Dear All,
Recently God has reminded me of the task he gave me 9 years ago. A task I've put off, always waiting to be "fixed" first. Well, I'll never be "fixed" and if I constantly wait for that day to come I'm going to be waiting a very, very long time. This is a good a time as ever to begin. So here I am, beginning, with you my friends and family. I want to open myself up to you. To avail what I've learned about being bi-polar, BPD and completely messed up. I want to help the hopeless find the answers they seek, the answers they yearn for. And for many of you, their friends and family, I want you to understand what your loved one is going through.
I always knew I caused my family pain, beyond which I was scared to acknowledge, and to the point where I believed for years and still struggle with today, that I am the cause for all my family's problems. I was told recently, by two different family members that, while I caused them no end of misery, they always knew that what anguish they felt by my actions, they knew I was suffering exponentially. That simple understanding soothed my soul. Although, honestly? Understanding is not always simple, especially in a world where emotions run rampant and right and wrong blur together to form a grey that is messy and ugly.
No much is simple at all in that world. I remember much of my life by how old I was when it happened. When I was 18 I had sudden onset Bipolar, I met my first serious boyfriend when I was 20, etc. There is this one year in particular that this embodies the most. That's the one I call "Year 19". It's the year I was at my complete worst. It was a year I have hazy recollections of at best. 12 months of a drunken stupor, without the alcohol. Sometimes I say that year was so painful I've just blocked it out of my memory, but truly? I don't think that's it at all. I cycled rapidly that year between depression and manic to the point where it became a tornado of emotions. And emotions are powerful. Then when they come from nowhere and don't belong to anything, chaos reigns.
Let me explain that better. Many of you are used to the more simplistic thought of, if it's broken, you get upset, you fix it (or buy a new one), you're happy again. But not so for those with clinical depression, bipolar and many others some of which may not even have names yet. For those people, nothing has to break for them to be upset, which means there's nothing to fix, to make them happy again. I know it's hard to wrap your head around, but if you can, try to imagine what it's like to be sad, for no reason! And to not be able to get happy, because how?! How do you get happy, when there's nothing broken?
Of course, there is a slight flaw in my analogy in that your brain's chemicals are pretty messed up, but finding the right meds is a long process, one that's not easy and I'll talk about in the future. For now I want you to understand that depression is serious, misery that's not only magnified 10 times that of a normal sadness but also has no end in sight. You can only cling to God in hope that there will one day be an end. That's depression, manic however is even harder to explain, maybe because I still don't grasp it very well myself.
I know a couple things though. You do tend to think you're invincible, to the point of doing extremely stupid things without ever stopping to consider the consequences. I know you're thinking, well that's common in teens now. But it's more extreme than that. I'll give you a personal example. My second suicide attempt I was manic. My dad had taken away my car in year 19 and we fought. I told him he didn't love me, shouted some expletives and then told him he wouldn't even care if I left and was hit by a car. I asked him if that was what he wanted, me to get hit by a car? I was so manic i couldn't think straight. You're mind is jumbled and is working too fast to keep up with you and it can't focus on one subject long enough to see any wisdom in any situation. I remember running down the street in a frenzy and onto Cary Parkway thinking nonsensical thoughts and the one that kept coming back was that I had to prove to Dad that I was a woman of my word. I don't think at this point I even remembered the argument. Next thing you know I'm stepping out in front of a car and ending up in the emergency room.
I say it was a suicide attempt, but that really wasn't what it was. I never even considered whether I'd die or not. I don't think I thought it was possible, because I was "invincible". That is manic at it's worst though. At it's best you just make impulsive decisions and are beyond happy and usually talk a mile a minute. It's usually actually a lot of fun. But unlike depression there's always an end in sight. After manic always comes depression. that's the cycle for bi-polars, Manic, depression, manic, depression and so on. Do you start to see how "year 19" is a haze? I cycled fast that year, one week manic, the next depressed.
It wasn't easy on anyone, but it was hardest on me. As I know it's hard on some of you. I want you to know you're not alone. I know people don't like to talk about this kind of stuff and it's ok if you don't either. What you're going through is confusing and terrifying. That's why I'm writing this. To assure you that you're not alone. And it's not just me. You don't think I got through life being this honest without accruing quite a few friends who are going through just as much? And I'm hoping to meet a ton more with these posts. I would also like to encourage those of you who have come through the hell fire whole, to tell some of your successes. Because even I haven't heard enough of those, and I don't think you can ever hear enough. "Because ultimately it will be you, looking back at yourself, seeing how you've improved or fallen ~all depending. Nevertheless, always growing." That's straight out of my journal in May of 2010.
This was a little background on mental illness in general. After this I'll bring in the spiritual implications with mental illnesses as well as what's happening emotionally and physically. I'm thinking next time I'll work with on of my new favorite verses:
9 To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everyone else, Jesus told this parable: 10 “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. 11 The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. 12 I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’
13 “But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’
14 “I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.” ~Luke 18:9-14
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