I am a Coward

I am a Coward. It's simple. I will do Anything and Everything to avoid Mental Pain. One of my Alltime Fvorite tv shows emphasizes a typical societal view on Emotional Pain versus Physical Pain...

Yes - I think this is Hilarious. It's also very, Very Wrong.

I am a coward, but if the definition of a coward was determined by a Stoic, I would be a BEAST. I am simply not afraid of Physical Pain. The idea of being shot doesn't scare me. If we were in Roman times I would make an Amazing soldier. If you looked at the things I've done...

I've gone down black diamonds in Colorado and laughed when I crashed - Hard. I'm an adrenaline junkie and if there's a challenge to be had in that arena - I have Never said No. From cliff-jumping to playing chicken in a car -- I've done it all. I could give two shits about my body. Not when it's such an easy pawn to use in retaining my sanity. In keeping the Emotional Pain at Bay. Tattoos and Piercings were used this way. Men were as well. Even a taser once.

Oh - you don't want to hear this? Boohoo - I'm not in the mood to hear your bullshit. Not if you laughed at that video and sure as Fuck not if you agreed with it. You obviously need to hear the realities of Emotional Pain because I'm sick and tired of people treating us like weaklings. I'm a Coward for Emotional Pain, the kind that you Could Not FATHOM.

You think you can empathize? Ok - Empathize.

Imagine what it's like to have a Pain SO Intense that you decide to end your life because you can't handle it. Oh - believe me, I know you've heard this before and it hasn't sunk in. So I'll make it more real for you.

There are men and women in this world who have Pain that goes so deep that they just quit Life. I remember the first time Clearly. I left work. I went home and popped pill after pill until my bath was cold - guzzling cough medicine on the side as I ate chips for the horrendous taste. When that didn't seem to be working - I got in my ugliest pairs of sweats, covered my seat with a towel to prevent a mess and calmly took a serrated knife to my arms for over half an hour, slicing them dozens upon dozens of times -  trying to get deep enough to hit a vein. It wasn't hard. I never cried out. I only let a couple tears fall when I saw that it wasn't working. They wouldn't bleed, not how I wanted them too. I remember despairing and trying harder and harder. I put a great deal of physical strength into my last attempt. It was the only one that needed stitches - about an inch deep and when the blood barely welled - that is when I let a couple tears fall as I realized that I couldn't even kill myself correctly. I had fucked up again. And the Pain from that was the only thing I felt - the only Pain I remember with a clarity that Hurts even now. I do not remember any physical pain whatsoever.

I remember Emotional Pain, physical pain does not even register as a blip in my memories. I remember Hurting SO Bad, my thoughts going at the rate of a tornado - spiraling up so High and Dangerous. It was terrifying and I am a Coward. So I walked to Cary Parkway. I waited. I saw lights from a car racing down the street at the late hour. I waited. And then I ran and stopped. I watched the car as it hit me. I braced myself for impact. I admit I was scared enough at the last minute that I twisted my body away from the car and it only hit my left side. My head hit the windshield. I fell to the ground and I remember despair that I wasn't hurt at all. I wanted it to knock me out. I wanted to stop Feeling, emotionally. And not even the physical pain from this even could stop the Emotional Pain from torturing me. All I wanted was for it to all stop. But banging your head against a brick or shower wall is only enough to ease the Pain for a little bit - it won't stop your thoughts. They just keep going and going and going...

Think about what I have said. Think about your reaction to that video clip. I find it humorous in a deprecating sort of way. Why do you? Do you think Physical Pain hurts more than Emotional Pain? Because honestly - I find sin in my life for thinking men are pussies with not only Emotional Pain, but physical pain as well. Last year - if you were to give me a gun and dare me to shoot myself in the foot - I could and probably would, depending on the stakes. I can brand myself, although I've only worked with boiling water for that type of physical pain. Physical Pain is NOTHING compared to Emotional Pain. The fact that you think that - just tells me you've never experienced this kind of PAIN. And I lose respect for you honestly. When I cry out because a piece of furniture drops on my foot or glass breaks and cuts me - are you really so oblivious to think I'm crying out from physical pain? Fool. I am crying out because I didn't catch it - because I failed.

Fuck.

