The God of Miracles

I wanted to take a moment to talk about The Little Things and exactly how Monumentally this idea has impacted my Life.

As most probably well know by now - many years ago, I ran away from the church. And as God is Head of The Church, I also ran away from Him. I was terrified of the God I had grown to know through His Church. The Being that I understood Him to be, was not Kind or Full of Grace. He didn't give a shit about me, that's for sure.

Growing up in the PCA meant that my theology began at a young age. I knew all about how disgusting sin was and the distance it put between me and God. I understood that any good acts could not make up for this; they were no more than filthy period rags. I knew I was bound for hell and that only if Jesus' face were stamped onto my face, would I survive such a fate.

So when Life became real at 18 and I found my own thorn-in-the-side of an unhealthy coping mechanism of sex, I was screwed. In retrospect - I see how flimsy my Trust in God was. I trusted WHO He was, in the very heavy-handed teachings I had of Him. I was NOTHING. He is EVERYTHING. I must Humble myself and my pride, or He will.

True, to an extent. But the understanding that began to develop, at the raw age of 18, was that God doesn't give a rat's ass about me. He only cares about my soul. Like He and Satan have some sick twisted battle to see who can win the most before the End of Times. And when I couldn't figure out how to "fix" myself. And God seemed to be withholding the answers I needed - I ran.

I became terrified of the sick, twisted version of God that I understood Him to be. A God that wanted me to grow through suffering. That "wouldn't give me more than I could handle". Bullshit. The only reason I'm not dead from what I was unable to handle - was because He wouldn't let me die. And oh how I cursed Him for it. He gave me what I couldn't handle and then forced me to live. I called Him a Fucking Bastard straight to His Face. And I don't regret it even slightly. Why? You may ask,

Because I would rather tell Him outloud, what was simmering in my heart. The Hurt, Pain, Betrayal was buried for so long. When it finally all came out and I saw how much I hated and feared the God I knew, He was then able to teach me what I did not yet understand. Grace. Love. Kindness. And The Little Things.

I found that I only understood half of Who God was. And that's sure as hell not enough. Literally. God is Black and White and every color in-between. He gave us the rainbow to prove it! He wiped out the world and then promised us He would never do it again. But not because mankind wouldn't deserve it. Because He Loves us. God is a Wonder of Wonders in making Contradictions work together in unity. He simultaneously judges mankind to hell and saves us from it. He is AllPowerful, Almighty, Vast, Incomprehensible, AllKnowing, AllEverything! And yet - He cares about every single hair on my head?

How is that possible? It took me forever to understand that kind of Being. One that could use Hard times to Grow me, but also care so Incredibly deeply about every tear I cried and silent scream I barely contained. He was there, with me, knowing exactly what I was going through and loving me through it all. He could have made it stop. But that's not how it works. This is Life. It's Broken and messy and we chose it this way in the Beginning. But instead of rubbing our face in our Bad Choices - He's there, taking every opportunity to bring Good out of them. Whether it be Growth, amazing relationships. new opportunities - God has an insane number of ways to twist the bad to GOoD.

And He does that because He doesn't just care about the Big Things, like winning our souls to Him. He cares about our Pains, our anger and hurt. He cares about our comfort and well-being. And while He may not take a magic wand and just swish away all our suffering with an Abracadabra - He is constantly working to transform even the most shattered brokenness into the most valuable creations.

He's a God of Miracles. This is what He does. God does not work like us. He does SO Much More.

And so when I see a rainbow - I think on this. A rainbow is a symbol of a Big Promise. A Promise that He cares. A promise that is Beautiful and maybe just a little thing to notice in daily life. But that works so well in my mind. Because the Little Things are SO Much Bigger than we often realize. And it's something I want to never forget.

God cares about me. He cares about you. He doesn't only care for His Son. We are SO Valuable to Him. That's why He gave us Jesus. To teach us our Worth. We cannot learn it on our own. We cannot understand True Value without God. And when we do - Life can be Beautiful, even in the most horrendous of situations. Because God can and will bring Beauty out of Everything. That's what He does. He's the God of Everything, Little & Big. He's the God of Miracles.

What Do The Mentally Disabled Look Like?

I had some follow up thoughts based on a fb post I wrote late last night. Thoughts on people's view of the Mentally Disabled. And I'm not talking about pity. I would say the majority of people are completely unaware of what someone with a mental disability looks like. That would be because, like physical disabilities - the view is incredibly varied. I am mentally disabled. My disorder has one of the largest fatality rates. I receive ssdi and have binders after binders to prove my need for it. But it sucks how often I have to prove this to people who don't even have the right to question me on this. I once had a dermatologist who told me that he knew what a depressed person looks like and I wasn't it. This was in order to prescribe me a drug for acne that has been since taken to court due to its side effects for those struggling with depression. I attempted suicide that year - so yeah, watch out for accutane.

What I'm getting at is that few people who struggle with mental illness are going to look like they are mentally disabled. Sure you can probably spot down syndrome. And maybe autism or aspergers as they are characterized by difficulties with social interaction. But what about mental disabilities that don't necessarily effect one's ability to thrive at communication? Serial killers, abusive controllers and child molesters can all be prime examples of people with more socially capable mental conditions that can clearly hide these problems indefinitely. The telly shows us each of these conditions, if not extremely exaggerating them at times. And of course, that impacts people's view of mental illness as well.

But "There are many different mental disorders, with different presentations. They are generally characterized by a combination of abnormal thoughts, perceptions, emotions, behaviour and relationships with others." says the World Health Organization. And far too many are still sadly in grey areas for classification purposes. It took a very long time to understand the human body. It will take even longer for the mind.

And this is what makes these types of things SO Incredibly Difficult for doctors to treat. Many of these issues cannot be tested for at all, but must rely on psych evaluations that are subjective and based on what the patient is able to convey to their doctor. Often, that can end up meaning in order to receive help for their problems, a mental patient must be incredibly self-aware with good communications skills and wants help -- or they find themselves a Miracle Max.

All this to say - just because you cannot see it, doesn't mean it isn't there.

There are many many people struggling with mental illness. And a good chunk of them are not even aware of their own state of being. That was me for far too long. I tried so hard to "fix" a problem, when I didn't even know what it was.

I understand it better now. And I write what I learn, to help others understand themselves better. This is a task that I do not enjoy and I often post late at night, as it gives me courage to post at all. It's hard opening up about these problems. But it's not just sin that thrives in isolation. Any struggles do. It's important to open up. To talk about them. To see them more clearly in solidarity. Only then can you truly begin to tackle them. God gave us a community. We must use it. It was not simply made for fun and fellowship, but for survival and betterment. And I thank Him for that. For all of you. Very much indeed <3

Persecution in The Church? Makes Sense.

I do not expect to be valued by others.

I want to be. I desperately desire some, like my husband - to value me as preciously as God does.

But that is not to be. As this is a Broken World, filled with Broken People.

And the Desire to be Valued by others is not a bad thing, if we understand that this cannot be fulfilled by others who are as we are. Only God can fill that need. Thus - the longing to be Incredibly Special is intended and met by Him Alone. Or we perish in Loneliness.

I struggle with this Immensely. I want my husband to see me as the Most Beautiful Creation God has ever given him. But guess what - I can be fairly/Incredibly Difficult and Utterly Exhausting. Surprise Surprise. And that doesn't exactly make for fond feelings at times.

