Man Vs. Woman

So - I haven't said a whole lot on the man versus woman subject. Although it is one that has always intrigued me. I've discussed it with others on many occasions and I have thought about it even more often. I was taking a shower and had a thought(because thoughts are best had in the shower of course). One of the reasons men and women are so different. Their minds I mean. They're bodies are a whole subject I care not to discuss at the moment. The uniqueness of minds is also a passion of mine and although I always knew there was a big difference between a male mind and that of a female, I am continuously confounded with new information. It actually wasn't till this year that I truly understand an average male can thing about absolutely nothing. Or nothing of importance. Weird.

"The Nothing Box"

~Mark Gungor~

Hahaha. 8:51 was particularly helpful for me as it's the differences between how guys and girls handle stress. Much different than how women do. And honestly - I still don't get how thinking about nothing solves anything. But that's the point. We are two different creations. Adam was created in the image of God. God looked at him and although I don't agree that Adam was a "rough draft" :) . I do think I see why God said Adam needed a helper. Men are smart, amazing creations. They're also oblivious and probably wouldn't be introspective if women were not created to force them to be. Men and women have unique strengths and weaknesses. Which makes sense to me. God couldn't have fit his image in just one type of person. So He made two likenesses of Himself. Adam was made in the image of God and Eve from Adam's rib. God took His own work, broke it and formed a Beautiful piece of art that can make or break an entire country. For while man may be the head of a family, an organization, a church - woman is the neck and she has the ability to turn the head whatever way she chooses.

We are the helpers of men because they Need us. And I also think they are in charge because without them having veto power, we would get in a lot more trouble with the enormous amount of power we wield as women. They are our accountability. Men are not smarter, they are not wiser, they are not better than us women. However, they do tend to be the simpler, more logical half of the human race. They would probably die out without us. But if we, women were the leaders of society, we probably would have had several more world wars or an apocalypse by now...over a pair of shoes ;) .

We are different. Men and women. And that's alright. We may not often understand each other, but we do need one another. I love my men - as much as I also scream over how Infuriating they can be and seriously? Nothing? How the heck do you think about absolutely Nothing?!

:D

Life, Love & The Pursuit of Him

Or should I say - His pursuit of me?

"Because He Lives"

~Matt Maher

*Adapted for myself

I believe in the Son.

I've always believed in the Risen One.

I believe I am overcome *grimace*

By the power of His Blood.

Amen. Amen?

I still live. Fuck - I only live...Because He lives
Amen...Amen.
PLEASE - let my song join the one that never ends.
Because He LIVES.

I was dead in the grave.

I was covered in sin and shame.
I heard Mercy...call my name?
He rolled the stone away...

Amen...Amen?!

I’m alive! I’m Alive!

Because He Lives *trembling*

Amen! AMEN!
Let my song join the one that Never ends!
Because He LIVES!!

I can now face tomorrow -

Because He Lives!
Life is Worth the #Pain - 
When I know He holds my life, my future in His Hands!!

Amen!! Amen!!

I’m Alive! I’m ALIVE!!
Because He Lives :')
Amen!! Amen!!!
Let my song join the one that never ends!!!!

Amen <3 Amen

I'm Glad I'm Alive -
Because He LIVES
Amen <3 Amen

Let my song join the One that never ends <3

Because He LIVES
Because He #LOVES

I have hated myself for So Long now. I don't even remember a time when I thought I was worth Anything. I don't remember the last time I went a day without feeling Complete Shame & Guilt. Our pastor spoke about that this morn. The title to this sermon was "I see you" and he discussed the different responses people have to that idea. Some people like to be seen - others want to hide. I have been in hiding for a very long time because of my pain. Because I don't want people to see my #Brokenness.

Those who know me - they assume I'm talking about my "history". No. I would say any sin I've committed holds not even a flicker of shame to the overwhelming hatred I have for the parts about me God #LOVES. The parts God Created. My friend once told me I have a #TenderHeart. I flinched visibly when she said that. Even now I found myself cringing as I typed that phrase. I have hated myself for So Long. I was the "sensitive" one. The one that cried over "ridiculous" things. The "dramatic" one. The girl who "just wants attention".

