryyyyiiiiing!" And this was the segue to a Fantastic Conversation where I feel like I finally understand how Incomprehensibly Complicated it is to be a woman.

Did you know a woman gets one week out of the entire month for normal emotions? Maybe. ONE WEEK. If she's lucky and has the normal cycle for her period. Yeah. Count it off. We get pms(PRE-menstruation) where our emotions are magnified to an extraordinary degree. We get a week of bleeding and physical pain that effects our emotions. And the week after? That's a gal's fertile week and it causes a whole different range of complex emotions based on your body trying to get you pregnant. Then you get a week of "normalcy" before it all starts up again. Of course, every girl is different. An average cycle is every 28 days. Mine is looking to be 25, and I know a couple girls who are between 18 and 22. Do you realize how that effects us?! No. I Had NO Idea. I've gone so far as to Blow off doctor's about this, who insisted it was a big part of my struggles.

Because there's those of us who already have Intense Emotions. We struggle to handle them without going insane. The options are to numb them or learn to acknowledge them, pinpoint where they are coming from and then handle that shit. But when you have a basketball sized knot of Spiderwebs to untangle - the task is often Overwhelming! I wish I had submitted sooner to the idea that "I'm pmsing" isn't an excuse - it's a reason to help pinpoint where that seemingly irrational emotion just came from! And I never have!

I am SO Blown away by the simple fact that a woman's cycle is Complicated, it's Intense - and it's NOT talked about enough! I had NO Idea that I had specific days where my emotions were magnified, no matter what emotions they were. That things were more of a big deal then and why. I had NO Idea that girl's don't actually have a sex-drive until about 26 years of age, when their libido's take off! I thought I had one. I was SO Wrong. And we don't talk about that. Typically because women are either married or comfortable having sex while single. We talk to the boys about to handle the crazy that hits them as teens, but we never warn the girls what will happen to them in their 20s and 30s. Maybe because they'll be adults then and whatnot. I don't know. But it hit me like a truck and I have been SO Confused about why for the past 3 years.

Emotions are looked down upon, disregarded, treated as a disease or even a sin. We learn to hide our tears, to hush our laughter, to Calm the Storms inside us. NO. This should not be! We are Storms. We are His Perfect Storms! Embrace the emotions - Feel them - Encourage them in others! Shutting them down doesn't make them go away! It just pressurizes them until they explode - possibly killing you. What we need to do is to give them to God. To say - this is me. This is who You created me to be. Help me learn how to wield them Properly. And He will. I know He will! I have Faith because He has earned my Trust.

I shut my emotions down for too many years to know how to handle them properly. I opened that flood gate and was IMMEDIATELY Overwhelmed. But He has been working with me. The Flood of Noah's Ark is a great analogy to what happened to my mind the first year or two of really working on my DBT. And the waters still have not receded, but I have gotten that twig of Hope. Like the world, I know my mind will never be free of floods, of tornadoes and hurricanes. Not in this Lifetime.

But with God's help I am getting there. I am learning how to Live with them. Learning how to survive them. And of course - how to see the Beauty within them. Your emotions can wreck havoc on your own mind and the minds of others - but they can also do more than that. For emotions are not just Natural Disastors. They are the Rainbow after the Flood. They are the sunrise and sunset. They are the moon that kisses her cheek and the the stars that shine above. Emotions are Dangerous and Beautiful. We must learn to use them wisely.

I must learn to use them wisely.

And I will. Because I have faith. Because He has earned my Trust.

A Complete and Utter Ramble

Thought of the Moment:

If you do not have a Knight in Shining Armor willing to take the Fall for all your Fuckups, for all the sin in your Heart - you only really have two options. You can Embrace your sin - accept it, encourage it, even flaunt it. Or you start to hate yourself and quickly lose the will to live. From my Experiences: You will find mental facilities filled with the latter, while many people stuck in the service industry can be found in the former.

There are many reasons to "love your sin", but often it is simply a survival tool. If you have a struggle you cannot overcome, a thorn in the flesh - but no way to remove it - you can turn the Pain, into Pleasure. Maybe you are feeling lonely and there is this cutey at the bar who starts flirting with you, one thing leads to another and the night becomes wild, exciting and anything BUT lonely. And yet - the next morning you wake up, alone again, but now feeling more worthless than ever. So what do you do? Well, you can't apologize for it. You can't accept forgiveness. You can't move on. And why should you? You didn't do anything wrong. Everyone does it. It felt good. It was fun! I liked it. Anyways, it's just sex. It's not like I cheated on anyone. It's not like it effected anybody. Accept - it effected me. It effected me in several ways. On the one hand it gave me a Confidence I had lost. It raised my self-esteem and brought excitement to my life. What I didn't realize was that it was simultaneously draining me of those things.

It is not one moment that often brings a person down, it is a succession of many. It is a Slow Fade that you can often not even recognize. It can be any struggle. Maybe you accidentally took something from the store and didn't take the time to return it. They didn't even notice, it wasn't a big item. You did it again one day, because you were in a hurry and they forgot to ring it up. This time it was a small 70 dollar item and you were on a tight budget, so you were actually incredibly relieved. One thing leads to another and you shoving an item in your purse that you need and the store will never even miss, becomes routine. Then of course there's the children't story on lies. One white lie. That's how they usually begin the stories. But I would say it starts before that. It starts with exaggerating, over or under. It starts with silence when you ought to speak. You do not have to lie to lead someone away from the truth. Sin always starts small. It doesn't start with theft, it doesn't start with adultery, it doesn't start with murder. It starts sooner than that. And every time it happens, decisions are made and more doors open. You choose your path, although none of them lead towards God.

There are many reasons for sinning and as I've said many times - fewer people struggle with Pride than The Church realizes. No - most people are just trying to survive. If you've grown up in the Christian Community you will quite possibly have no idea what it's like to be Separated from God. To have a Void that sucks in Everything, a Blackhole that will eventually devour your soul. It can physically Hurt like a Bitch. And if you don't know how to fill it, if you are so accustomed to it, it's just apart of you - then you do what you can to save yourself. And so people throw in Everything and Anything that will fill that hole. The Bad and even The Good. For the Root of Sin is not any specific Fuckup - it is apart of our Human Nature. Now at least. We are born with an inability to Follow God, to turn to Him, to Praise Him and Him alone. We turn elsewhere.

The Root of Sin is not Pride. It is turning away from God, whatever the Reason. Mine of course, was Fear. It is Turning to Idols to save you. And this is what people do. They Subconsciously find whatever they can that will give them fulfillment in this life. Because YOLO. And to someone who does not know God - that really does make complete sense. You Only Live Life Once. And if you do not have Hope in Eternal Life in a Perfect World, without sin - you do what you can to make this Life Worth Living. This is why most people Embrace their sin. Not one specific act, but their Root sin of Saving Themselves. They Embrace their fuckups, they Flaunt their Faults, they take Pride in what makes them Worthless. Because what other option do they have? Without the Security Jesus gives us, you would only have one other option. The route I took. If you do not Embrace you sin - you lose the ability to Live. If you hate yourself, think you are Worthless and do Not cling to the idea that you can save yourself - then you will eventually end up Dead.

