My Prayer Today

As I climb out of a soaking hot tub full of epsom salts, listening to DJ Majestick's radio station - my heart pangs. As I arrange a mound of pillows and blankets beneath my stomach and stretch out on my bed the pang turns to a spasm. As I lay curled, enjoying the heat still pulsing through my blood stream - I begin to cry.

Regret.

We have all felt it.

We have all wished that we had not done something, or someone.

Or many someones.

And as my tears fall - all I can think is that I wasted one of my Greatest Gifts from my Lord.

All I can think is that I had 30 years to find a special someone to share this Gift with...

But instead...Instead I chose to decimate God's Temple. I chose to hurt myself, to abuse my body - to Destroy God's Temple in Fear. I chose my Sanity over my Heart, Body & Soul.

And now?

Now it may be too late.

I spent Three Decades torturing my own body.

And now?

Now I'm starting to reap the consequences.

It's not only my heart that pangs - but my back, my neck, my shoulders, my stomach, my head - I could go on and on.

They pang - they twang - they spasm - and on occasion - they SCREAM.

And while these pains are still nothing to the Mental Agony that will send me to my knees Silently Screaming...The physical pains that one receives after decades of intentional physical self-harm and neglect -- they are nothing to scoff at either.

It feels like just yesterday when I started Dancing for God again, Head-Banging for Jesus, Air-Guitaring with the Holy Spirit.

Now?

Now I beg my Lord. Please.

Please.

Please give me more Time.

I know I wasted this Gift you gave me. I know I Fucked Up. I Know I don't Deserve to ask for More...When you have already given me SO Much.

But I also know that You CAN. You Can DO ANYTHING!

You are God.

So Please.

Please.

Please. Give me more Time.

Please. If Possible. Give my body more Time.

Because I want to share this Gift you gave me with someone who Loves You as much as I do.

I want to share me with someone who understands You, as well as me.

I want to Dance with them, at least for a little while, before this temple begins to crumble.

And while OneDay we will get to go Home and I will be free from Pain of all kinds - free to Dance Eternally.

If it's Possible, please, give me more time while I'm here. Give me more time in this Life.

If it be Your Will - erase the decades of abuse I have wrought, turn back the clock, just enough - to give me time to Dance. Time to Dance in a manner that brings you Glory and not Shame with a man after Your Own Heart.

This is my Prayer today.

<3