I am disappointed in each and every one of you who still holds this fucked up view of life. I am double disappointed with anybody unwilling to try to empathize. Today I'm just Done. I'm tired of Idiots and Fools. I'm tired of confrontations and conflict. I'm tired of a year of growing and people still not understanding exactly where I was that wanting to LIVE, that dealing with the PAIN is a BIG Fucking Deal. I spent an entire Decade handling the Pain with physical pain, among other poor coping methods. Today I'm proud to say that I am FAR from where I was. I'm following God and I'm working my ASS OFF to Live like Jesus. And I am doing hella GOoD.

I don't have time for people who are unwilling to go through hard shit to follow God too. I sure as fuck did and still do. At least for today - I refuse to deal with y'all's shit. You are a modern day bully and the kind that is really just the Ultimate Pussy.

I admit I was a Coward and often still am. I ran away from the Pain and from God for a decade plus. But I am no longer running. I am turning to face it head on. Not only that - but I'm going Braveheart style on this Bitch. With God at my side - I know I will fucking have my Freedom. Not in this life - but the Next.

#LoveWhatMatters #FollowGod #GrowUp #DrinkMoreMilk

Random Thinking Session

I am constantly convicted of my lack of empathy for others. This is one of the hardest things for me to have pointed out by God, since it’s one of the things that frustrates me most about this world and our society. The lack of empathy we have for others; the inability to see from another person’s point of view or put yourself in their shoes frustrates me more than almost any other fault. And I do it. All the time. Bollucks. Why can’t we be perfect as soon as we become Christians again? No matter. So this particular #ShowerThinkingSession I was again thinking about the differences between men and women and that led to all sorts of unique aspects between individuals, regardless of gender, and why we are the way we are. Yes, this is my mind through every waking, and many sleeping moments. Course it goes about 100xs faster than this and bounces back and forth from subject to subject like a game of #HotPotato. But I digress.

We all have a tendency to want to be shown Love the way we understand it - which is typically the way we show it ourselves aka. #LoveLanguages (there are a whole bunch of books on this subject if this is not something you’ve heard of before). But it goes further than those 5 Love Languages we’re always talking about. As women, we have a tendency to think we aren’t loved by men if they don’t say “I Love you” as much as we’d like. If they don’t notice our new haircut or if we lost weight. We get upset when they used a coupon for a special night out or they bragged that our birthday gift was on sale. Those things don’t scream Love to us. They scream practicality which is the opposite of Love to many women.

But men aren’t women. They are men and I’m finally realizing that this often makes them different in ways I’ve never understood before. Being practical or logical or unobservant doesn’t mean they don’t love us - it just makes them men. I agree with the comedians who say women often describe their ideal mate as a woman - even when attracted to the male species, because we lack empathy to understand that their minds simply don’t work the same way as ours.

1:01:30 - 1:03:50

Course, men have this same misunderstanding themselves. Guys - you tend to dismiss an issue if it doesn’t make sense to you. I often see a superiority complex in men when they look at a problem and then decide if it’s worth their time to help, depending on how important it would be to Them. And if it’s not a problem in their eyes after a good bit of logical programming from their brains, then obviously it shouldn’t be to anyone else. And they will typically only change their minds if you can provide sound reasoning of Why it is indeed, an actual problem. Yeah - I’m sure the women are all feeling as exasperated as me at this point.

But, in the ends, it’s just a different hard-wiring system each of our sexes have. Men are logical and women are emotional. Neither is wrong and in trying to force someone to handle the world the same we do isn’t right and can lead to unhealthy results. We fit together with these two very different views of the world and life. But when we refuse to see how we are different in this regard, we are more like magnets that repel each other. Understanding the differences between our genders and, really, empathy in general - is what can often flip the magnets around to draw two people together. Opposites Attract is a very true idiom in this sense.

And I'm not even saying necessarily towards marriage or even between a man and woman. Love is Love. And as God is Love - you have Him and you can learn to Love anyone the way He loves us. We just tend to twist things as human beings. But One Day we will Love as He does. And in the New World, there will be no marriage because that is simply a restriction placed on us due to our Total Inability to Love each other in a 100% Completely Pure and Godly way. One day we will not have that restriction and we will not need it. We will #Love as God does. I’m looking forward to this more than even being Free from Pain. #One Day <3