Of course - there is another way. The Way. But I did not include Him as an option for a reason. Because He's not one. And I'm not talking about Predestination, although there is that too. I realized recently that while for over a decade I needed God - I was not a position where I had access to Him. Yes - there are many churches out there and many Christians - and I did not Trust them. I Feared them. And with Valid Reasons. I tried several times to find answers in a church. Instead I was Mentally Beaten until I fled, vowing never to return. But every so often I tried again. It took a loooong time for God to create an opportunity where He reintroduced me to Christians that didn't drive me away. A wonderful group of people who helped me reevaluate my view of God. I often say Christians drive more people away from the Cross than draw people to it, because in my own Experiences and within the circles I frequented in the World - that is the consensus. You have to be a Brave Individual indeed to enter a Church alone. Many of my friends simply laugh and say "I'd rather burn in hell." And so Church is only an option for the Foolhardy.

I say these things tonight, not out of anger for once, but because if you really want to Help. If you really want to lead people to the Cross, to the answers they SEEK. Start by realizing they aren't necessarily operating out of a state of Pride. People operate out of Survival. That is what I'm trying to convey. You will not be able to help someone by attacking how they've learned to stay alive in this life. Do not take away their coping methods for the sin of this world and in their hearts before Giving them the only way to Fill the Void that is slowly, or quickly, killing them from the inside-out. If you go around ripping off the homemade bandages people are using to staunch their wounds when they still aren't ready to accept the healing powers of Christ - then you are doing Far more Harm then Good.

So many in this Society truly want to make a difference and many more just want to find a modicum of happiness. Every individual is unique and God will reveal Himself to them Individually. In the end - it's not about saving people. God has already done that and His Chosen will not be able to escape Him, even when you run away hella hard. He's the Knight in Shining Armor you just can't shake. We're all Damsels in Distress, and we each will accept that in our own way and in our own time. Sharing the Gospel - it's not about saving someone's soul. That's been Done already. It's about encouraging another to Follow God, in this Life. It's about Community and Fellowship. It's about helping others Live for Christ and find Rest in a World Full of Pain.

Salvation already came to Earth, and it's up to us to Spread that Good news. It's up to us to make more Christians, not saving them from hell - but that we may Bring Glory to God with our Praise together. And it's kinda hard to Bring Glory to God when you don't know much about Him. It's even harder when you are separated from Him. As Christians we are extolled to Spread the Word. But it seems less arduous and scary when you realize that the Saving has already been done. At this point - were just like, I dunno - bringing people together so our Pilgrim's Progress isn't so lonely. So that it's not as hard. The Pilgrim's on the Road before us can warn us about that deceptively "relaxing" field that will actually knock you out cold. There are many other problems that are insurmountable without teamwork. God is SO Big on Fellowship, on Community. Jesus is the Cornerstone and He supports us all. Because of Him the Church is formed by every brick, every individual, being cemented tightly together until we have become a Strong and Impenetrable Safe Haven.

The Church, Christians are not to go out and save the World. That's not our Responsibility, or even Possible. We are to go out and show the World Truth. We are to show them the Word. We are to show them Love. Because we are meant to go out and show the World GOD. The bricks have all been selected, but that doesn't mean they have all been laid or cemented together. This is what evangelism needs to be. We need to be focused on what we can do, not what is out of our powers as sinful individuals. So Encourage any and all, as you do not know who those Chosen are. Eventually God will lead each one to be cemented into The Church. Quite possibly He will use you to guide them, whether you even know it or not. He has done that many times through strangers with me. So watch your words and your actions. Ask yourself WWJD? Remember that you are not judge, juror and executor. You are to be one who Encourages. We are to encourage each other to Follow God and NO other. That is a task that belongs to any who call themselves a Christian.

I say all this, not just for any who listen, but for myself. Too often I sway from one Extreme to the other. One day All is for Naught and I am Completely Hopeless, not even Worth Saving - the next day The World itself is on my shoulders and if I stumble for even a moment, All that I know and Love will END. This is me - Crazy and I know it. But I am learning. I am learning to Accept. With this acceptance comes Growth. With Growth comes Understanding. Understanding then leads to the ability to Change. To Become more Christlike takes Time and Effort. You cannot do it alone and you cannot do it all at once. But fuck me - how I wish I could. But God is with me as I work on this long Process of Sanctification, as I strive to Follow Him and become more like Christ. He is here, giving me the Strength and Wisdom I need, as well as REST.

I never realized what Life could be like with Him by my side. He was not someone who I wanted help from. He was a Being to be Feared, someone who only cared for my soul - Nothing more. He did what He wanted, regardless of how it effected me. He was like a roman soldier - training me for battle. A battle he tossed me into before I was ready. I wasn't ready for War, but I never had a choice before I started having to fight for my life. I thought God was just some Brutal and Ruthless Commander - who cared nothing when placing a child on the front lines. If I was wounded - I was to suck it up and keep moving forward. It didn't matter if the wound was mortal. Because in the world I lived in for so long - God didn't care about his soldiers - He cared about winning. And I was just fodder for the enemy.

I spent more than half my life subconsciously believing this. And it took me a couple years before I even realized that this was my view of God. It took me a couple more to change it. Now I understand. God is All-Powerful. He is Mighty and Greatly to be Feared...by the enemy. But us, His Precious Children? No - we need not fear Him. And I know this not from Blind Faith. I have too many Deeply Ingrained Fears to be Overturned Easily. And God knew this. He knew the Image I had of Him when I did not and He took Time and Patience to Change it. He Earned my Trust over several years, even when I accused Him of my Pain through tears, screams and many expletives. He simply took my abuse as He continued to show me Love.

And as I sought Truth, with a Community to help me find it - my eyes started acclimating to a new kind of Sight. It was astonishing when I first saw God's Love in a waterfall. Then a rainbow. Birdsong and a sunrise. I saw Him in Nature first, but it didn't stop there. I found Him in songs and not just Christian ones :) I saw Him in "Luck" and in "Coincidences". I started seeing God in the Little Things. And that Changed my LIFE. He wasn't some General on a Hill shouting orders who didn't care about the foot soldiers dying all around him. God was there in the midst of the battle with us. He is the one warning me of the blow from an unseen enemy. He is the one shooting me a smile and a wink when I need an energy boost. He is the one I have at my back, guarding me in the heat of the action. But More! He is the one inbetween battles. He is the one making me laugh at dinner. He is the one making sure I get enough to eat and bed to sleep in. He is the one singing me a lullaby as I fall asleep and He is the one who holds me when the nightmares come. He is the one who will have coffee ready for me on the morning before we go into battle again. He is the one who arms me for it. He is my God, my savior, and my spirit. He is the Trinity and He did not send me into Battle. No, I was conscripted at birth. But He is the one who gets me through it. He is the one who makes it Worth It.