To an extent - I wish my friends to see this value too. I want them to appreciate me, to want me around. But this is not always the case. And it's not even necessarily about me. But it can still be hard to not take things personally when close friendships form that I am not a part of.

But I find that what I wish, above all - when it comes to my value as a person - that I wish to be appreciated for the Gifts God gave me. I mean, who wouldn't? But that isn't necessarily how it works here. And God has given us many, many warnings that quite the Opposite is what we should expect.

Persecution is a Big word. It conjures images up of prison and martyrdom. Google's definition does little to help this:

"hostility and ill-treatment, especially because of race or political or religious beliefs."

It doesn't make us think of our friends and family, of those closest to us. It doesn't make us think of "good" people, of our church and other Christians. And yet - that is where the Pharisees lie, the ultimate persecutors of Jesus, Himself. That is where Broken People are, those who loved, followed Christ, but turned on Him in His final days. And of course, those who denied our Savior out of fear, who were unable to stand up for what they Truly Believe in.

All of us can find ourselves in any of these camps at times, or even thriving in one for far too long. It should not be a surprise that we are persecuted by each other, that we treat each other with hostility and ill-treatment. We are not perfect. And even a desire for Sanctification can not earn us perfection in this Lifetime. 

But Sanctification does bring Awareness. It brings Love. It invites God into every situation, wanting Him to fix what we screw up. Because we do. Constantly.

I do not Love as I should. Neither do those around me. We do not treat each other with the Value God gave each of us. We often care more about being Right, than showing Grace. We care more about not being Hurt, than being Kind.We care more about Living in this World, than Following God throughout this Lifetime.

I look forward to the day this all changes. That Jesus Christ comes back and makes all things New.

But that is not now. Now is when I accept that Following God does not mean being Appreciated. Living like Christ, sure as hell, does not mean going where you are Wanted. We are to go where He sends us, and He will send us where we are NEEDED. Sometimes we will be Welcomed with Praise and Admiration. But mostly - we will not.

I am under no delusions that what I write is stomached easily. These are not concepts I wish to grasp myself. But as I have said many many times - I didn't get a choice in learning them. But I do get a choice in sharing the harsh realities of being a Christian. I dislike that God has pushed me onto this path still. I hurt when my words are dismissed or belittled. But still, I have no qualms with telling anyone that the Church uses the Bible to bar it's doors to others. I am well known for saying that there are far more people in this world who are not against Christ, but are against Christians.

It's sad to think people won't come to Church because of Persecution, isn't it? It's depressing to watch many leave because they can't handle it, searching for a place to worship where this doesn't exist. I have so many times wished to jump on that Unicorn Search myself. But the realities of this World mean that Persecution is everywhere, and especially in the Church. I mean, that does only make sense though. Where Christ works, Persecution follows. And the Church is His Bride.

But it's not enough to say that as Christ's Bride we will be persecuted just as He was. That is a reality. But should never be the Focus. Our Focus should be on our BrideGroom. He is there - Loving us, as nothing else can. He is there, with Value in His eyes - the kind we will perish without. He is there with Grace and Mercy for every mistake. He is there saving us from every pain and folly, healing our wounds, inflicted or received.

We must not turn away from Him. We must not let fear, anger or bitterness overwhelm us by taking our eyes off Him.

Stay the Course.

Focus on what matters. The Big Picture.

Remember - we are Children of God. And that is Beyond WorthIt.

My Role as a Wife

I have many thoughts on this. I have very strong opinions on the general roles women should play in the lives of their men, as well as the role of women in society. I have few opinions that are this strong, as these have been formed through years of intense experiences, relationships and an awareness that came with the willingness to change my thoughts accordingly. Awareness of myself, my beliefs, where they come from and why - are an important part of how I was able to learn to function and live again. I do not intentionally lie to myself about my own opinions, even when I do not like them myself. A person cannot change this way. And I had to change. Therefore - my opinions will often change, as they must.

For example - I cannot trust women, is fallacy. I always knew it was, but I didn't lie to myself about the fact that I believed it. And it took years for me to truly understand why I believed that, in order to change my thinking. And despite what many believe, logic won't help with many miss-beliefs. Just because something is not true, and you know it, does not mean you can formulate your way out of this problem as easy as 1+2=x. Beliefs are deep, intricate, complex and built over years and years, through not only experiences and teachings, but subconscious interactions and learnt-behaviors. To unravel a deep-set understanding of life, will take far more than simply knowing it is wrong. Which is Extremely Shitty in my opinion.

Although, awareness is the first and possibly most important step in the process. Which is why lying to yourself about this, is pure folly. And something that completely boggles my mind. Why anybody wouldn't want to change a wrong opinion baffles me. Why people avoid seeing their flaws, when that will do nothing more then work to inset them permanently - completely blows my mind. I may dislike seeing how messed up I am, but NOT seeing -- is SO MUCH WORSE! It's like dousing strong perfume in a car filled with the nastiness of farts and not ventilation. It doesn't cover up the smell! It just makes driving super uncomfortable, if not impossible.

But that's typically how ignorance works. Covering up what you know to be true with some lie to yourself. It's a coping mechanism. A life strategy. For various reasons, people employ this method, often to function. And it's really important to do things, like get out of bed and go to work when you're an adult. So to an extent, I do understand why people would ignore problems in themselves. How else would they be able to deal? And of course, I did it myself for years and years without even realizing it. I imagine their are countless of people who do this also. So maybe I can find some empathy after all.

So, to summarize thus far - I work hard to know my own beliefs: what they are, why they are, whether they are right, wrong; good, bad or ugly. Therefore, when I say I have strong beliefs on my role as a wife - these thoughts have been thoroughly worked upon, and will continue to be explored for a long time coming. I do not speak such things lightly, although I do often communicate poorly or with language that comes out far more black and white then intended. Thankfully when I do this, many have an easy time seeing past what I actually say, to see what I'm intending to say. But I am, of course, still working on it.

With that in mind, let me finally express my inflammatory opinion that my husband has the final say in our relationship. As I have friends on the extreme ends of both sides of this argument - I realize I'm placing myself directly in the middle of a warzone. And I do not plan on ever debating this. I have had many discussions on this in personal settings, but debating is not a strength of mine. So anyone reading who wishes this - I am sorry to deny you.

Do let me tell you all just a little more though before you depart in anger or contentment.

My husband has the final say, but the conversation is not over and no decision can be made - if I am upset. He must take care of me, my thoughts and feelings. I must help him see what he cannot and push him in ways he won't push himself.

That is what I believe. Strongly. And I believe it is a Good belief, and a Godly belief. Men cannot, and should not even attempt to function without women. If men are making decisions for women, then women MUST be a part of those conversations. And I know many women who balk at that. Because, let's be real here - pushing men can truly Suck. I hate it. I hate it I hate it I HATE IT. Especially when I am resented for it! I would probably rather make a decision, than push my husband to make it. But truly - I just want him to do both. I simply want to wrap my arms around my knight-in-shining-armor and just be blissfully happy with wherever he takes me. But that's a Fairy Tale, not reality.

