I wanted to take a moment to talk about The Little Things and exactly how Monumentally this idea has impacted my Life.
As most probably well know by now - many years ago, I ran away from the church. And as God is Head of The Church, I also ran away from Him. I was terrified of the God I had grown to know through His Church. The Being that I understood Him to be, was not Kind or Full of Grace. He didn't give a shit about me, that's for sure.
Growing up in the PCA meant that my theology began at a young age. I knew all about how disgusting sin was and the distance it put between me and God. I understood that any good acts could not make up for this; they were no more than filthy period rags. I knew I was bound for hell and that only if Jesus' face were stamped onto my face, would I survive such a fate.
So when Life became real at 18 and I found my own thorn-in-the-side of an unhealthy coping mechanism of sex, I was screwed. In retrospect - I see how flimsy my Trust in God was. I trusted WHO He was, in the very heavy-handed teachings I had of Him. I was NOTHING. He is EVERYTHING. I must Humble myself and my pride, or He will.
True, to an extent. But the understanding that began to develop, at the raw age of 18, was that God doesn't give a rat's ass about me. He only cares about my soul. Like He and Satan have some sick twisted battle to see who can win the most before the End of Times. And when I couldn't figure out how to "fix" myself. And God seemed to be withholding the answers I needed - I ran.
I became terrified of the sick, twisted version of God that I understood Him to be. A God that wanted me to grow through suffering. That "wouldn't give me more than I could handle". Bullshit. The only reason I'm not dead from what I was unable to handle - was because He wouldn't let me die. And oh how I cursed Him for it. He gave me what I couldn't handle and then forced me to live. I called Him a Fucking Bastard straight to His Face. And I don't regret it even slightly. Why? You may ask,
Because I would rather tell Him outloud, what was simmering in my heart. The Hurt, Pain, Betrayal was buried for so long. When it finally all came out and I saw how much I hated and feared the God I knew, He was then able to teach me what I did not yet understand. Grace. Love. Kindness. And The Little Things.
I found that I only understood half of Who God was. And that's sure as hell not enough. Literally. God is Black and White and every color in-between. He gave us the rainbow to prove it! He wiped out the world and then promised us He would never do it again. But not because mankind wouldn't deserve it. Because He Loves us. God is a Wonder of Wonders in making Contradictions work together in unity. He simultaneously judges mankind to hell and saves us from it. He is AllPowerful, Almighty, Vast, Incomprehensible, AllKnowing, AllEverything! And yet - He cares about every single hair on my head?
How is that possible? It took me forever to understand that kind of Being. One that could use Hard times to Grow me, but also care so Incredibly deeply about every tear I cried and silent scream I barely contained. He was there, with me, knowing exactly what I was going through and loving me through it all. He could have made it stop. But that's not how it works. This is Life. It's Broken and messy and we chose it this way in the Beginning. But instead of rubbing our face in our Bad Choices - He's there, taking every opportunity to bring Good out of them. Whether it be Growth, amazing relationships. new opportunities - God has an insane number of ways to twist the bad to GOoD.
And He does that because He doesn't just care about the Big Things, like winning our souls to Him. He cares about our Pains, our anger and hurt. He cares about our comfort and well-being. And while He may not take a magic wand and just swish away all our suffering with an Abracadabra - He is constantly working to transform even the most shattered brokenness into the most valuable creations.
He's a God of Miracles. This is what He does. God does not work like us. He does SO Much More.
And so when I see a rainbow - I think on this. A rainbow is a symbol of a Big Promise. A Promise that He cares. A promise that is Beautiful and maybe just a little thing to notice in daily life. But that works so well in my mind. Because the Little Things are SO Much Bigger than we often realize. And it's something I want to never forget.
God cares about me. He cares about you. He doesn't only care for His Son. We are SO Valuable to Him. That's why He gave us Jesus. To teach us our Worth. We cannot learn it on our own. We cannot understand True Value without God. And when we do - Life can be Beautiful, even in the most horrendous of situations. Because God can and will bring Beauty out of Everything. That's what He does. He's the God of Everything, Little & Big. He's the God of Miracles.