We all know the War was won, but the battles are not over. We must keep fighting. We fight against Sin. And we are unarmed without the Word. We are helpless to the Onslaught without Christ by our side. But God will not allow that. He sent His Son to save us. And the Spirit to Continue His work within us. So here I am, following God and learning His moves. I am training to be a Warrior and I've got the Best Teacher EVER. Better than even Mister Miyagi ;) He teaches me and encourages me and connects me with his other students. And now I am no longer alone in this War. I am at the Front Lines with my friends yelling "Freeeeeeedooooooom!!!" I am a Brave Soldier for Christ. I am a Harely Quinn who has Jesus as my Puddin' and a bat for His enemies.

I am not happy about this War. There is no cause for Joy in the Suffering that is the Byproduct of Sin entering the World. But I truly do believe that you can find Joy in the midst of a battle - as long as you can find God. And He's there, right by my side. It can be hard to turn to Him for comfort and encouragement when the Battle has been Particularly Fierce. Wounded and bleeding, tired and barely able to keep your eyes open - focusing on anything isn't easy. And as humans - it is in our nature to NOT want to focus on God. To turn Away from Him. But you don't even need to do this. If you are tired, call to Him. He has better than SuperSonic hearing. He will come to you. He will hold you and give you HIS Strength. And then you can open your eyes once more and you can focus on the Reason for The Season. The Reason for Life. The Reason for Being. And more. We can find Joy, Hope, Kindness, Comfort, Security, Peace, LOVE - all this in more you can find when you focus your eyes on Him. When you call out to Him. He is there and you are His. You will be injured in these battles, but He will NEVER let you be taken by the enemy. He is a jealous God and we are His. I take Great Comfort in that. I hope you do as well.

My thoughts on this continue, but my ability to be coherent is steadily being lost as sleepiness sets in. I have no idea why I started writing anymore or half of what I said at this point, but I will Post it and maybe others can find some merit in the words I have written this eve. Gnight Friends. With my Imperfect Love and God's Unfailing, Wonderful, Glorious, Magical, AwesomeSauce Love. Oh Golly Day - I see my tiredness clearly now. Welp. I am all about Embracing my Insanity. I am a Jesus Freak and quite Proud of that. So Boom Baby and Good Night Charlie Brown!

The Perfect Storm

I am not pretty - I am dirty.

I am not sweet - I give scorn.

I am not thoughtful - I am angry.

I am not kind - I am worn.

I am broken and silent and hurting.

I laugh as I cry and I scream.

I am not an Untouched Flower.

But I am the Perfect Storm on the Sea.

I am not good.

I am not worth it.

I should never even have been born.

I am Nothing and I know it.

So - Why?

Because He Loves me.

Because He cares.

Because He sees what I cannot.

And He Rescued me Unaware.

He sees beneath the bullshit.

He sees beneath the grime.

He sees through all my disguises,

To the Pearl deep down inside.

He sees me Struggle,

He Knows my Pain,

He hears my cries for Mercy,

Even when I curse His Name.

I am not pretty - I am used.

I am not sweet - I am torn.

I am not thoughtful - I am wretched.

I am not kind - but I've been Reborn.

I am Broken and Silent and Hurting.

I Laugh as I Cry and I Scream.

I am not an UnTouched Flower,

But I am the Perfect Storm in the Sea.

I am not Good - but He is.

Because of this, I am Worth more than Rubies.

Because of this, I can Praise His Name and say;

I am Nothing without my God and Savior,

And I would like to keep it that way.

He Saved me from utter destruction,

He Saved me from my Pain,

He Saved my from more than Death,

He Gave me a Reason to Stay.

I would Die for my God, but more.

I would Live for Him as well.

I stay here not for you, nor for me,

Nor to keep myself from hell.

I stay because He told me to,

I stay because I'm free,

I stay because He wants me here,

I stay because I'm me.

I am not pretty - I am Precious.

I am not sweet - I am Forlorn.

I am not thoughtful - I am Growing.

I am not kind - I am being Formed.

I am broken and silent and hurting.

I laugh as I cry and I scream.

I am not an Untouched Flower.

But I am the Perfect Storm on the Sea.

I am not pretty - I am Beloved.

I am not sweet - I am More.

I am not thoughtful - I'm Crazy.

I am not kind - I am the Perfect Storm.

I am His Perfect Storm.

*<3*

Thank You my Lord

REST

So a friend of mine posted a quote by J. Douma yesterday and I liked it quite a bit, to the point where I looked it up. It was in a book entitled "An Introduction to Biblical Ethics" which makes sense as this guy is a youth pastor and all that jazz. Anyhoot. I came across an even more thought provoking idea that had me quite Excited honestly. The author of this book, David Jones - was taking the time to go though each of the Ten Commandments, bringing forth a variety of ideas I had not heard before and I got quite consumed in interest. And I got to the Fourth Commandment. Now - I could not have even told you which this was. Indeed - I had to go back and look as I had scanned over it too fast. Just fyi, er rather fmi, it's the commandment to keep the Sabbath Day Holy. And here's where my interest spiked...

"Interestingly, the primary meaning of the term Sabbath is not 'seven' but 'rest.' The term is derived from the Hebrew verb shabath which means 'to rest or to cease from labor.' Because God rested on the seventh day of creation, the word Sabbath in Hebrew came to be used for the number seven. The fourth commandment specifies that this Sabbath rest was to be observed every seventh day. In the Old Testament the concept of Sabbath-keeping, or regular resting in order to worship, was deeply entrenched in the life of God's people."

Dude y'all! Do you see how Big of a Deal this is? The application found in here that is not subconsciously realized by SO Many?! The idea that REST is not to be once a week - but Sunday is actually the Ultimate Day to Rest. The Big Celebration of Rest if you will. Y'all - they even did this Every Seven Years! Yeah - it was called the Sabbath Year. And every seven cycles of this Sabbath Year - Guess what that was called? Um - the Jubilation Year, yo! Totally mind-blowing. Heard that term Many times, never knew it was like the Ultimate Party, Celebrating REST.

I'm reading this and my mind keep ramping. Why? Because a sin that has been passed down from generation to generation, even since World War II at least - is that idea that Idleness is of the Devil. That you are not Honoring God unless you are Productive. And of course, this is another one of those Lines in Life. You can sin by taking either the Extremes. Laziness and Sloth are not Pleasing to God or anyone. But did you ever consider that it is actually a SIN to not let yourself BREATHE? Oh - I sure as hell didn't. And this is the reason it's Revolutionary to me.