My Sam hates making decisions for us. But he must. I find it easy to make decisions, but I won't. At least, not for US. I am not remotely comfortable with making decisions for him. I have not explored why that is enough to write it here, but suffice for this ramble to say -- making decisions for Samuel makes me incredibly unhappy. And pushing him to make decisions often causes strife. Thankfully, we are learning how to do this better and better. I am learning how and when to push, that make it easier on him. He is extremely aware that he needs to be pushed and that I do not enjoy this. Thus, he has worked hard at not letting me feel resented for it. In the midst of being pushed, he has even shown his Gratefulness. Being pushed is about as much fun as pushing, and appreciation goes far to  bring relief and love to a tense situation. And in my case, also a very teary "I hate this!" as I hit the end of my ability to push him.

But this is how we do life together; how we grow together. This is how he he came to hug people, besides those he was crushing on. This was how we got engaged. This is how I was able to rearrange the dishes in the kitchen to integrate my own things. This is how we did not get a puppy. Because often the final decision is No, but not until I am ok with it. And Thank You God on that one. I like my family having puppies - I find no pleasure in having one myself.

Samuel has been saying No to me for as long as we've been close friends. And then he started learning how to say it with tact and love :) Now he's working on backing himself up with explanations that make sense, not just to your average engineer's logical thinking -- but to a person like me who understands emotional reasoning far better. It's not easy, but he tries. We both do. Cause in the end, that's how relationships work. We try. We fail. We look to God. Cycle Repeat. And hopefully, we get a little better each time.

These are just some of my thoughts on my role as a wife. Subject to change, not spoken concisely, or perhaps even well. But there you have it. That's me. That's Life. Not remotely perfect. But used by God nonetheless <3

An Unpopular Opinion on Halloween

My young childhood was interspersed with friends of many religions, as well as Christian denominations. My close friends consisted of at least one atheist, a jew, a wiccan and my best friend was Catholic. Our neighborhood was filled with children, as there was an elementary school smack dab in the middle of it. Halloween was a treasured Holiday there. The streets would fill with laughter and excited screams; children racing through yards as parents strolled along the streets, constantly reminding us to use the sidewalks.

Many houses were decorated, but very few were the kind of scary that could make a young child cry, as that was the main population for this community. My parents were an avid promoter of celebrating Halloween, without the "scary" elements. Granted - Dad did pull a couple tricks on us with fake spiders and popping up from places to illicit a scream or two (or more), but that was him every day of the year. Mom has always despised all things paranormal or associated with evil. We were never allowed to dress as witches, vampires, zombies or the like. And for years - family costumes were a thing. My favorite was when we did characters of Peter Pan, cause I got to be TinkerBell. Mom made my costume and it was Beautiful.

Every year we went Trick or Treating and for my youngest years - our church also had a Halloween Festival, that eventually got changed to the "Fall Festival" and then of course, died out shortly after that. But I remember how much I loved it there. They had all these booths and games. You could go bobbing for apples, fishing for candy, play a bean bag toss on the pulpit steps and ultimately - fellowship with your church in such a wonderfully fun family setting.

My memories of Halloween center around family, friends and God. Even as a young tween in Cary, I went trick'or treating with friends from my youth group. God was strongly present in this holiday, as He is in all things. And frankly - I don't understand why we don't promote this holiday within the Christian Community more.

God sent us all into the world to spread His love and Grace. I don't remotely believe this is about having several generations of babies and sharing the gospel with them. Nor do I believe God insists every one of us go overseas as missionaries. But we are ALL sent with the Good News. And as a wonderful speaker at our Women's Conference recently spoke on - where we are, is where we have been sent. And where sin is, is where a Christian must be. Sin is everywhere -- in our relationships, our politics, our education, our holidays - our entire life and our world, is full of sin and brokenness. We are not called to ignore any aspect of this. And we are certainly not called to judge or shun others as if we are better than them.

As Christians - we have a responsibility that will make our lives SO Much Harder and More Difficult than others. That means putting ourselves in uncomfortable positions and constantly hitting the wall with exhaustion before remembering to ask God for His Own Strength. It's going to be rough and totally blow at times, but that's not the point. We have Joy in His Purpose. We have Hope in Him. and the Big Picture is that we are here as His Broken Tools to fix a Broken World. And things like Halloween? This should be one of the most enjoyable ministries by far.

It doesn't take much to reach out to a community as my childhood church once did. Parents often don't have a neighborhood to take their children trick or treating, or not a safe one at least. It would not be hard to open up a venue and reach so many on this holiday. And for all the reasons many have for not wanting to support such a holiday - remember that there is NOTHING that God can not turn to Him. This is primarily how He works: untwisting what Humans twist, mending the broken and destroyed, making the impossible - possible. He is a God of Miracles. We must not ever forget that.

Just because we cannot imagine something - does not mean God has not already begun to implement that which is beyond our wildest dreams. Maybe at one point Halloween was about witchcraft or evil, only good for mischief or an opening for the paranormal. But for so many - that's not what it is at all. And it's not simply about candy or dressing up either. It's about more. It's full of excitement and anticipation, laughter and love, fellowship, community and family. And I'm not surprised. God is at work in this holiday, as He is in Everything.

And that is my unpopular opinion.

Suicide Awareness Month

It's become a thing - Awareness. Not that this hasn't always been an important concept. But now we have months that remind us to think about things we often don't. Or more often - would rather not.

I have seen a great many of wonderful and intense suicide awareness posts due to this radical trend. I say radical - because I think the change it inspires is just so. Like the #MeToo movement - it lets people know they aren't alone.

Loneliness is one of the scariest things in existence. Possibly the most terrifying at all, if you think about it. To have no friends, no family, no pets, no God - no one to love and show you love. I'm quite certain that nothing would be worse than to be completely alone. Maybe that's what hell is - the absence of God and everything He is about. Left all to yourself and your own brokenness. Wow. Too dark.

So that's a big part of awareness. It's empathy. It's connecting with others and learning how to know them and love them well. It's letting them know they have you. It's letting God use you to further Grace. Because ultimately - we all want to be loved, not only despite our bad qualities, but also as those broken by life.

Feeling like damaged goods can really take a toll on a person. Feeling dirty or too messed up to have any kind of relationships, be them romantic or platonic. It's incredibly helpful to have people reassure you that you're WorthIt. That you're strong in the face of tragedy. No one wants to be a "pity friend", but to have friends that truly see your struggles and decide you are amazing despite them, or even because of how far you've come in overcoming them -- that is of great value to anybody.

I've never enjoyed having friends who simply wanted to "help" me. It just made me feel more broken; and "less than". It enabled the Worthless identity I struggled to change. I cannot tell you how long I believed I was "the worst person in the room." I knew it, I admitted it, but it took years for me to learn to change that perception. I am not worthless, I am not "less than" other Christian women because of my differences. I am God's broken tool - and I am the most valuable thing in existence. Along with the rest of His beloveds :) Cause God's Love is perfect, unlike ours. So contradictions make sense with Him :D

Anyways - that being said. For those of you who I have met during recent times, when I have been quiet about my past -- my struggles of Worthlessness have culminated in multiple suicide attempts. Four I think in all, from age 18 - 26. Also countless psych ward stays when I knew my wish for death was getting too strong. That's all I wanted for those 8 years. I didn't want to be here. It hurt too much and I didn't have anyone who could help me learn how to cope. There wasn't help then. And there wasn't awareness. I didn't even know I was hurting most of the time. I just went from one fix to the next, constantly numbing the black hole ever growing inside me.

