I'm Going to Love You Like I'm Going to Lose You

"What scares me the most about it, isn't the fact that people are yelling out at you. It's the fact that it can escalate."

"It's a type of aggression that you feel like you can't do anything about because you don't know what else they're capable of."

"There's this still from the movie Alien. Where, the woman is looking forward and the alien is in profile. And just sort of like a slimy, ugly thing that's just like at her ear. I feel like catcalling is like that...but everywhere you walk."

People often laugh at my fears. They see them as silly paranoias that come from watching too much Law & Order SVU. And granted, I won't watch criminal shows anymore because they wig me out too much these days. But, crazy as it might seem, that's not just because my imagination is so great. It's also because my experiences add a much more graphic element to these fears.

Do you know that I get honked out every time I go on a walk? No matter what time of day or what I'm wearing. Mostly by men with trucks and work-vehicles. The guys with nice cars are too cool for that of course. They rev their engines instead and peel out at lights. And while this isn't particularly terrifying - Gabby said it well: "it makes me feel insecure, cause I wonder what I did to invite it." And even if I know that I did nothing, there's still that doubt that curls up in my stomach, causing me to not want to take off my sweatshirt, even when I'm overheated from an hour of walking.

And then there's catcalling. It's scary because there's no formula for your response. A smartass reply can encourage or anger a guy. So can a nod of greeting. Eye contact. Any sign of acknowledgement really. Course, most people think it's just a simple thing - ignore them, they say. But that's just as risky. Men who catcall, guys who hit on you in a bar - these guys are often harmless. But there is always a wolf hiding among the sheep, if not a whole pack of them. Looking scared or vulnerable can be an open invitation to those predatory types.

And this isn't just in big cities like NYC or LA. This happens here in Cary too. I rarely walk on the sidewalk in the same direction as traffic, because it cuts back on strange men asking me if I need a lift. I dislike the sun going down early because that means there are streets I would no longer be smart to walk down. Not by myself. One of the reasons it's so nice to have a dog as a woman. You'd be surprised by how often a sweet dog like Jade can deter guys from approaching me. Also one of the reasons a gorgeous girl will own a pitbull. That breed is crazy sweet, and they also appear terrifying and are incredibly loyal.

It's not easy being a single woman. We don't get to be as independent as a man. I can't go to the pub to enjoy a burger and the game by myself. In the eyes of society, a girl by herself at a bar wants to be hit on. And if she's foolish enough to reject that...well, let's just say I won't be going anywhere that serves alcohol by myself again, be it a pool hall or even Red Robin.

There are a lot of perks to being a woman, and a lot of downsides as well. I'm not the type who wants to get all hyped about feminism. I mean, every gender, race and religion has it's inequality. Some far worse than others. But if you think they don't exist, then you're not looking around you. Even white males can have disadvantages in life. And that just blows. Life isn't fair and that can be hard to comprehend. I used to use that phrase often, "Life's not fair". If you had a nickel every time I said that, yeah?

But, you know what I find bothers me far more than life not being fair? People who don't get that. Ignorance. Lack of empathy. People who only see their view of the world and no more. The world is a sphere. You may be able to see part of it incredibly clearly, but it is simply not possible to see every angle of a sphere with human limitation. It is communication between people that allows us to see the entire planet. That and Google Earth, which I seriously doubt was created and implemented by a single person anyways.

But do you see what I'm saying yet? Do you see that although you're view of the world may be crystal clear, it's only a piece of it. The United State of America is not the only country in the world. And until you find a way to see Japan, to learn about their culture, you'll never know how different their view of the world is. And how amazing! I find Germany enthralling lately. It's so different and exciting! It's hardly perfect(like every country on our planet), but there are definitely things I've begun to implement in my life that I learned from their culture.

And that's something I wish everyone would do. And not just with other countries! With people in our daily lives! You'd be surprised how much you can learn from people so dissimilar to yourself. And, honestly, you'd be more surprised with how much you have in common. I know I have been shocked, over and over again. In the end, we're all the same. Fucked up people in need of Grace. And although people argue with me about this, I still believe that the more messed up you are, the easier time you have understanding this concept.

People rarely understand exactly how deep in sin they are; don't understand they deserve to go to hell. Deserve. And I'm not talking about non-Christians. I'm talking about you - sitting in the pew at church, singing from the choir, even preaching the sermon. You did not become a Christian and suddenly you're perfect. Every day we sin, every hour, every minute even - I have no doubt. We ALL deserve to rot in hell for all eternity. Graphic and so incredibly true.