I Know for a Fact I'm not the only one who feels Massive Guilt when taking time for myself. When I'm being "selfish" by taking a nap instead of doing the dishes, or reading instead of the dozens of errands that "should" have been done that day. Do I really need to waste water by taking a bath that's solely for Relaxation? And the Worst - sitting on the porch, not even playing with the kittens; just staring blankly into space, lazily thinking about nothing that actually matters. How could I not have guilt over that?! The Ultimate form of Laziness!

But NO.

It is NOT.

While I would say Every Single Person struggles with Every Single Sin, we also do it to varying degrees. Even if you tend to an extreme with one sin, humans are fickle and contradictory - you will have times where the opposite extreme is hard as well. I know I do. It's a pain in the ass. And so, while I definitely can be quite lazy at times, it's not a struggle that I am often convicted of. However - an inability to take a moment to Breathe? To REST? Yes - that is Most Definitely a Transgression of mine.

But maybe you wonder Why? Why is it a sin to Work, when the work you do is Good? Why is it a sin to Constantly be doing Good? Well - the answer is within that question. You are not GOD. We are human, filled with sin, Imperfect and Broken Individuals - All of us. You simply cannot Follow God up or Down the Cliff's of Insanity without Tiring. How many times have I said our Pilgrim's Progress will not be easy? Not just mine - but Every One of God's Children. Yeah - it SUCKS, but it's TRUE. We are to Follow God, no matter how Treacherous, no matter how Difficult. And we are to REST as well.

And maybe you're thinking, but my work - it's not Treacherous or Difficult. It fills me with such Joy, how could I possibly tire? Ok. Seriously? Yeah - you're Life's work may be Joyful, but that doesn't go hand-in-hand with a ceaseless abundance of energy. There is NO Direct Correlation between joy and energy. I've actually found quite the opposite. I get a bit narcoleptic-like for a variety of reasons. One of which is when my emotions peak - Particularly, Joy. I do. I conk for like 15 minutes, like my mind is a compute that was overloaded and needs to be restarted, which is essentially what is happening. So maybe you're currently Following God through a Sea of Tranquility. That STILL does not negate His Commandment to REST.

And I've thought about this further as it is a subject often broached in my therapy sessions. It is well-known that I don't give myself a Break of any kind. While my outward appearances often look unproductive - my mind is Rarely still and Constantly Trying to Work. Indeed, it is working now to Understand that it's Allowed to just - Stop. Not sure if this will help yet or not, but one can Hope. I've learned to let my body rest, but my mind does not listen to me. It's rather like a cat, it will do what I want, when it wants to, and Certainly Not if I try to command it. Yeah - I love cats, but I do not wish for one that controls my thinking.

So this Rest - it's to give yourself a Chance to clear your thoughts, to Breathe. You are to Rest, in Order to Worship. I mean, what would happen if you went 48 hours without sleep? Perhaps you wouldn't be hallucinating, but try going 72 hours. Ok, up that. Go a week without sleep and see how "Productive" you actually are. Same with Spiritual Rest. God gave us a Basic Principle to Live by. While a Basic Principle for Sleep is 8 hours a night; God is saying you need a Spiritual Rest of 24 hours - once a week, declared as Sunday. Without at least this much - you will start to go bonkers after a while.

But what does Spiritual Rest look like? That, my dear - is not in a formula, or even a Blog Post. It will be different for every individual. I will tell you - I often call mine a Date. A Date with God, my BigMan. It's times where I follow Him out and about, never really knowing where I'll end up or why - but when I get there - I cannot even Describe the Beauty I have found. I have sat on the edge of a private pond late at night, the moon high in the sky, the stars brightly reflecting on the dark surface of the water, as the sounds of birds, fish, frogs and chickadees sang to the Heavens - culminating in a solo performance by a shooting star. I returned to Home that night with a Heart full of Wonder and Excited with what God had in store for me.

Because that is what Rest is all about. There are many reasons to lack a Passion for Christ, but one of those reasons can certainly be if you're not taking time to Rest. And maybe you're not the kind who likes to cozy up on a bed of moss beneath a tree. There are other ways to Rest. You can go to the movies, the library, the mall even. You can be by yourself or with friends. Like I said, there is no formula for Rest; which can make it difficult to know how to do so. I suggest this - Follow God and Experiment. If you come away with, what we called at camp as a "Jesus High" - that's an Excellent Indication you found one of the variety of ways you can Spiritually Rest.

Of course, they can be fickle. What can be Rest one day, will not necessarily be the next. Best to keep experimenting. And Sunday, being the Ultimate Day to Rest is the Best Day to Experiment. Find what helps to Renew your Passion for Christ and then Regularly Practice this, throughout the week. And then on God's Day - Go all out. Rest your Ass Clean Off!  Do not let yourself Spiritually Tire. Once a week - you must renew. And while you Must Follow God and Honor Him with how you Rest. Don't for a second believe you must do it the way Everyone else does it. No - I don't always go to the service and regularly miss Sunday School. Because Sunday is God's Day, not The Church's. You are Not to Follow your family, or friends, or even your pastor - you are to Follow GOD. And while they may be one and the same, not always are they. Remember that. It's Important.

And with that, my mind is Spent. Perhaps I, myself will Practice Resting today. The weathermen have rumored it to be a rather Beautiful Day - perhaps I'll go for a workout. Yes - that is often one of my forms of Rest. How could it not be with the Beautiful Greenways and Art practically littered about Cary? It's Marvelous! Have a Good Day my Friends. Indeed - Have a God Day.

A Rambling Plea

No. No. No. I’m tired of Prettiness being All that and a Box of Chocolate. I friggin love dressing up! I love getting all dolled up and feeling Beautiful and even Sexy! What I hate is how people react. There are very few people who I enjoy a compliment about my looks. Very very few people. And NO - don’t give me that shit. I KNOW what it feels like to Be UGLY. I was. And not because of my weight. But because on top of around 300 pounds I also was Severely Depressed and Anxiety Ridden. I was haggard, worn and Miserable. I didn’t like myself, had Zero Confidence and Simply wanted to Die. Yeah - I was fucking UGLY.

Now? Now I want to Live - like Truly Live. Live for God. Following Him is fucking hard, but my looks have transformed in this Pilgrim’s Progress. And those are the Compliments I LOVE. Because they have nothing to do with me, but with God. They aren’t shallow or superficial, but meaningful. But compliments on my weight? Worthless to me. I’m sorry if you’ve done this and are now reading - but it’s the Truth. I LOATHE Compliments on my weight. I take them with a thank you, because the person is being kind. But I ABHOR them. Why?

Because I truly believe you have your priorities Incredibly Screwed up to think a person’s WORTH is based on their weight. I’m not saying that my friends and family who compliment me necessarily think this. But the majority of people who I come into contact with in The World and in The Church - DO. They don’t know this, but I have been on both ends of the Extreme. As an adult my weight has fluctuated Drastically Several times. I have been below 100 pounds and over 200 enough times I have more stretch marks than the average mother - and that is NOT an exaggeration.