Most Christians told me to pray harder. One told me God wouldn't listen because of the life I led. I stopped praying then. I ran from Him. I saw a God who was doing this to me so I would grow. He was not a kind God in my eyes. I was hurt and scared of the God I saw at church.

But that's the thing. The God many portray was not the God I know now. He's a God who is beyond kind. He did not cause my Pain, it was a result of a Broken World. But He did take my Pain and transformed it to that which is Beautiful beyond words. He took years to earn my trust, which is not something I have ever earned or deserved. But He did it, because of Love and Grace. He took my Worthlessness and turned it into Value. He took my desire for death and gave me a desire to serve in this life.

I love Him. For all this and more. I am not who I once was. I am more. Because of HIM.

For all those who have lost someone - I am truly sorry. I don't know why God chose to keep me here, when He brought so many others Home. Although I have cursed Him for it far too many times and begged Him to change His mind even more. But I no longer seek death. And I hope any who still do have felt encouraged during this time of Awareness.

You are not alone. Even when you are. You may not have friends or family at the moment. But you have a God that loves you - even when you curse His name. And I cling to that - Every. Single. Day.

A Toast to the Broken

I have this Pestering BusyBody Who Loves me more than I can fathom. He's poking me, prodding me through others. People are asking about my blogs. Wondering about why I stopped writing.

I stopped because I wanted to blend in. I stopped because I was talking about marriage with my now husband, while feeling the weight of disapproval from people who were worried. People who knew a little of my abnormalities, concerned for my then husband-to-be. And I couldn't take it. I couldn't handle giving anybody any more reasons to not want me a part of his life.

And so I went quiet.

I know this was wrong - but it worked.

And so then there were all these new people who didn't know anything about me - and they still don't! Because I'm able to blend in again. I'm past the point where I have to constantly run and hide as my mind tries to rip me apart.

I've come far in my therapy. My life is no longer a sea of black and white - I now have empathy and understand how Grace works. I have become more flexible and therefore, break less often. I don't blame others for the pain they cause me - I hurt with understanding and love. And best of all - I understand the reason for Life. I understand why God wants me here. I understand this is not my Home and is truly fucked up. And I am beyond honored to be His broken tool in a broken world.

I am doing so well, that my therapist has started to suggest that one day I might not fit the criteria of a person with Borderline. This is a label that I've been told many times is not given easily, as it can never be taken away. A diagnosis that is more severe than autism or even schizophrenia - as it is far more lethal. Borderline patients die. That's the hard fact. We are unable to cope with the intense pain and we either commit suicide or die via lethal coping mechanisms such as drugs or adrenaline seeking highs.

There is no medicine to help with this. There is no way to take away the pain. It will be with us the rest of our life. We are emotional burn victims with no ability to heal. We can only hone an ability to manage the pain appropriately and learn how to function, knowing it could flare up at any time. My inability to regulate emotions - that won't change. But handling emotions - that is a skill I now possess.

My therapist recently said if he could check in on me by channeling how I was feeling into his own mind - he would instantly crumble and begin to vomit. I hate when people respond to "I'm not normal" with "there's no such thing as normal." There is a norm. There is an average. What I feel is not average. And suggesting that there is no normal, doesn't make me feel better. It makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong, that death became such a relief in my eyes. Affirmation that I am strong in the face of such an intense disorder - that has been something I have come to cherish.

Because I am strong. Not by choice. Not out of pride do I say this. I say this because I need to believe this happened for Good. That God is using my Brokenness for His Glory. I am Strong because He turned my Pain into Strength. I love because He Loved me enough to save me from myself. I Trust Him because He taught me how.

I am not a product of myself. I am a product of HIM. And that - I can take pride in.

I hurt. More than I can convey. That is my thorn.
But the rose attached - is that I can love beyond what I can explain. I feel joy and excitement in such a tidal wave - it can swamp those I am excited for if I am not careful. I FEEL. Too much. But not all feelings are bad.

Furthermore - God has surrounded me with a community of His Own. I am no longer wallowing in shame, waiting for my next sexual fix. I haven't been called a slut or a whore in years. My core identity has changed from "Worthless" to "Valuable" - not in a way I understand, but in a way I am so very very Grateful for. How Grace works is known to me, but why is still completely incomprehensible. And I'm ok with that.

I don't need to know why God loves me. It's more than enough to have Complete Trust that He DOES.

I am not normal. I am incredibly broken. I am a used, bloody, dirty, instrument of my Lord.

So here's to talking about our dirty little secrets! The reasons we are Christians. For without them - we would have no understanding of Grace and no reliance on God. So a toast! To the Broken and Weary.

Jesus came for us.

Known Love

"To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us." ~Timothy Keller

To Love is Complicated, Scary and often Intense. To be Truly Loved -- even more so. For that means you have to let someone in, past your barriers and defenses. You have to let them see the Good, as well as the Bad. To be Truly Loved, you must let someone know you. You must risk Rejection. You must risk their disgust, repulsion, anger, fear, Pain. Is Love worth this? Not to many. People would rather be content with Superficial Love than risk this.

But I think, like with God - Known Love is one of the MOST Beautiful, Amazing, Awe-Inspiring things EVER. Known Love certainly has risks with sinful humans. I know all too well how cruel people can be when they see you at your most vulnerable. People whom you love and whom love you. That's a part of Life in a Broken World. And it can completely shatter your heart.

But that's where God comes in. He knows us better than any other! He knows our Depravity and Insignificance. He know Everything and yet He LOVES us and sees our Value! With Him, we become Worthy! With Him we become Strong! With Him we can Love as He does! We can risk our Heart being Shattered - with Complete Trust that God will piece the shards back together. Every Time. Even more Beautiful than before.

With God the risks are WorthIt. With God - Known Love is possible. To have two people united in Christ - fully known to each other and God - WOW. To have no barriers or secrets. To know someone at their worst and vice versa - but to Trust that they won't forsake you! Because they already knew. They KNOW you. And they want to walk with you hand-in-hand on this Pilgrimage Home. Or maybe at arm's length when your fighting ;)

Because you will fight. You will get hurt. Badly hurt. You will be cruel to each other. But through it all - you will turn to Him. God will give you His Strength to overcome the Pain that sin causes. He will draw you back together Every Time you want to run away from the hurt that comes with being fully known to a sinful human.

A relationship like this? FrigginA man. Together, you can move mountains for our Lord! Powerful! Beautiful! Worth more than I will ever own, even were I to become a bazillionaire :) Patience is not my strongest virtue. But a Love like this -- it's worth waiting for.

Love like this can only be found with You, my Lord. Please don't let me ever forget that. Please remind me what Superficial Love looks like if I ever stray from Patience. Please, please never let me risk Pain with someone who is unwilling to do the same. Never let me risk my heart with someone who would leave at the first sign if trouble. Give me a man who asks for Your Strength Lord. For You know - they'll surely need it with me.