You with your 1.5 kids and white picket fence are just as undeserving of Grace as the crack-whore working at the local strip club. And it truly pisses me off when people think otherwise. We don't deserve Grace. NONE of us. We didn't earn it. It's in the friggin definition. We all deserve to Die. I know that. The crack-whore knows that. Believe me. The scum of the earth, the refuse of the world know they're going to hell. Why do you think there are so many jokes about it? Look up "I'm going to hell quotes" in Google. Then go to images and just scan the page. I have no doubt you'll see exactly what I mean. Here's the saying that has popped up the most in my feed though.

My Study asked a question once. Why do Christians have such a hard time sharing the idea of judgement? Why are we reluctant to tell someone they're going to hell? I'll tell you why I won't. Cause people in the world I live in already believe that. They already know exactly where they're going and they think there is no possible way out. They've given up on a happy ending. They know they're going to die and go straight to hell, and they're now resigned. So resigned they turn it into a boast to better cope with that concept. And I would say that's the church's fault. You should really consider looking at that link I posted of Google. You'll find another common theme:

You want to to go on crusades and tell every alcoholic, every stripper, every whore that they are sinners who need Jesus? You fool. You have less understanding of Grace than they do. They are already half way there and you are miles away. They will probably just laugh at you're warnings, curse you out and walk away with their head held high - because they already know they deserve death. They cling to their mask like you and every other person in this world. The mask that says "everything's alright" and even more often "I don't care what you think of me". Because all they understand is half. They understand deep down that they deserve hell. They understand that better than most every Christian I've ever gotten to know. It shows in everything they do. Everything they say shows the pain they feel. Sex, drugs, alcohol - those are just symptoms for a deep self-loathing that comes with this understanding. And understanding with no solution.

That's why I say people who suffer have a greater opportunity to understand Grace than any other. When you're consumed by pain, when it controls you're every thought, every action, every move - you're mind does not think clearly. You just want the pain to STOP. That's all you can think. Stop the Pain. Make it go away. Please - I can't take any more! I can't do this. It HURTS. Make it End. Take it Away. I can't DO THIS. I'm not strong enough. Just shoot me! Put Me Out Of My Misery!!! That's why torture is so effective. You'll do anything to end the Pain. Stop. Please stop. Don't hurt me. I'll do ANYthing! For Christ's Sake - End this Agony!

Yes - that's a play on words. It's not for Christ's sake that our torture ends. It's for our own. Christ was born to save us from this world and hell itself. We are offered an end to an eternity of pain far worse than any pain we feel now, or could even imagine feeling. And the cool thing about suffering in this world today, like me and the refuse of society? We don't have to think to grab for God. We can't. We are in too much pain already. Anything to end the torture. The problem can often be that we don't see Him there. We're flailing, trying to get free of our bonds. We want out from our cameo in "Hostel". And often we can't tell who's friend or foe. That can be very difficult when you're blindfolded and can't see.

~John Piper

Desiring God: Open My Eyes That I May See

And although I finally trust that God is not my torturer, although I blamed Him a good portion of my life for the pain. No, I realize He saved me from the hands of Evil. And even now He tends the wounds inflicted by others and myself. But my wounds are deep and I still cannot go an entire day without pain. I cannot even go a week without hurting so bad it actually incapacitates me. I can't walk, I can't think, I can't function. I find the nearest coping mechanism, and I struggle to remain alive. I would not call it normal, nor would I call it unique. People are in an incredible amount of pain. You need to understand this. The world and the people in it are hurting something fierce and it is our job to love them and show them the only way to ease the suffering.

And when the day comes that my Hero rides in to take away the pain of this world. When me and those I Love are completely healed. I will dance with joy. Yeah. Not that hippie dance. It will be more Step Up 2 style:

1:03 - that's where it's at

That day will come. I have no doubt. By Grace we are Saved. Through Faith. And this is Not from ourselves. It is a Gift from God. Not by works, so no one can boast. No one deserves this Gift. You don't earn it by going to church or tithing. You also don't earn it by praying and reading the Bible. No amount of good deeds, even ones that are Truly Good, will earn you redemption. It is not for sale. Salvation is a Gift. One that Inspires Love. And God is Love. If you know one, than you know the other. And if you are constantly proving to have a lack of love for your neighbor, a lack of empathy for mankind. If you would never consider being friends with someone who's opinions and ideals differ from your own - you might want to consider where your root sin truly lies.

It is not about you. It is not about me. There is more to the world than that. There is a bigger picture, a beautiful one. God has a Plan and I want to be apart of it more than ANYthing else. I want to follow Him to the very end of creation and into the Eternity. I will be there and I will be dragging you and everyone I can get my hands on with me. I can not bear to leave you behind. I Love you ALL too much.