And do you know what I learned? I was worth more: my opinion, my attention, my company, etc. These were all sought after whenever I was skinny. When I was Big? No, people assumed I must not be doing well. I must be depressed to be that big. And while that was often true, it struck me dumb when I realized that people had a tendency to think I was doing WELL when I dropped weight. How Clueless are people? Let me clue you in on something that is Incredibly Basic but often brushed off as UnImportant. I, and many others - eat when depressed. Yeah - I know you know that. Second half of this BASIC, but IMPORTANT Knowledge - People who Struggle with Severe Anxiety - Cannot Eat. Not WILL NOT. CANNOT. Do you Understand? You say you do, but how come I get jokes about how “Well I’d rather not be able to eat than overeat.” Fuck That. Fuck that society has conditioned people to make such a flippant and callous “joke”. Do you realize how fucked up that is? I’m not a girl who is bragging that she missed a meal through a mock complaint. Do you know what it’s like to live with constant nausea? If you’re a mother - there’s a good chance you do. Why the hell would you joke that you want that?! I FUCKING Hate it! To be hungry but also nauseous! To eventually have eaten so little you stop being hungry alltogether, just nauseous at the thought of eating. Do you know what happens then? Not only do you lose the weight from extra fat cells, but also your muscle. I couldn’t pick up a plate of food at a restaurant to serve at table, I had lost so much of my muscle. I didn’t do drugs then, or even drink - I was too nauseous to do either of those either. And then I started shaking, constantly. It never stopped. A constant tremor that I could turn into a party trick simply by showing people my palms relaxed. You could see the outline of EVERY Single one of my ribs. My spine looked like something you would find in the Science Museum on display. And let me remind you that this isn’t anorexia, which is a whole different problem. This is Extreme Anxiety after a couple months. And nausea is only one of the many symptoms of course. Suicide Attempts will follow not long after it gets this severe. Another difference between the underlying causes for overeating and undereating in many cases similar to mine. Depression to an Extreme will be easy to be seen, although rarely understood. Anxiety - people can’t see it or understand it. Depression to an Extreme had me in bed for 6 months. Dropping out of school, quitting my job, just laying in bed, day after day. Just waiting for the end. Wishing you could fall asleep and never wake up. Anxiety - it doesn’t work the same. There are Many Unhealthy Coping Methods for Anxiety to get you through the day looking “Normal”. Physical Pain topping the list. They will also eventually get you killed. No - cutting may be safe if you do it right, but that’s not what I’m saying. Because it’s a Temporary Fix. Believe me. I never cut, because I knew how much I would crave it. But I had my own outlets in the realm of physical pain. And mine left deeper scars than cutting can. Severe Anxiety is Caused by Fucking Deep-Ass Pain. Unhealthy Coping methods are like those movies where an accident happens and someone rips off their shirt to put pressure on a mortal wound. You are Dying...from the inside-out. You need more than pressure and someone’s T-shirt.

Anxiety is NOT Something to Fucking Joke about. And while I don’t blame people for being unable to see my anxiety, when I have Perfected the Craft of Hiding it. Although - God has been Slowly Guiding me to Trust People to let it show, which SUCKS. I cannot tell you how hard it has been to be doing SO POORLY. To Be Constantly Anxious that I am Physically Ill. To be barely holding it together and it’s starting to show in my weight-loss. To have someone come up to me and I am concentrating so hard on smiling, on getting through the day and then to have them say compliment my looks and if they know me, they typically add that their glad I’m doing “So Well.” That. That is when I want to flee. That moment when weight goes hand-in-hand with my worth. Oh - you didn’t make that leap? People who aren’t “Doing Well” aren’t worth anything. Didn’t you know that? If you’re not a Productive Member of Society than you misewell just kill yourself now. Oh don’t worry - God didn’t let me die no matter how many times I caved to this perpetuated social norm.

I am SO SICK of people thinking they are Better than others. I am BEYOND Exhausted Dealing with the Pride SO Prevalent in The Church. Everyone has faults and I HATE my own. But thinking you’re better or worth more than another just makes me ILL. If you think a person’s Worth is measured by their weight, by their college degree, career choice, type of addiction aka. Idol, their wardrobe, age, Life Choices - You. Are. A. FOOL. Oh Hell Yes - I am often a Fool. I do not deny this. I accept it with eagerness. I mean - if I had an idiotic notion that I wasn’t - Christ wouldn’t be able to fix me. I KNOW I am Broken. But God is making me anew. He is Transforming me each and every day. Even though the sin in my heart, in the hearts of other and even the world - is Constantly damaging the Masterpiece He once designed me to be. And yet - He keeps working. The Never-ending project of my Soul. He watches as I smash a Beautiful Piece of my own Soul, that He Designed, in Rage. But what does He do? He stands stalwart as I beat Him with my fists, until my anger turns to Pain. And then He holds me close as I begin to sob. How often have I fallen asleep in His arms from just this scenario? Lulled to sleep by the Reminder that He will Never Leave me. He will Never Forsake me. I can’t run away from Him. I can’t even run Him off. I’m stuck with Him, no matter how little I deserve it. Because nobody does. No matter who you are or where you are in Life - NOBODY Deserves to be saved. Nobody is Worth More. I don’t know why He picked me - but I thank You GOD that You did. And this is what I Plead. Of You and others. Let people see the Beauty of God in me. Please. I do not appreciate the body you gave me as I should, and for that I am sorry. But I Beg of You. Let my Worth be seen through other gifts you have given me. Not that one. Please. I want to enjoy the idea that I may be pretty. And right now - I simply don’t. Please.

Fake It Till You Make It

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Another Ramble on Men, Women and Our Minds

I just realized something. So - we know men and women are different. Yes - there are exceptions, but there are general things that can be blanketed over a group of peoples. It’s easiest to explain this way. So while Girls can Compartmentalize. Guys do it Super Well. And of course - Exceptions. While we often get caught up in arguing about whether people’s minds are different or not, I do not think we take the time to truly understand how, that we can better interact with others. In my case - when it comes to mental stuff - I am a cliche girl on steroids. Anxiety, over-thinking, sensitive, seemingly dramatic - these are all normal part of being a girl. Now take your worst anxiety and triple it - you have me in an average minute.

There are many like me, but we are not average whatsoever in this category, among others. Because of this - the mind has come to fascinate me. Learning how mine differs from others is Super Exciting as it is Incredibly Helpful in Relationship Quandaries. Conflict springs up betwixt any two people, but it can be high-nigh impossible to settle if you are unable to understand why it exists. Often people simply cannot because they are unable to communicate the differences that they are upset over. Often they cannot communicate, because they never took the time to be introspective and understand why they themselves think the way they do, so they sure as hell haven’t taken the time to understand why another person may think differently. One of the Biggest Components of DBT(Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) is just this. I have taken, and still take - a Hella Amount of Time to figure out WHY I think the way I do. Why others think the way they do. And then how to interact in a Healthy Way when Conflict arises using this information.