Beauty Uncaptured

So I was in the bathroom just now and something occured to me as I looked in the mirror after washing my hands. A mirror is like a tv in a way. It may reflect 3D images well, but it still loses something in translation. Perhaps this is one of the reasons we can't see ourselves as others do. Because we literally are unable to do so. There are so many Beautiful aspects Creation that we simply cannot capture. It is frustrating to be sure - but it provokes a reliance on God that I Truly Treasure. We must Trust Him. We must Trust Him to not only reveal the Good around us, but to do so Daily. Whether it be a Sunrise, a joyous occasion, a tender moment in a relationship, or perhaps a surreal glimpse of His Majesty. We must Trust that Him that He will provide this Good to us Daily. For it is as nourishing to our soul as bread is to our bodies. And this includes Good in ourselves. We physically cannot see ourselves as we are. The images we capture cannot hold a candle to the beauty of form in the men and women God created. Never forget you are Beautiful. You are a Work of Art. For God created you Himself. And while the sin in this world can twist anything. While the sin in our hearts can tear is down. God is God. Craftsman, Healer, Father - Love Manifested. He will untwist our souls, he will heal our broken sight and our shattered spirits. He will restore our souls and make us pure anew. We are His. Insignificant Beings next to The Almighty. And yet He chose to give us Worth! Never forget your value - your Beauty. It cannot be seen in this Life. But God is outside of Time. And with Him, you can glimpse Truth that cannot be seen as we are now.


End Ramble and Good Night

Thanksgiving

This is the week so many of us will sit around a table, bow our heads and give Thanksgiving to God for the gifts in our lives.

I beg your pardon if I'm a little early.

But I was thinking, or course. It is midnight and all. Everyone should know by now that I don't want to be here. This world, this life - this is not where I belong. I haven't wanted to be here for most of my adult life, and often tried to escape. But God of course said no. And then He went all sneaky on me. He gave me His strength. He showed me my worth. He showed me GoOD. He taught me how to truly LIVE.

Life will never be easy. Not for Christians. If your life is comfortable - you're doing something wrong. The Bible consistently warns us of this. But what God does - is make Life as a Follower of Christ - WorthIt.

And that is where my Thanksgiving lies this year.

I know me, more and more lately. The woman God made me to be. I know my limits. I know my strengths and weaknesses. I know that my mind is stronger than any other part of me. It rules over my body and my heart. If things don't make sense - well - I have never handled that well. Middle school algebra had both my mom and I in tears. And it only got worse from there.

But God knows inside and out, from before I was born. He knew the depths of my need before it existed. I need control. We all do. Control is the number one coping method for keeping fear at bay. Knowledge is a form of power. When scared, power gives you a sense of security. Knowledge has always been my ultimate security blanket. And God let it be ripped away.

For so many years Life didn't make sense. I didn't underatand it. I didn't understand myself or others. I didn't understand the Pain. And so i didn't know what to do. And no one could help me. Not because they didn't want too. But help didn't exist for me then. Nothing the doctor's tried, nothing the church did, or my family and friends even - helped me. And I drove myself mad trying to make sense of it. Trying to fix what was Broken in my own mind.

And when I had been at my lowest point several times. When I gave up on killing myself because "God won't fucking let me die." When I cursed Him for keeping me here, in this fucked up world, when I conceeded that He was in charge -- and begged Him to help even though I was of the opinion that He was a cruel, vicious God -- He went and got sneaky on me.

He wormed His way into my heart like a navy seal on a top-secret mission. He earned my Respect, Trust, Love and Thanksgiving. He let everything be ripped away from me. Which is exactly what I deserved. And then when I cursed His name - He repaid me with what I always wanted. It makes sense now. All of it.

Truly. Because even if it doesn't make sense to me - it makes sense to Him. And it makes sense to Trust Him with things that don't make sense to me. You still with me?

And so the one thing I always needed - He let me ripped from me -- but returned to me in a way that is Pure and Holy. He gave me more than my sanity back. He gave me more than information. He gave me more than the reason for Life. Which, consequently, is still not 42. He gave me reasons to LIVE.

I want to be here. Not because I'm happy and comfortable. Because I follow Him. Because I trust Him. Because He is my God and I am His for whatever He wants. And He wants me here. He has purpose for me in this life. And He is even kind enough to make Living here and following Him - WorthIt.

I don't ever want to grow accustomed to living with sin. But I praise God for all the Good He shows me. All the Good in others, in myself, and in the World He created. This is part of my purpose. This is part of who He created me to be. And it is a direct result of all my shit. I have a passion for finding Him. It makes sense :) He taught me that.

So this Thanksgiving I praise Him for all this and more. Thank You for making sense. Thank You for teaching me how to see things through Your eyes. Thank You for giving me purpose. Thank You for Your kindness - for giving me what I needed to Trust You, even when I don't deserve such a thing. Thank You for You. I never had the audacity to ask for such a gift as Salvation. But You gave it to me regardless. Even when I tried to reject in on the basis of my Worthlessness - You showed me where my Value lies.

Without You - I am nothing. But with You - I am Worth more than I comfortgable with, that's for sure. Thank You my Lord. You fucking Rock :')

Shut up. End Emotional Thanksgiving Ramble.

My Broken Spirit

There are many training techniques people use to break in a wild horse. Once upon a time - those techniques we're ruthless. The idea was total and complete domination. Break the horse's spirit - and they would be a good work horse after that. Completely obedient, meek, timid and perfect to use.

I figure that's Life right there. Sin has warped everything and that, along with the devil - are hell-bent on breaking our spirit to make us subservient to them. The more wild and passionate the Spirit - the more they have to beat and torture them until they break.

People break the same as horses do. Our Spirit shatters. What makes us, us - can be beaten out of us. Life can do that. The sin in this world has that kind of power. Without God.

But God does not work simply within analogies. He is the Exception to Every Rule. He is God. And He is Good.

What Life uses to Break you - God can turn into Pure Beauty.

He can make the Pain WorthIt. He can revive your Spirit. He can show you how Life is truly meant to BE.

It takes time. It takes Patience. It takes Trust and a lot of Pain. But Day by Day, Step by Step, Breath by Breath - God can show you how to do more than survive this world. But to thrive in it.

Ask Him. I did.

 Thank You my Lord <3

He is Worth Everything

I had always wondered how I could have gotten through the hell years so seemingly unscathed. I mean - mentally these years obviously destroyed me. But physically I thought I had very little to show for it. I was wrong.

But like all things - it was just more complicated than I knew. I am not aesthetically harmed for the most part - but internally I was damaged severely in many ways. Ways that I am only beginning to understand.

Living in constant Fight or Flight mode for years on end, my own personal apocalyptic lifestyle - it takes its tole. So too will several overdoses. And then there was all the meds they had me on, not to mention the significant weight gains and losses.

Internally - my body is all types of fucked up now. Eating is an incredible battle constantly. The kind of nauseous and abdominal pains that I handle on a regular basis is often overwhelming. My body temperature has become unreliable and a Complete Clusterfuck. And the tension. Fuck man - that's the worst.

The kind of tension that is my body's regular state of being is so coiled, ready to flee or attack at any given moment -- is so Intense -- that the first time I went without -- I passed out with relief. And the second time it happened. The third. For several months I was regularly knocked out by the release of physical tension. And I had no idea how this was effecting me. That it even was effecting me. But it has always been the most brutal of all.

People know that I received SSDI. Because I cannot work. Mentally I am Broken and Physically? I am more fucked up than I ever realized....because it is my Normal. It's hard to see that something is wrong when it's all you've known for so long.

I am used to going weeks without eating because I can't force anything down. It is a regular occurrence to need scalding water to try to warm up my hands or feet. Other times I need an ice pack for my neck and back that feel like they are on fire. And when "my heart hurts" - I always knew I needed to be held even though I didn't know why then.

