So, I make friends, fairly easily. Maybe it’s because I don’t know when to keep my mouth shut, or maybe it’s because I get excited extremely easily. Whatever the reason, whether it’s the friend of 21(!)years I offered gum to the day she moved in next door; or my “long lost sister” I made a vow with at a party that “we would be bffs for life!” and never got her number - we all struggle with the issue of loneliness.
I listened to a woman speak last night about her work in Honduras, with single, teen mothers. She said that these young women struggled with such intense loneliness and it hit me hard. Because, no matter where I go or who I meet, that hole in the pit of my stomach I have felt so often, stems from from feeling unloved, unwanted. And even with all my friends, this is not a hole that can be filled easily. People are fallible, people leave you, or sometimes, you lose people in much harsher ways.
Death is never easily understood, when it’s someone close to you. And if the day comes when that person you rely on to feel loved, to feel like you are valuable and worth a lick, is taken away from you, I pray you have something to fill that gaping hole that will appear with their absence. Too many times I have lain in my bed, curled as small as can be, arms around my knees, trying to close that gaping maw of hurt and pain. Too many times have I met a boy who promises to end my suffering, even for the night and I jump at the opportunity to be pain-free, if only for a couple hours.
This is my to goto for filling that pit in the innermost parts of my soul, what’s yours? Because we all struggle with this, and we all have different solutions. Some of us drink, some do drugs, some cut, some watch porn. And those are the known self-medications. Have you thought about the others? Do you know exercise produces the same results as cutting? It’s all about the endorphins - that high. Have you thought about where your “baby fever” comes from? Do you maybe have the idea that if you have a child, then you would have someone who will has no choice but to love you? What about your job? Do you need to make money, to feel productive, in order to believe you have a purpose in this world? Because, feeling like you make a difference can also alleviate the pain of loneliness in the same unhealthy ways. I mean, if no one cares about me, at least I have that self-righteousness in knowing they need me.
And maybe none of these are things you struggle with, or maybe, like me, you’ve tried them all. Have they worked for you? They haven’t for me. We all want to be loved. I would also argue, that we all need to be loved. No matter your struggle, no matter your gender, no matter your nationality. Whether you’re the homeless man in the gutter, or an upstanding citizen with two children and a white picket fence. We all need to be loved.
"The sinners are on the bar-stool. The sinners are on the church pew. We are all sinners...There has to come a time when we stop seeing each other by the places that we sit and start seeing each other as the people we are. 'Cause after all - we're just people. People in need of love." -Ed Baxter Church Pew
Judgement - that too is something our world struggles with. We like to judge - I like to judge. And I do tend to judge Christians harsher than any. Maybe it’s because they have all these “answers” but tend to remind me more of the pharisees of the Bible than followers of Christ. “Bible-beating” Christians make me angry, as they see so little. Their vision is narrow and legalistic, and rarely have the very important trait of empathy. And like these “Christians”, the Pharisees from the olden days suffered from this lack of empathy.
Hearing that Jesus had silenced the Sadducees, the Pharisees got together. One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”
-Matthew 22:34-40
As much as many frown on the way society is trending, this is something the world around you has a better grasp on that the average church. I have always felt more comfortable in a bar than in church, because they accept me. Yes, that “ugly” word “acceptance”. But it is our society’s way of loving unconditionally. And although it is not perfect, I believe it is a far better way to love unconditionally that the ways many self-proclaimed Christians have found.
But I’m not done. I didn’t expect all this to come out when I started writing this, but it is not only Christians who have a problem judging. All you lgbt enthusiasts, I don’t care what gender or sexual-orientation you are, you can be just as bad. The most beautiful love quotes I find are under the category of “lgbt love”. Truly! But does this not extend to Bible-beaters? I know they started it but you can end it! And you have already begun! I’ve seen so many touching articles of love shown in the face of the truly heinous protests by people who have a such a narrow vision on what it means to be a Christian. And I am sorry for this hate done in the name of Jesus, for it is not.
I dislike saying I’m a Christian so often, because of people who hold signs that say “God hates *insert protest here*”. In a Bible search I found two instances with the beginning “God hates…” The first was worshiping other gods with despicable acts. The second had to do with erecting altars to other gods. Do you see where this is going? God is a jealous husband and it has nothing to do with the “despicable acts” as much as it has to do with whether you have idols above Him. And I would bet all my money that you do. You, Christian, also have idols that you place above God, just as any of the other sinners in the world.
We are all to be judged, but not by you, and not by me. And in the end, I’d be willing to wager that there will be far more people who label themselves lgbt in Heaven then there will be those who are so quick to exhort others in the name of Jesus. We are ALL in need of love and grace. It’s time we start learning what that really means.
Sincerely,
Katie
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