Anyone can tell you Communication is Key in Relationships. And it’s Easy to see why. As soon as we are born we start evolving and devolving. No Two minds are born the same OR nurtured the same. By a Very Young Age each of our minds are Drastically Different than each others. There are average areas and norms, but every one of us is unique with our own strengths and failings. If you walk around assuming others think they way you do - you’re not gonna have a lot of friends. It’s a very wise idea to take time to see how you think and also how that differs from others. I once was forced to do this to regain my sanity. Now it has become a passion. Particularly that of men and women - as it is the most drastic of differences in the two largest Norms.

I was thinking of compartmentalization and the Nothing Box, of course. It STILL BOGGLES MY MIND that guys can think about NOTHING. I can’t! I WAS that girl that would ask a guy “whatchya thinking about?” And when he replied “nothing.” I assumed he just didn’t want to tell me. Drove me Bonkers! I NEVER considered the possibility that they actually weren’t thinking of anything, because in my mind - that in NO WAY is or ever has been Possible! And this did cause more than a few conflicts. Ever since I learned about the “Nothing Box” - Thank you Mark Gungor! Well - it was life altering! I don’t get mad at guys for lying to me anymore - because I realize - they aren’t! And that led me to more revelations. Do you know that guys need to figure some stuff out often by NOT talking about it?! I know - SO Weird!

But back to compartmentalization. Guys do this well. Girls really don’t. And I don’t think we often take the time to applicably consider this idea. Because - I think it often LOOKS like a girl is Compartmentalizing. So a guy is at work - he’s at work, working. Unless his work is interrupted - he’s probably not going to think about home stuff. A guy is cool in that when he can be completely focused and present in what he’s doing, so long as he’s not distracted. In my experience - Engineers reign in this area. But girls - we don’t operate that way. We may LOOK like we’re completely present. But - were often not. We’re multi-tasking. 24/7. There are no compartments. We’re watching a movie and thinking about a friend who broke up with her boyfriend and that maybe I should give her a call. Did I switch the laundry earlier? Oh, I don’t want to grocery shop tomorrow - we’ll just eat leftovers for dinner. Oh that shirt looks good at that character - I wonder if I can find it for a reasonable price? Oh no - did I hear my husband cough - there’s something going around, I hope he’s not getting sick. I’ll make him drink some of granny’s syrup later. Should I take a melatonin soon so I’ll be sleepy by the time this is over?

And while we are thinking all this and a bazillion other thoughts - we’re enjoying the movie, laughing, crying, screaming in terror(I don’t know what you watch). We can be fully present, our minds can just multi-task at very high-levels. This also often causes us to be less-focused than a guy and often cause us to look random and/or crazy. Particularly if an unrelated thought becomes emotional. One minute we’re playing a board game and the next we’re crying about that mean thing you said last week. Our minds - they don’t stop or go in a logical way. Some minds may be more organized and less jumpy than others, but in general girls tune out the unrelated bits. Or - try to. If a girl is stressed, but has a job to do, she’s still stressed - she’s just doing her best to tune out the stress. This is also why girls develop Skillfully Detailed Masks. Because a girl can’t put her stress away in a box so she can hostess. No - she just tunes it out the best she can, which tends to only work for very small stressors, like “Will people be able to find the place alright?” Big stressors, like a huge fight with a husband right before everybody arrives? Yeah - Mask. Firmly in Place. Make it through the night before you break down. And the Entire Party is now devoted to getting through it without people seeing that all you are now thinking about is the hurtful things that were said.

So yeah - girls do want to talk about it “Right NOW!” Because they have stuff to do - they have a life to live. And No - we don’t want to stress about something any longer than we absolutely have to. We don’t have an on/off switch for our thinking or our worries. We can’t put them a box, labeled neatly to go through at will. 24/7 our thoughts have access to us - many times without our permission. I feel like men can control their minds, while us women - many times just can’t. We only learn how to cope with them. How to handle them when they’re being a pain in the ass, which is Always.


I don’t know if this will be helpful for anyone, but writing it sure as hell was for me. So next time you wonder why a girl is acting a bit odd - there’s a good chance she’s stressed about something, or many somethings, and her mask is slipping. OneDay we won’t need masks, but in this day and age - society does not allow for that. You won’t keep a customer service job if you cannot perfect the “Barbie Smile.” And even with Good Friends - Eeyore is not a companion you want to invite to shindigs. I’m thankful I have friends who enjoy when I am Real. But they are a Rare find. Nobody’s perfect and there is NO Such Thing as a “True Friend”. Everyone fucks up and you will not only be hurt by a friend - but will hurt a friend. Even by accident. You want to find a True Friend, one who is Perfect and NEVER Hurts you? Grab a Bible and read the New Testament. But aside from Jesus, you’re gonna have to learn to deal with Imperfections in humans. Not to mention your own. Yeah - it sucks. Believe me - I get that. Where’s my damn Easy Button?


Oh - and this is what happens when I’m reading a book and smell cookies. If you’re confused - EXACTLY. My mind multi-tasks at the Speed of Light on Steroids. Good luck following my white rabbit.

P.s. Besides adding a few paragraph breaks - I don't feel like reading this over or editing it. Yeah - well. I'm tired and I have a headache. I'm sure you will survive. And at least some of you can shut your brain down when you're done and give it a rest. Don't take that shit for granted. Also - a cat without a grin is easy to be seen, but if you see a grin without a cat - well then...there's a good chance you're a lot like me.

Two Extremes

versefirst

It feels good to do good doesn’t it? But what about the times when doing the right thing hurts us? You treat someone with kindness and they’re rude in return. You speak up for a mistreated person or group and end up losing your reputation. 

Throughout history people have endured violence, arrest, imprisonment and worse for standing up for what’s right. Figures like Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr and Mother Teresa stand out as icons of doing good, no matter the cost. 

This beatitude encourages us to keep on doing good, whatever the cost. And to believe that doing the right thing is more important than any opposition we may face.

#versefirst #lightrevolution#thelightrevolution #beatitudes #nlt#justice #blessed #serveoneanother#radicallove #faith #jesus#christiancreative#30daysofbiblelettering #instapray#goodnewsfeed #hereadstruth #life

We are called to Follow God and to treat others as He would. Even if we are mistreated in return, we are to be kind. Even if we lose our reputation in a world where this easily happens when Standing up for what is Right. And this includes your friends, your family. This includes our CHRISTIAN friends and family. The Church may be built on the Cornerstone, but is comprised of sinners until the day we are Freed from sin. They will Mess up -- BigTime. Because we ALL do. Even church can become an idol, particularly if you insist on seeing the people within as those who can do no wrong. We may be set apart by God, but we are NO Better than ANYONE. If you are unwilling to grasp that - God will be having a Serious sit-down with you in the future. Do what is Right and Good. Ask #WhatWouldJesusDo? Follow God, when in the World AND sitting in the pew at church. No matter the Cost. God warns us the Path of Righteousness is NOT easy. It's Hella Hard. If you're Life is all Fun and Games, you may want to Question if you have your Priorities in Order.