And all of this is EXHAUSTING. And yet - they are only the side-effects of everything I have been through and am going through. They are my Norm.

My therapist is constantly shocked by my strength. I ave never understood why. I feel so pathetic. So weak. So Broken. How can I be strong? I did not understand that my mind and body had become a prison of torture - my own personal hell. One that I have simply wanted to escape. Because IT HURTS. And I'm so tired.

I'm so tired of fighting the Pain. I'm so tired of putting up with the torture of daily living. I talk about battling Life - but it's not just about living in a Broken World....My body and my mind are my enemies each and every day. I fight to keep them from overpowering me into Despair and Death. I fight to survive the Pain. Mentally and Physically.

And I never knew. Because it is MY Normal.

So tired you guys. So tired of fighting. But that's where God comes in. My strength was never enough to survive. But His IS. Not only survive - but thrive. With God I can do anything! Even LIVE.

And so I am.

One day at a time. One step at a time. One breath at a time.

Every new hurdle that reveals itself - I learn how to master. For He teaches me how. He reveals all my weaknesses one by one and shows me how to overcome them, which, sometimes - is simply having faith that I will survive them.

I am Broken. This I know. And I am learning all that this entails. But guess what? I am still Grateful. I would not trade my Brokenness in for a different body and mind. For it is these damaged goods that Wholly Rely on Christ. They are THE Reason I turn to God. Being Broken has been the Greatest Gift He could ever give me. For with it came the understanding of Why?

I have never been closer to God and if this means I must always be Broken - I say Yes. I say Please! I beg of You not to let me forget! Not to let me turn from You! If that means living in Perpetual Pain - Please! Please. Let me. Because in the Pain I see You clearly. And I NEVER want to lose that sight.

It is WorthIt. He is Worth EVERYTHING.

Thank You for the Pain

I had one of the Most Exhilarating Experiences of my Life yesterday. I let someone see a bit of the Pain. Only as much as I could show another yet. It scared her. And it was nice to know it looked as bad as it felt. What she didn't seem to understand was that it is my Norm. That it is a part of my Life I once was resigned to, then accustomed, and now I welcome - albeit only in certain ways. It is what I have to endure while I am here in this world. The cause matters very little. My life experiences and choices have led to insanity and such severe brokenness that includes heightened feelings. Feelings of Intense Pain that I have never been able to handle. Until I learned to Trust God. He gave me His Own Strength. And today I have marveled at this repeatedly. That I can be in SO Much Pain, so much - that my friend is afraid to leave my side. I can silently scream and shake and dry heave - and have full faith that I will survive. I can know that it will always be a regular part of my Life -- but also know that God miraculously gave me the ability to manage it. To scream and suffer until I collapse, and all the while Praise Him for reminding me Who HE Is. He is my God. I am His. He will protect my soul with His Life. As He, in fact, already has. And so I find, yet again, that I am Grateful for this Pain that has the ability to drive me insane - for it no longer does. It drives me to Him. Thank You Lord for the Wonder that is You. Thank You for twisting all that is bad - back to YOU. Fuck man. Thank You :')

Home Sweet Home

I've estimated that in the past decade I have lived in 17 different places. This doesn't include all my moves and everywhere I have needed to stay - simply the homes that I was invited to share for longer periods of time. None of them were of course, Home. Not for me.

This place I am right now? This place where I watch my kittens play, where I babysit sweet kiddos, where I sit on the porch and listen to the sun rise or the rain fall? This is the first place that has become a Home since I was 12 years old. Next month I will have lived here for 2 years. Twice as long as anywhere I have stayed since I was 17 years old.

In a world where we can never truly be Home, God has been SO Incredibly Kind to give me a place such as this....if only for a time.

I am a Homebody. This has always been me. A Homebody without a Home for so long. Because I needed to learn to rely on Him. And I can genuinely say that because of that - I will never take a Home for granted ever again. I will not feel entitled to one. Nor will I even assume I will keep this one.

For I no longer believe in Travelling Mercies. I truly believe it is not in our Best Interest to ask for safety or security. Quite the opposite.

I often beg God to never let me forget to turn to Him, and only Him. I ask Him regularly to never let me forget what I have learned. I have even become so bold and as to ask Him to give me hardship if I start to forget that He is God and the only thing that matters. This is still Stupid in my opinion and I don't recommend it. NEVER ask for hardship unless you understand what that means. Just don't do it. Don't. Do. It.

But I know how stubborn and stupid I can be. I understand how rebellious I am. Worse - I know exactly how Cowardly and Fearful my very soul is. How prone to Mistrust.  But I also KNOW that God is the only One Trustworthy. The Only ONE Who will never fail me. For that reason I ask for Hardship, for Suffering when I fail to Remember this. I beg for Outrageous Jealousy to never let me turn to another. Be it a person, idea -- or a Home -- ever again. Even....if that means Pain in order to remember.

For when God is Truly our Number One -- everything else just sorts of, falls into place.
Not easily. No, it can be very painful. And Hard. But there is a very special Joy that comes through Working Hard to Follow God. The Kind of Joy that makes Difficulties and Pain, not easier - simply WorthIt.

Thank You my Lord for my Home. And thank You for the understanding that it is NOT the Home I truly long for. OneDay you will finally bring me Home to be with You. But that day is not yet to be. So thank you for giving me pieces of your Awesomeness as I await #OneDay here.

Thank You Thank You Than You Lord for my #HomeSweetHome.

White Lie Innocence

I hope people are aware that protecting someone's feelings is often an excuse to protect yourself from the Pain you would cause by whatever it is you have hidden. It's a Coward's Move. One that breaks Trust and can create a whole slew of problems.

I know for a fact that I am not the only one who can forgive others for Pain. Easily in fact at this point. Breaking Trust however? That's not an offense that is simply Forgivable. It is something that although easily broken, is a bitch to earn back.

Do not hide shit from me that would hurt me. Do not hide shit like that from others. If you do - it's simple. We cannot be more than shallow friends, if that. And the first lie out of your mouth to me? I told you I forgive easily. But I do not Trust easily. For fucking valid reasons.

Gaining my Trust is Hard and I do no fault people for not caring to do so. Losing it is not easy either, for it is so Hard Won. But you like to me? You hide shit from me because you don't have the balls to cop up to something you have said or done?

No. You don't get the luxury of Trust. Ask yourself why you were hiding it from me in the first place. Seeing as I forgive so easily - you should think twice about your heart attitude.

And don't you dare suggest I exaggerate about forgiving easily. I wrote a post recently about the man who broke my heart, shattered me to wear I was curled on the floor among glass that conveyed my heart so perfectly.

But guess what? He was straight up with me. He told me he loved someone else. He didn't hide it from me. He didn't cheat on me. And when he left me to find she didn't give a rat's ass about him - he knew he didn't deserve me back - but ai didn't hesitate. I was back in his arms that night.

And that girl who got between us simply because she couldn't stand that he wanted someone else even though she didn't want him? She stayed in our lives. I told him he didn't have to give up his friend - even those gh he was willing to!

Why? Because I never had reasons to doubt him! He was solid through an through! He didn't lose my trust! He was straight up with me and that will always mean SO Much more to me than any other strength in a person!

Maybe I shouldn't let people hurt me without consequences at all. But I don't have qualms about forgiving others. And so next time you consider a white like to protect someone - remember that is all it takes to have access to another's heart revoked.

