Faith like a child.
People wonder why I don't want to "grow up". But I've never understood why people think I should. It's true. If I grew up the way most people do - I might have a job. A house. A family. I could probably be a therapist or psychiatrist! I have enough understanding in that arena ;) . Or maybe I would be psychologist like Sawyer from this movie. The antagonist who is all grown up - with all that that entails, and loses it in a blink of an eye. And although he was an incompetent dolt, the ultimate cost of his life as he knew it, was his his inability to Believe.
I may look quite crazy jumping in leaves or sitting on the counter covered in flour. And yes, I still love making snow angels and singing carols as I make my way around downtown. Sometimes I eat pizza for breakfast, and I love My Little Pony. I can never pass up an opportunity to get flour or paint on my friends when they help me with a project. I get crazy excited about surprises, and I wish Christmas came more than once a year! I could continue, but many of these things I like to let people figure out themselves.
I'm "grown up" in many ways. Most of them are ways I would not wish on ANYone. Growing up...it's not always a good thing. Losing your childhood wonder...excitement and joy over things like, like Christmas Eve! Or even on the first snowflake to fall in winter - I love to catch them on my tongue still :) . The sight of a new babe. A game of DnD with my favorite men. Watching the Eagles win! I look forward to these moments - as hard as it is to show how deeply it effects me.
I have never, in all my life, been alright with crying. Not even happy tears. And I have many. I struggle with showing people this vulnerability. Mostly I just smile and stare blindly ahead until I can find a quiet place to lean against a wall, or a tree and put my head on my knees and sob. God has always been with me during these times, carrying me through the pain and the joy. And lately, He's given me even more than I would have ever hoped for.
I no longer have to get through every emotional overload alone. I've curled into a ball and lain my head in many a friends' lap as I screamed silently from the pain. I've had two friends allow me to actually scream my pain, out-loud, in their car - and one of them even joined me for moral support! And sometimes it's just enough to have them there. I no longer hide in my room when I'm having a rough day. My roommates understand - they have many themselves. When one of us is upset, we stand together through it. And that doesn't typically involve a whole lot of talking.
I've noticed that people, not just guys, are very eager to hurry the process of grief. Emotions are very awkward to be around and people don't always know what to do. Mostly, they just want them to go away. This is one of the reasons I suppress them so well. Tears are not acceptable in society. And when you allow them to surface, people are quick to ask what's wrong and offer advice with how to fix it. Don't do that. Go watch Inside Out. Grief is a necessary part of this world. Without it, we would not understand Grace.
Grace
Now that's a Big Word. A word used more flippantly than any other phrase in my opinion. Even more than "I love you". I truly believe that. If you understand Grace the way I do, you will cry a hell of a lot more, pun intended. When I first began to understand Grace, I cried in such sorrow. Sorrow that a Man gave His life for a piece of shit like me. I don't deserve ANYthing I have today - and I believe that with All my Heart as well. But I'm here, and not dead, because of Grace Alone. Despite all those years of playing Russian Roulette with a fully-loaded gun, I'm somehow alive.
He Saved Me
And now I am forever His. The only Guy who is strong enough carry me down the beach with the burdens I bear and not fall flat on his face. The men I've done that too - I am truly sorry. I never should have asked that of you and I may never get to apologize to some of you, but I regret that I ever encouraged the idea that you could rescue me. Although I do believe in super heroes, and I would totally call many of the people in my life just that, they are only as great as Daredevil - who is Awesome!
One of my heroes answered my call at 3am last month and immediately came to get me when I was losing it. Another of my heroes held my hand as I contemplated playing Froggy on the streets of Raleigh last year. I've had heroes organize my room so I could feel like my house was a home. I have a hero who takes me for a burger when I'm miraculously hungry. I don't even know some of my heroes personally, but there are many of them. And they show up in amazing ways - like, by making room for me in the back of sanctuary, at the very end of the row, so I could listen to the sermon without everyone watching me breakdown; or even explaining how to handle the Women's Retreat as an introvert.
These people are my heroes. Them and so many others. We are charged with Saving the World. We are all heroes. But...we are not the Ultimate Badass Himself. The one that makes Superman and Batman look like pussies. Not even Hercules can save a soul from hell. I don't care what Disney says. He may be strong - but only one Man has been to Hell and come back alive and He's my Super Hero. He's the guy I go to when all else fails. And it will.
Friends and family will leave you. Your health will as well. You will lose your job at some point. You will lose everything. Because, eventually, we're all going to die. And I'm not of the ancient Egyptian belief where you are able to take stuff with you. Sure you could try to leave a legacy behind - but, in my opinion that's even harder to do than making something go viral. You'd have to go like, full on Hitler or something. Even celebrities names eventually die down. I'm sure many people still know Cary Grant, but how many of your kids do?
A legacy - it's not enough. People will forget you, even your family will after a couple generations. I couldn't tell you all my great-grandmothers' names if my life depended on it. But we take pride in these things for some reason - when they disappear so quickly. Even in the span of our own lifetime. There is such a thing as good pride, but pride in your own strength - well, that's not something I find particularly attractive in a person. I'll tell you what I do - and it brings us right back, full circle.
I find child-likeness attractive. Not immaturity or even the same enthusiasm for life I have. But Faith like a Child. The simple and pure understanding that everything's going to be ok...because Daddy's here. My Superhero has me in His arms and nothing can go wrong. That idea I'm only beginning to grasp, but it's one that would be unbearable to lose. I like being independent for the first time in my life. And I find, the reason I can be, is because He's with me. Seems like a contradiction, but it's really just another enthralling complexity of life. And those are So Cool!
It's 3am and this is another ramble through my mind. It jumps quite fast you can see. But, that's me. Hope you get something out of it. I know I do.
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