And if you're on the Opposite End of this Spectrum. If you Struggle to let yourself Relax, just for a Moment, because There is SO Much to DO. I mean, cause...How can I Relax when I still need to call them, write that email, finish this paperwork, take the car there, the dog/cat/child needs this, my Entire house is a Disaster, Oh I feel a Headache building, I should probably eat something today, but I can do that after that appointment. Maybe - I need to stop and pick that thing up first, oh my gosh I forget his/her Birthday is next week. I need to get that too. If the car makes it. It sounded iffy this morning. I guess I should get it looked at. I can probably squeeze that in before the party tonight. Shoot - I have to get that ingredient for the dish I promised I'd make. I should have just offered to just bring the soda. No, it's cool. If I just rearrange those two, I can squeeze in some baking. Oh, but I forgot I have to drop that off! Today was the last day I can! Well - the party isn't formal. I can cut out time if I just do basic makeup, nix the shower in favor of dry shampoo. Oh wait - we were talking about time to Relax? Um. Yeah - No. I don't think that's gonna work. My Life already IS Hella Hard. I don't need to make it harder by trying to squeeze in Relaxation. It's gonna be Hard Enough finding time to have a Breakdown Later.

Yeah - SweetHeart. Breathe. If you're the type who Struggles more with allowing yourself a Break. I still Recommend a sit-down with God. But - ask Him for Help. People who tend towards this Extreme often have a Hard Time thinking they don't have to DO it ALL. That Life and Death of their hominee, children, friends, the World - rests on their shoulders. Not necessarily out of Pride either. A lack of Trust is NOT always rooted in Pride. But be aware that when you don't or can't allow yourself room to Breathe - you're not Giving Everything to God. When you give Him charge of your schedule - I know from Experience He's really Great about penciling in Times of Rest. But that will mean giving up Control. And from a Gal who has Worshiped Control on the Alter of Fear - and still Has a Friggin Hella Hard Time giving it up - I'll tell you that it won't be Easy. If I could get Easy Buttons for Everyone for Christmas I Totally would.

Life is not meant to be Easy. But it also isn't meant to Drive you to Insanity. There is an Inbetween to these Extremes. And No Matter which way you lean, for nobody walks the Lines of Life with Perfect Balance except our One and Only Savior -- and whether you lean one way or the other, or fluctuate in your attempt to Follow God, to act as Jesus and Find that Perfect Balance on Life's tight rope. In the End -- it's not a TightRope after all. It's just another Battle in a War that is Already WON. So while we do have to keep Fighting for God. While we DO have to Ask "What Would Jesus Do?" and look to Him with how to Find Balance. While Becoming a Christian does NOT mean God will Snap His Fingers and POOF - all your sin and Heartache is now Gone. We have more than HOPE. We have Assurance. We have God Almighty's Promise that there is an End to this Madness and then we can Go HOME.

When you get Overwhelmed with the Day to Day -- Remember the BigPicture. Our Story is not over yet, but the Ending is Already Written. And Spoiler Alert: It's a Happy Ending :)

A Letter and A Prayer

Open Letters That Matter

When I was six years old, I gave my first bl*wjob.“It’s a game”, said He. “Don’t you want to play?”

It was too big, and I threw up on him.
He said I’d do better the next time.

When I was seven years old, I watched a group of fellow second graders cheer as a boy in my class tried to kiss me. He hugged me from behind, giggling all the while.
I threw sand in his eyes, and was sent to the Principal.

When I was eight years old, I had an elderly teacher ask me to stay behind in class. He carried me on his shoulders, and called me pretty.
“Teacher’s Pet!” my friends declared, the envy visible on their faces.
They ignored me at lunch that day.

When I was nine years old, an older girl on the school bus would ask me to lift my skirt up for her. She was pretty and kind, and told me that I could only be her friend if I did what she said.
I wanted to be her friend.

When I was ten years old, a relative demanded that he get a kiss on the cheek every time we met. He was large and loud, and I proceeded to hide under my bed whenever I learnt that he was visiting.
I was known as a rude child.

When I was eleven, my auto-man told me that we would only leave if I gave him a hug every day.
He smelled like cheap soap and cigarettes.

When I was twelve years old, I watched as a man on the street touched my mother’s breast as he passed us. She slapped him amidst the shouts of onlookers telling her to calm down.
She didn’t calm down.

When I was thirteen years old, I exited a restaurant only to see a man visibly masturbating as he walked towards me. As he passed, he winked lasciviously.
My friends and I shifted our gazes down, aghast.

When I was fourteen, a young man in an expensive car followed me home as I walked back from an evening class. I ignored his offer to give me a ride, and I panicked when he got out, only to buy me a box of chocolate that I refused. He parked at the end of my road, and didn’t go away for an hour.
“It turns me on to see you so scared.”

When I was fifteen, I was groped on a bus. It was with a heart full of shame that I confided in a friend, only to be met with his anger and disappointment that I had not shouted at the molester at the time when it happened. My soft protests of being afraid and alone were drowned out as he berated my inaction. To him, my passiveness and silence were the reasons why things like this continue to happen.
He did not wait for my response.

When I was sixteen, I discovered that Facebook had a section of inbox messages named ‘others’, which contained those mails received from strangers, automatically stored as spam. Curious, I opened it to find numerous messages from men I had never seen before. I was propositioned, called sexy, asked for nudes, and insulted.
Delete message.

When I was seventeen, I called for help as a drunken man tried to sexually harass me in a crowded street.
The people around me seemed to walk by quicker.

At eighteen, I was told that sexism doesn’t exist in modern society.
I was told that harassment couldn’t be as bad as us women make it out to be.
That I should watch what I wear.
Never mind you were six, never mind you were wearing pink pajamas.
That I should be louder.
But not too loud, a lady must be polite.
That I should always ask for help.
But stop overreacting, there’s a difference.
That I should stay in at night, because it isn’t safe.
You can’t get harassed in broad daylight.
That I should always travel with no less than two boys with me.
You need to be protected.

That it can’t be that hard to be a girl.

I am now nineteen years old.
I am now tired.

By Anonymous
Artwork by Mayka

Eloquent, Heartbreaking and for those many who are Blind to the World - Very, very Common. This does not shock me - I have heard this life story from hundreds of women, all with their own unique, sickening twists. I also have my own horror stories. Very few women have the luxury of fearlessness in the day-to-day. I am working on giving my fears to God - but that doesn't mean I am safe. It just means that when I get hurt - He has promised to Heal me.

