I'm pretty sure I've broken the ice enough that it's time to delve into something deep. Haha - I see those incredulous looks you guys are giving me behind your computer screens.
Most people who have read what I've written, or have been in Sunday School with me - know I don't hold back when it comes to finding the truth, even when it means revealing "deep, dark secrets" about myself.
Maybe you've thought, wow she's "real". Maybe you've wished you had that kind of courage, to jump right into a conversation, not fearing what people think of you. Maybe you've been present for a speech of mine that you're sure could have been reserved for a more select audience.
Wanna hear a secret?
I don't trust easy. Yes, I know you're laughing again. Either you don't know me well, and you think I trust indiscriminately; or maybe you know me better than most, and it's no secret that I have major issues with trust. This post is my attempt to work past a fear that has been incredibly crippling all my life.
That being said. Trust. It's a big deal.
I mean, most of us have participated in a "trust fall" at some point in our lives, even if we weren't willing to be the victim ;) . NO ONE has an easy time trusting. Unfortunately, trust is a very encompassing term and we each struggle with different aspects of it. I have a harder time trusting others in areas such as my technological incompetency, while others struggle with trusting people with knowledge of a lurid past. We all have vulnerabilities and we ALL struggle with this issue of trust.
I think one of the reasons for this, is that there is no "one size fits all" when it comes to where people struggle with trust. We are all unique, even at birth, and as we get older our experiences shape us even more so. And while there are some black and whites in this fallen world, for now, it is best to understand that there is also a lot of grey. While a root issue for all is pride, the way that is demonstrated in each person's life is different than the next.
Whenever I come across a problem like this, I want to solve it asap. I'm a big fan of "formulas". Please, just give me the equation and I'll find the solution. And I wish that were possible, as many seem to wish as well. It's not. I've been told to trust my friends. And I agree, but I struggle with how and even why it's so difficult for me to do so. And it does come back this idea of individuality.
We are each incredibly unique as individuals. I very much enjoy the discussions I've had with so many about how this uniqueness effects the way we each view the world so differently, even when we have the same moral or theological values. We might know consciously that we are different than others, but subconsciously we often forget to take that into consideration. Just yesterday I had a discussion with an elder at church about the privileges of life and how we often take them for granted because of an inability to place ourselves in another's shoes.
I mean, you've heard the phrase "driving is a privilege" I'm sure, but it usually takes a while to understand what this means - for teenagers, as well as many adults. You who know that this is true, and why - I hope are smiling and nodding in agreement.
I myself, have taken that for granted, as well as many other life privileges. We all do. Driving IS a privilege. So is going to college. A job is a GREAT Privilege. A family, friends, a loving community? Those are privileges. No, you do NOT earn them. No, you do NOT deserve them. That's definitely a societal idea, and although I love Disney, you're dreams will not ALL come true just because you go after them hard enough.
In birth you were given certain advantages. Were you born disabled? Physically or mentally? Were you born to a loving family or left on the street to die? Were you even given the option of life? It starts at the beginning, the privileges we have as people. And no, I don't think you should resign yourself to living a second-rate life. I think you should embrace life to the fullest!
But what happens if you lose your job to the economy? What happens if a second Great Depression were to hit? What if a hurricane or tornado takes EVERYthing you own. What if World War III begins tomorrow? These may be extreme examples, but they're real. You don't have control over every aspect of the world, or even your life. If you have the mindset that hard work is all it takes to succeed, then when the day comes where you have no control over your imminent failure...well, from experience, I'll tell you, it won't be good.
And this is one of the pieces I have fit into the complicated puzzle of the mysteries of this universe and what's going on in my blasted head. I did not have an easy life, and in the eyes of the world, I deserved the hell I went through LESS than ANY of my friends and family. I was the good, naive girl who only got in trouble for reading after her parents told her to turn out her lights out. Ending up in the hospital - in rehabs - in jail?! If you had told anyone who knew me in high school they would have laughed in your face, and many people from my youth still think I'm pulling their leg when they hear a little about my life's journey.
I may not have deserved my life in the eyes of the world, but I deserved it just as much as anyone, and I am becoming...even thankful for it. Because I see things many can't. I see that a home is a privilege, not a reward. I see that your differentis as well. Relationships are in general. And that circles us back quite nicely.
Relationships are a privilege. They are not deserved or earned. And they DO take hard work, but that also does not mean you will get to keep them. I've learned over and over, that no matter how hard I work at a relationship, it does not mean they will always be in my life. And with this societal mindset that we, as a country at the very least, have - I always blame myself when my relationships fall apart. It is MY job to keep my friends and family and it is MY fault when they leave me.
Of course, it is far more complicated that, but this post is already getting incredibly long :) .
Trust is not easy for me...or for you. We are all different and we are all the same. We all sin. We all struggle. We all fail. We all want to be free. But just because we struggle with similar issues, have common backgrounds, like the same college basketball team, does not mean we always understand why a person is the way they are. I cannot use the same "formula" as you in my struggle with trust. I am working on it - I've been working on it, but sometimes, people don't see my success in this area. You don't know where, within this big general region of trusting, I wage my hardest battles...and why.
And one of the reasons I have such a difficult time, even sharing this much, is because I have pretty terrible experiences in attempting this in the past. I've tried this thing called trust and I've been hurt by it. I've been beaten black and blue by this thing called, "trust". And my friends now, they're no different. They're not perfect, they will fail me and they will hurt me just as badly as the man who walked out of my life after he promised me the world. But I will try again.
I will let you into my heart, because when you do hit me with your fist, or worse - your words & silence, I won't be alone this time. I will never have to go through these beatings by myself again. Because that's what they are. "Sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me"? Oh please, physical pain gives me a thrill. Maybe you're scared of sticks and stones - my fears are far less tangible, but just as painful.
I love you all dearly, I truly do. This is me, not wanting to convict, but attempting to trust. To explain why trust is hard for me and to let you have a peak inside my head. But I'll tell you now, the inside of my mind is a scary place, don't ask for the key if you're not ready for the haunted corn maze you'll have to traverse, complete with the most horrifying monsters popping out to scare you, as they terrify me regularly.
Of course, no one will get complete access to my soul. That is reserved for One, and no other. I am an extremist, but I've been working on finding the line between. One of the ways I will continue to do this is by following the idea behind Luke 16:10-11.
I look forward to trusting each of you - little by little.
Sincerely,
Kt
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