Yes - I did want attention. I wanted people to see ME. To see who I was and still love me. Instead I got ridicule. I was teased mercilessly for Caring. I got "jokes" about who I was. And over time, I learned to laugh instead of cry. I learned to make fun of who God made me to be. I would rather have the love of others than the love of my Creator(typical human attitude). And people proved that they couldn't love who God had created me to be. So - I learned to Hate God-in-me.

I've been a Christian since I was about 2 years old. I remember the day I prayed for Christ to dwell in my heart. Sitting on my parents four poster bed with Momma and Luya. It made sense, I didn't think twice before accepting that Jesus died for my sins. From that moment on Christ started shining forth in me, but when I started running from who I was. Who He was In me. I essentially started running from Him.

And of course - He had to go and follow me! No matter how far I ran. No matter where I ended up. God kept dragging me back! Seeing Him only reminded me of who I had come to believe I was. #Worthless. And so I reminded Him why I was worthless. Over and over I showed Him why I wasn't worth loving. Over and over I gave Him more reasons to give up on me. Over and over I pushed Him away - metaphorically screaming at Him to leave! Actions speak louder than words - and I made sure He, and everybody else in my life, knew that I was just as unlovable and worthless as I have always believed. But while it is easy to show others how Worthless I am. And it is even easier to show myself. I never convinced God of that.

But I kept trying. And when that didn't work - I tried to give up. I tried to end it. Several times. He wouldn't even let me do that. He Fought for me. He fought for more than my life. He fought for my love. Oh bother. And loving Him - it means loving who He is In Me. And that - that I couldn't do. People couldn't love who I was as a youth and adding my history since then - No. No, there simply CanNOT be ANYthing Loveable about me. Anything that once was, I learned to erase. I gave up my loves. I gave up my passions. I gave up hope. I gave up God. But He STILL didn't give up on me.

Man - this Dude's the Epitome of Stubborn! Twenty-eight years we've duked it out - Him and me. I'm pretty stubborn myself. And I have a tendency to need to do things MY way. Whiiiich typically means learning the hard way :) . But - luckily I have more curiosity than even a cat. And you know what they say: "Curiosity killed the cat. And satisfaction brought it back!" My curiosity for #Truth. My yearning to always know "Why?" That's how God lured me to Him. God is "Sneaky Sneaky, Sir." Don't underestimate the sneakiness :) .

And Definitely don't underestimate God. I mean - hello. He's GOD. When He wants something - He'll get it. And He told me years ago that He wanted me. I didn't understand why or how and so I rejected Him. But my life, the life of every Christian, the life of Christ - are testimonies of God's Love for us! He Loved me enough to die for me and I mentioned that in Sunday School today. What I think about Christ dying for me. Let me see if I can say this again. P.s. This is called a tangent - and I love those!

Some people think that because Jesus is man AND God - dying on the cross was perhaps easier for Him than the average man. I disagree. I don't think God is some average comic book superhero with extra strength, endurance and pain resistance. Jesus was human, which meant he felt every scratch, every crack of the whip, every barb piercing his skin. He also felt the pain of every person who spit on Him, who laughed at Him, who scoffed and mocked Him. And because He is God - Christ knew one of His bffs was going to flat out Bail! To save his own skin! Christ knew that Peter was going to deny Him(3Xs), when He was doing this For Peter. For us.

Do we really get that? I mean think about it. Your best friend - would they take the blame if you broke a window with a baseball by accident? What about if you broke it on purpose? What if it was the window of someone from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre's house? What if your friend was dragged inside and tortured because of Your baseball? And what if you were given the opportunity to trade places. Would you? What if your friend was given the opportunity to rat you out, knowing what would happen to him if he didn't. Would he? I think that picture is more realistic.

Christ took the blame, took the torture, for every baseball we have broken a window with, by accident or on purpose. And we stood there and watched. We stood there and pretended we didn't know Him. We stood there and Scoffed at Him as He was being tortured for US. And He didn't hate us for it. No, He took the pain out of Love for us. He took the agony meant for us. And He went through it Alone. Not even God could look at Him as He took our blame. God had to turn His face away as Christ endured the Cruelest of tortures and our miserable Mocking laughter. You may think you would never laugh in His face, but you have. I have. Every time we sin, every time we run away from Him, every time we try to separate ourselves from Him, every time we fail to #Trust Him - we are essentially saying: I got this. I don't need You to save me...when He already did.