God doesn't promise our hearts, mind and bodies won't Break in following Him. In fact - He warns us that they will. But He does promise to make us anew every morning. Every Moment of Every Day God is putting together the pieces that have been Broken. He is making us into the Most Beautiful Masterpieces - the likes I cannot even Imagine. And although my heart is still broken, my mind is still shattered - and people are constantly stomping on the pieces - or I am throwing them across the room in Rage. He is God. He owns my very Soul and Guards it with His Life. Sacrificed His Son's Life to Save it.

He's basically Santy Clause on Heavenly Steroids. Despite how much work there is to do to in a limited amount of time, He is easily able to keep up. And He ends up being Ahead of Schedule too! I swear I would NOT have believed you last year if you described who I am today. And so - Life becomes a Cha-Cha: I'm dancing across the Ballroom - Two steps Forward and One step Back. Slowly, but surely - I will make it through this Life.

I don't ask God for much. And I Certainly do NOT ask Him for something as Naive as General Safety. My Number One Prayer Request is that He reminds me why this Life is Worth It. I ask Him to Prove to me why I should care when it's Rough. And He does. Every Time. He doesn't have to - but He does :') And that is Enough. You can go through Anything when He answers a Prayer like that. Thank You my Lord.

Thank You for Your Faithfulness to a Scared, Weak, Rebellious girl - who, like so many others - is often Tired. Tired of this Game called Life. You give me the Strength to not only Survive it - but to even begin to Enjoy it. I never asked for that. Never expected that to even be attainable. But you saw not only what I needed - but also what I wanted.

Now I cannot Imagine how anyone who has You as their Savior - could possibly want anyone but You to be in control of their life! How do we - How do I - so often forget that you have me covered?! Don't let me forget Lord. Even if it hurts - don't let me forget why I need You. Why I love You. Don't let me run away EVER Again. Don't let me even want to! I beg You Lord, let me Live for You and Only You, all the Days of this Life.

Amen

<3 Not the End of a Prayer - simply a Pause between Prayers <3

It's Science

So I've been thinking. Yes yes - Dangerous. But also Inevitable. I mean - I'm always thinking. 24/7 - remember? But this thinking, it's been a concept in my mind - a concept without words. That happens daily, if not hourly.I have so many thoughts and several times a day one of the through processes that has been ruminating for months, or years - comes to fruition. Today it's an idea on women.

Often I hear women chastised for speaking poorly of their husbands. They are scolded for calling their husbands stupid - for jokes about how men are Dumb and Oblivious. It bothered me - these chastisements, but I didn't know why. I mean - I agree it's wrong to say unkind things in General, much less about your own husband. But I realize why it's been constantly irking me. Why my mind has been so unsettled with every sermon or talk given where women are convicted for thinking cruelly of their hubbys.

Maybe you will agree - maybe you won't, but I feel quite strongly about this. If you've read my previous posts on men and women you will have a basis for this ramble - if not I encourage you to find them, I don't particularly feel like it at this moment, my mind is too full of this. But - for those who do follow me - you know I am passionate on the idea of feminism - and how it has been done poorly. No - it was done Completely WRONG.

We ARE Equal to men and we are NOT treated as an equal. I'm Totally NOT Ok with that. We are also only treated as an equal if we act LIKE a man! We have sought equality by trying to gain the Strengths of a MAN instead of fighting to show that a Woman's Strengths are SO Worth of Equality!! And they ARE. Our Emotions, our shitload of thinking, our introspection and understanding. Our CARING. These are NOT Worthless!!! And Shame on the FOOL who thinks so.

But we are taught that they are. We are taught that our Strengths are Worth Little. That we Care TOO Much. That we are Dramatic and Sensitive and that is a BAD thing that we should Apologize for!! You Fool. Society teaches us that to earn respect you must be unemotional, practical, oh and my favorite - LOGICAL. As if those are the only things worthy of listening to. You Fool. If you aren't mature enough yet to understand that - don't bother reading more. And I'm honestly a bit too angry to address you kindly.

So what does this have to do with my second paragraph? Oh - it surely does. And maybe you can follow my mind. I am not only a woman - but crazy broken. The white rabbit goes fast down the paths of my inner Wonderland. Women are taught that their Strengths are not Worthy. That what makes them Amazing is Worthless. This often leads to them thinking they, themselves are Worthless. As I did. But then, there are times where this pattern is broken. Something happens in a woman's life where she realizes this is wrong.

Maybe she has a white rabbit like mine or maybe someone impacted her life in an Amazing way. I don't know. But there is a point in many women's lives, or several - where they start to understand that their strengths are to be Valued. To be Praised. That their God-given Talents that society - in the World and within even The Church - have trampled upon. Strengths they have mocked and scorned - are actually to be Praised. They figure it out. And these women(me included) then overcompensate.

I talk about lines in life constantly. We walk a tight-rope between extremes. And we are not acrobats...so we fall off...Cooooonstantly. For Example - there is a line between being to legalistic and stick-up-your-ass and being too lenient and forgiving. You have to find the inbetween. And very rarely when you are leaning really far too one direction - can you find your balance again. Like a tightrope - you teeter, arms pinwheeling - trying to regain your balance, but often unable to do so. And in order to regain your balance when falling - Physics will tell you, in words far more eloquent - that you have to shift your weight just enough the opposite way to get back to where you need to be.

Now - if you've ever walked on the side plank of a railing-less bridge above a creek in the middle winter, lean too far over and try to right yourself - you'll know this is not easy whatsoever. Yes - I fell off. Well - I realized I couldn't right myself after pinwheeling for a hott-second and have always been a difficult, stubborn gal who needed to be in control and hated ANYone deciding things for her - Even Gravity. So I jumped in of course. Anyways - it's not easy to right yourself when your balancing.

If I haven't drilled it in. Whether it has to do with physical balance or balance of ideas, a Balance in Life - when we lean too far in one direction, and realize we are about to fall - we tend to overcompensate too much - trying to regain our balance. Science. And women do this. We are belittled for our strengths and in trying to regain our balance, we overcompensate by putting down men for theirs and belittling the weaknesses they do have.

I do not believe this is right. I just wanted to talk about the whole picture. People struggle to rewire their thoughts to follow God correctly. It's good to talk about this, it's not good to scold someone on something without seeing the why. Don't just tell someone their wrong without a solution. And NO Sweetheart - the solution is not "Well just don't do it". Um. Seriously? Who the fuck says that? I know people do. People do it to me. If you do - Stop. Stop Immediately. Do you see the irony? Yes - I was making a point.

Be empathetic - find out the root causes. Don't call someone out without all the facts. Realize that they likely don't have all the facts. Don't be the shallow type of missionary who goes overseas for a moment to help people, leaving nothing behind to guide them after they return to their first-world country. If you want to help - HELP. But that doesn't mean pointing out a problem without any help finding a solution. I would say that's quite the opposite of Helping someone.

Anyways - Passion spent. I'm done. I'll leave you with one more thought...