White lies are NOT Innocent!!! And they are NOT Ok.

Anything can be forgiven, but the consequences for mistrust are severe. If you don't understand why - go talk to a shrink because I don't have time for your naivety and ignorance tonight. Not tonight.

I need to talk to God. I suggest you all do the same - for we should be - each and every fucking moment of every fucking day.

Oh God help me with this Life.

Maturity at 30

So. I'm turning 30 this year. Just next month! I'm Super Stoked. Like seriously. I am not one of those people that doesn't want to grow up. I always say I'd rather be old and wise than young and stupid.

I love my laugh lines(aka Crow's feet) and I love my new streaks of grey hair. Marks of honor. I don't love the body pains that are really starting g to accumulate - but in my eyes it's Totally Worth It.

30 years of Life dude! I've survived SO Much and I'm Living now - Stronger than Ever Before!!!

Hahaha - I cannot tell you how many funny looks I've gotten when people hear my age. The majority of people I meet barely believe I'm legal and apparently many of those in my life had no idea I was in my very, very late 20s ;)

It doesn't surprise me anymore, although it can still offend me. Getting mistaken for a stereotypically immature teenager or college kid is never going to be a compliment in my eyes. But I do understand why this is.

For one, my grey blends in with my blonde streaks. Two, my laugh lines are often obscured by my glasses. Three, I dress in a variety of ways, but my favorites are not "age appropriate". Lastly, I know my actions rarely seem to back up my years. And I finally figured out way.

I've been labeled, quite kindly as "free-spirited". I love this in all honesty. However, it often marks a girl as without responsibility, as well as an easy mark for guys who want some. This combined with an even bigger factor tends to give people permission to act condescending and patronizing towards me.

See, if you've been following my blog, or my life at all - you'll know that I've been through some of the worst life can offer a girl. Life has not been kind to me and I have tried my best to leave the world. I have seen things no young woman should have to see and been forced to understand Life's shitty realities at a very early stage of life. I have spent a good portion of my years just surviving this world and all the FuckedUp Sin in it. But it's WorthIt now.

Life. Is WorthIt.

And this greatly impacts the way I see the world and approach others. It greatly impacts the way I LIVE.

People often have a hard time believing I'm 29 when they see me heading down a slip-n-slide with the youth group kids. They rarely understand I'm an adult when I spin in circles with elementary schoolers. How can I be responsible when I giggle like a school girl to dad jokes and puns? How can they take me seriously when my enthusiasm for birthday is Totally over the top?

I have been through a living hell. I have had my heart and mind shattered over and over and over again. I am still Broken. But I am God's Broken Vessel. And He can use Brokenness for His Glory in Such Wonderful ways!!! I am proud of this. I am proud to be HIS.

And this Brokenness? It allows me to see things differently. It forces me to retain my Child-like Wonder of the World. For without these innocent moments, without silliness, I could not handle the rest. God gives His Strength to survive the Brokenness of my Life that He uses for His Glorious Purpose. And He often does this in the form of being absolutely ridiculous.

I am older than I look. I am older than even those my age. I had no choice in the ways I had to Grow. Death was not given to me. I am here and so I follow He who earned my Trust, my loyalty, my Love and my Life. He didn't need to earn them, but He did. He is so very kind and patient with me. I know I do not deserve Him.

Grace is a Fucking Amazing thing though. He Loves me, cherishes me, He sees what I do not, He knows what I cannot - and in Following Him -- I am learning how to Truly LIVE. I am learning that #Adulting has no formula. Maturity has no rules...except God's rules.

My maturity involves Snapchat filters. It includes making funny faces. It means I may pull pranks or leave baby rattlers outside Wendy's for not substantial reason.

My maturity also means helping others at the expense of my own comfort. It means being kind at the expense of my time and energy. It means having patience and empathy. It means refusing to settle for the surface of who a person is, but wanting to know what makes them tick. Particularly when it is a person I dislike. It means loving others regardless of whether they love me back or are even kind. Honestly, my maturity means loving others when they are cruel. It means figuring out why they are cruel to better love them, without any help or encouragement on their part. It also means using healthy boundaries when doing this. It means knowing when to say "No." It occasionally means letting myself, not only be angry - but to confront another with their unkindness. It also means forgiving someone without being asked.

Maturity is a versatile thing. We all have our own, unique Strengths and weaknesses. Each if us are persons with many facets. We are God's prism and shine Him through in a variety of Beautiful ways. Never forget that to Follow Christ - does not mean becoming a Bible-toting, cardigan-wearing Christian. Being a Christian means that you are Following Christ.

So do NOT make the mistake of blending in! We may all be sheep who have gone astray - but we are a multi-colored flock. A rainbow herd. And even when we are each made pure as snow by the sacrifice of Christ - I have little doubt we will each be our very own snowflake. Beautiful and Completely Unique. Sinless, Pure, Perfect and every one different from the next.

Embrace Christ and Embrace how God made you, you. Each of us Wonderfully Made. And for me at least, Wonderfully made includes chicken fighting in the pool with my baby brother ;)

Change & Forgiveness

I was in an Incredibly Unhealthy Relationship in my early twenties. But I kept hope....hope for us to fix what was Broken. I was constantly told - you cannot change him. On the one hand, this is Totally Accurate. But when sin entered the world - so too did complexities.

We cannot change anyone. It's true. We cannot fix anyone. I could not fix that boy, as my parents could not fix me. Only God is the Healer of Brokenness. And often in very unexpected ways.

However, God does use people in His Master Plan for His Glorious Purpose. And it is a Beautiful Thing indeed to inspire someone to Follow after God. It is a Marvelous ability to be a Guru for Change.

I am SO Thankful for how many of these people God has gifted me with in recent years. For one in particular whom God was very sneaky in using to bring me back to Him. That man inspired Trust in my Lord when I had none. I would not be truly Living without him and all the other amazing people God placed in my life. God sent them to do His Work and I never ceased to be Amazed at the lengths He went through, to woo me.

I pray to be this for others. A Life Goal of mine is to shine God's Grace through my own Brokenness. For the Power of His Love brightly reveals itself when healing shattered souls. My Pain is ever-present. Let it be used for Good.

We cannot change others, but we can Encourage and Inspire it. And even though Change is Hard - it is SO WorthIt. For it is Change that brings us closer to God. A special kind of Change those fancy people like to call "Sanctification".

A relationship that does not inspire this type of change within the other AND vice versa - is unable to be a close, healthy relationship. No matter the type. We are to help each other to the Cross. A pilgrim's progress of sinners wanting more. Moving ever forward, resting at times, making mistakes and even digressing, but always continuing onward towards God.

No matter the subject, the root is always God. The need to Follow Him above all else should be present in every moment of every day. Through thick and thin - we Follow Him. Even if that means being angry at your best friend. Even if that means taking space from your husband. Even if that means Forgiveness for the ever-present sin in each and every one of us.

And Even if that means forgiving our very selves. Especially that, knowing those in my life. We screw up. All of us. But God's Love & Justice make Forgiveness Possible. Don't ever forget that. Forgive others and Forgive yourself. At least, that's what I'm telling myself this stormy evening.

Help me Lord?