People say that life's not like some big movie. Screw those people. Life is Totally like the movies. And my #Life would win an award at the Grammy's as a Top #Romance. The girl who loved all the bad boys, while running away from the only Man who could ever truly LOVE her. God followed me. The Holy Spirit wooed me. Christ saved me. My life is the Ultimate cliche romantic drama(emphasis on the #Drama). I mean, He friggin proposed to me and tattooed an engagement ring on my heart where I could never take it off. And even though I resented Him for that for years(total cliche romance). This day I am Finally SO #PROUD to be able to say that I Love Him. That I accept that He LOVES me. That I learning #Why He does. That the #Truth is that there are parts of me #Worth Loving. I am Valuable...because He is.

It will always hurt when people I love don't love me for Who God is in me, but it will never again be able to drive me over the #CliffsOfInsanity. Because Jesus is my Wesley. And it may be #Inconceivable, but He has "Good Arms". I am His #Bride. A princess even ;) . And I know that He will always come for me. He will always Love me - and that's More than enough. That's #Everything. Not a day goes by now that I don't cry with joy at the proof of His Love in my life. Not an hour goes by that I don't talk to Him. What can I say? He's my Guy and although I still fight with Him, and often - I Never want to be parted from Him again. He's the One Man I can say that I Cannot LIVE Without - because it's True. I will always Need Him and that's a Good thing. That's a GOD thing.

But let me remind you. Life may be a movie and it may have a #HappyEnding, but I'm not there yet. I'm still in the middle of my #FairyTale. Christ may have rescued me from the tower, and I may have stopped trying to hit him over the head with a frying pan for it, but that doesn't mean the dragon is beaten. That doesn't mean we've crossed the lava pit, or gone through the fire swamp. I don't really want to get burned or fall into yet another sand trap. And yes, I'm terrified of battling the ROUS. This world is No #Eden. Not yet. This world is not my #Home...Yet.

But it will be. Life is one Big #Wedding Preparation - with all the anxiety that comes with one of those massive affairs(anxiety times a thousand squared). But in the end...it will be worth it. To look down the aisle and walk towards the Man I Love. To know that He sees who I will become even now. That He is the one making my #WeddingDress because He is the one making me #Pure once again. I cannot tell you how much I long to wear that dress. To walk towards the Man who LOVES me. The Man who Saved me. The Man who knows my deepest darkest secrets, who has seen ALL my #Crazy, and is still willing to claim me as His Bride. Oh Fudge. There I go - grinning like an idiot again and getting all goosepimply.

I Love You, my God. You are my God. And I will Ever Praise You. I will seek You in the morning. I will learn to walk in Your ways. And step by step You'll lead me. And I will follow you all of my days.

P.s. I will NEVER be OK with the idea of cutting someone out of your life simply because they hurt you. People verbally beat me daily. Every one of you has. I even have physical scars to prove it. If I surrounded myself with people who loved me perfectly - I would be surrounded by no one. And for those who look at this post and feel pain at my words. Know that I forgave you a long time ago. I forgive you Every time you hurt me. And I know I give pain as well as receive it. But this post is not about you. This post is not even about me. This post and my life story - is about God. Everything comes back to God. And guess what - the reason it's so easy to forgive you every time you hurt me - the reason I find it So Easy to Love each and every one of you despite the pain it often brings me? It's because I see God-in-you. He's So Beautiful. Looking at the people I love most - I've learned to not dwell on the pain. I look for the Unique Beauty God brings out in each of you. How many conversations have I had that are far better than even the sunrise itself? I look at you and I don't see you - I see So Much More. I see a rainbow, with the most beautiful colors that bring tears to my eyes. I see a waterfall that falls into a crystal clear lake. I see an exotic flower, unknown to this world. A star sparkling in the midnight of the sky. A city that twinkles like gems as seen from far above. I see each of you through God's eyes and because of that, I will never stop loving you ALL. Which is probs a good thing - since we're going to be spending much longer than a lifetime together ;)