I have found that there are SO Many Strengths that come from being Completely Broken before God. But that doesn't make the Hard parts easier. It just makes them WorthIt. Being Broken. I'm always fragile. My heart and mind are so easily shattered it's Absolutely Terrifying to Live. I never know who or what will cause me to crumble into Pain. I can never brace well enough, because that would mean locking everyone out of my life and barring the door against the world. Then when that fails - attempting to leave it. And God already Vehemently denied me this. So I walk around, trying to Trust, attempting this Feeling shit - Knowing that every day this will bring me Pain that I cannot handle. For God does not save us from Pain. He simply makes it WorthIt. So I Live, not by avoiding Bing Broken, but by trusting God that when my heart breaks and when my mind shatters - that He will repair me once again. And He will. Every Time. He is my God, Who Loves me with a passion and a Grace that only God can. I am SO Beyond Thankful that I am His and He is mine. I cannot convey the depths of my Gratitude. Thank You Thank You Thank You my Lord.

***<3***
From the depths of woe I raise to Thee
The voice of lamentation;
Lord, turn a gracious ear to me
And hear my supplication;
If Thou iniquities dost mark,
Our secret sins and misdeeds dark,

O who shall stand before Thee?(Who shall stand before Thee?)
O who shall stand before Thee?(Who shall stand before Thee?)

2. To wash away the crimson stain,
Grace, grace alone availeth;
Our works, alas! Are all in vain;
In much the best life faileth;
No man can glory in Thy sight,
All must alike confess Thy might,

And live alone by mercy(Live alone by mercy)
And live alone by mercy(Live alone by mercy)

3. Therefore my trust is in the Lord,
And not in mine own merit;
On Him my soul shall rest, His word
Upholds my fainting spirit;
His promised mercy is my fort,
My comfort and my sweet support;

I wait for it with patience(Wait for it with patience)
I wait for it with patience(Wait for it with patience)

4. What though I wait the live-long night,
And ’til the dawn appeareth,
My heart still trusteth in His might;
It doubteth not nor feareth;
Do thus, O ye of Israel’s seed,
Ye of the Spirit born indeed;

And wait ’til God appeareth(Wait ’til God appeareth)
And wait ’til God appeareth(Wait ’til God appeareth)

5. Though great our sins and sore our woes
His grace much more aboundeth;
His helping love no limit knows,
Our upmost need it soundeth.
Our Shepherd good and true is He,
Who will at last His Israel free

From all their sin and sorrow(All their sin and sorrow)
From all their sin and sorrow(All their sin and sorrow)

~Indelible Grace

***<3***

Do I have to be an Independent Woman?

"I'm an Independent Woman!"

I hate that phrase.

Sure - it's Good and Fine and Dandy.

But for the people who want to be Independent.

Do I want to be Independent?

No. No I don't.

And I'm not. I rely on the Government for my income. I rely on my therapist for my sanity. I rely on my friends and family for SO Much. And I rely on God for Love, Grace and Strength to survive my fucked up life

But, because of the fucked up choices I've made -- I crave touch...and yet there are very few that I trust who are willing to touch me. I crave sitting next to someone while watching tv and resting my head on their shoulder. I crave walking down the street arm-in-arm. I crave genuine hugs and behind held as I cry.

I used to get touch every day, since birth really. I didn't realize how much I needed it until I lost it alltogether. I look back and don't really question why I sought sex, when that included touch.

It's said a healthy day includes 3 hugs. I am lucky to get half of one.

Maybe this sounds silly. Perhaps it is. I can't sleep without my cats on the bed. That's probably silly too. But it's true. Anybody who has had a sleepover with me knows I will gravitate towards them and probably plant a foot on them for comfort. This is me. It always has been.

Maybe I am just being silly. Maybe the tears streaming down my face are for something deeper. I don't know.

But it doesn't negate how hard it is to have had an abundance of Love in the form of such a small gesture my entire life -- and then to lose that. To be alone at home with only my cats to cuddle, if they're feeling generous.

I'm an Independent Woman!
I don't need a man. I don't need friends. I don't need family.

Fuck that.

I need you. And I'm sorry I'm fucked up. I'm sorry I can't be touched easily. I know I flinch. I know I can't handle it from everyone. I know I'm complicated and scared. I know I'm a Complete Mess. I'm sorry.

I'm probably just being silly. I'm probably just tired of being the Independent Woman I feel like I'm supposed to be while simultaneously wanting someone to rock me as I cry. I'm probably just being a baby and dumb bunny.

I know God is with me. I do. He reminds me every day of His Love for me. Even now it brings a smile to my face. And even if I go the rest of my life without someone to give me three hugs a day - I know with Him I will be alright. I will be More than alright! For I am His and He is mine. And that is Far more than I could Ever even Hope for. It is More than Enough. It is more than I deserve.

But God - maybe if I could have more hugs? That would be nice.

A Tired Ramble: I don't even know what I wrote.

Know your limits.

I love horror movies and crime shows. Course, the repercussions of indulging include an inability to sleep without the lights on aka. At All. Paranoia tends to make me cranky from exhaustion and constantly being on edge. So I've learned to steer clear.

Know your limits.

Dramas do more than make me cry. They hit something deep within me that hurts. Something I am still unable to name. They're too much. Especially when they are GOOD. I can't. It's past my limit. At least for now.

I should have known better. But now that I understand. And I won't make this mistake again. Even if the movie is hella good -- as this one is.

Know Your Limits

There is a Difference between Healthy Limits and a Comfort Zone. It is often Very Good to leave your comfort zone. It is even Good to test your limits and push them a bit. But you must know them. You must know them well enough to not get seriously injured. Mentally or Physically...

Know. Your. Limits.

Only God knows your limits better than you can. If you don't Trust yourself - Trust Him.

It's a funny thing, to not Trust yourself...and yet want control of your life. To - to - to be terrified to make decisions, but even more scared to let someone else. I don't trust me. But I trusted Him less. I haven't trusted me in a very long time. I haven't been able to. Because I knew how untrustworthy, how unstable, I was.

I didn't Trust Him. I didn't Trust me. I rarely Trusted others, but when I did - well - human nature is 100% Guaranteed to be Fallible. When there is no one to Trust...well -- I hid. I hid within myself. I hid so deep - I lost me.

I lost myself to Fear. I lost myself to Shame. I lost myself to Hate. To Anger and Self-Loathing. I did not like me. Not a single part of me. Nothing. And little by little I beat who I was to cower in hiding...to retreat into the void that opened up in my soul. The Black Whole swallowed everything that I was. It swallowed everything I was meant to be.

And then God said,
Fuck That.

Well, my translation and summation of events may have distorted that idea a bit.

Regardless, God said NO. He proved to me, without provocation or my desire -- despite being Unworthy of such a Magnanimous Gesture
-- God proved to me MY OWN WORTH - to Him.

He reached into the Void. He found me. He brought me back...to OneDay bring me Home. He Saved me. He Loves me. I still don't Trust me very easily. I don't know me yet all that well. But Him? I Trust Him. Even if I can be difficult, stubborn and lapse into old habits of hiding, running and fighting from fear...He is Patient.

He is kind.
He does not envy or boast.
He is not proud, rude or easily angered.
He keeps no record of wrong.

He does not delight in evil - but rejoices with the Truth:

He always Protects, always Trusts.
He always Perseveres.

For that is Who God is. It's what Love is. And what Grace provides.

Thank You Lord. Thank You for Reminding me yet again of what I always forget.

Tine to wipe my eyes and go to bed.
G'night Everybody.