Sincerely,

Me

A Rambling Email Turns To Love

I question everything. I've sought #Truth for as long as I can remember. My mind is rarely content to stay quiet. It has frequently driven me close to insanity when it won't just shush. It  often drives my friends batty as well :D . I started emailing myself many of these rambles because it keeps me and my friends on speaking terms and my mind will often leave a subject alone if I write about it. Doesn't mean it quiets down, hahaha - as if I was that lucky. But it's less likely to replay one idea over and over, and oooover - if I get it out of the abstract and into the tangible. This is one of those. Copied and pasted from my inbox. I will admit, three-fourths of the way through I knew I would want to share this with others, but I rarely post anything without a Lot of editing. Like - hours worth. Writing is easy, editing is hard. And this has none - which I think there is a time and place for. And I believe this is one of those moments. I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Makes sense. Guys And Girls play games when it comes to dating and such. Both sexes hide their thoughts. The games were created to not scare the other gender away before getting to know them past the initial reactions and such. I'm sure if we were to hear a guys thoughts on first seeing us we would either cringe or be repulsed. And if guys heard a girls they would be ashamed or think she's crazy. Meeting a new person can go many ways, but your first reaction to someone is typically only in response to an image. Wherever and however you saw them. You didn't get the depth. You didn't see all the facets. A photograph of a person is only one-sided. It doesn't capture the beauty of someone from every angle. Another reasons I love candid pictures that capture a person's essence and not just a good angle. The first time you meet someone is the same. You're only seeing a small glimpse of who they are and it might not even be them at all. How often do people wear masks when meeting a stranger? You have to get to know them, the person beneath the mask. It takes time, patience and, ultimately - Love. When you see who they are. When you see God shining through their unique personality traits nothing else matters. When I finally peel away my own sin and see past the barriers every person places up to hide behind. When I see God in them, It's So Beautiful. I can't tear my eyes away. I love easily and without caution, but these people I cannot imagine ever letting go. Perhaps in life, but never in my heart. And that's how it should be. Brothers and Sisters in Christ - we are bound together by God. And when you actually see God in someone, past all the bullshit we all project, how could you ever forget a face as beautiful as our Saviors? I used to think Christ just stamped his face on mine and that was what people would see. That is Who they would Love, but me? I was worthless. Just a broken body bound with a broken soul that would never be worth anything. But that's not true. It is not Jesus' face stamped on mine, but Jesus that takes all that is valuable about me and amplifies it till it shines as brightly as the morning sun. We are made in the image in God. God is in our every cell. We just twist it. We warp our true natures until we are a broken mess. But Jesus, He comes and gently takes the broken shards of our soul and pieces them back together. And the coolest part?! We are not what we were once were before we were broken. We are even more Beautiful! As the ultimate craftsman, our Savior takes our broken pieces and transforms us into the Most Valuable Works of Art. There is No One Else who can do this. NoThing else. I've tried. I've tried everything. You will only end up more broken then you were before. I was not just broken over time. My soul was shattered. The shards were ground into dust and I couldn't imagine ever being whole again. I still can't many times. A true craftsman often needs time and patience in creating a masterpiece. It will be a long time before I believe I could ever be such as that. But for now, it's comforting to know He is trying. That I am Not Worthless to HIM. And that is enough. Thank You God for Loving me and waiting patiently for 28 years for me to begin to believe that I am worth it. That I am worth You. #OneDay One day I want to #Love as you do. That is my Greatest Wish. My Greatest Hope. My Greatest Prayer.

Do you see why I enjoyed writing it so much? It's that moment where my contemplation turns to God. He really is in EVERYTHING. No matter where I am, He is there as well. My theories on gender differences, my frustration in the lack of empathy in this world, my passion for art and nature, my quarrels, my regrets, my joy, my hope. I cannot escape Him. And I no longer want to. I am His and He is mine. And if He can make me into someone even slightly resembling the #Beauty I see in the people and world around me - I will happily give all control to Him. I don't want it. I never did. I just don't trust others to hurt me less than I already hurt myself. Not even God. But I am learning to trust You #BigMan. You won't break my heart. You won't shatter my soul. Just #Please, Help me remember that.

Attention: Cary, NC

I understand that there is a preconceived notion that Cary is safe. Which is true - in so many cases. In one area it is incredibly false. I have been brushed off about this too many times - so let me clarify with carefully chosen and prayed for words.

Raleigh, Chapel Hill, Munich - walking those towns, alone and as a girl can be fun and easy. Cary, on the other hand, is my nightmare. I enjoy walking. It’s often the highlight of my day. I enjoy not having a car - which is Great! Cause I can’t afford to own one. At this point I can get almost anywhere I need to be, by walking. Unfortunately, Cary is NOT pedestrian friendly.

I have talked to Several policemen about the safer routes - although they reminded me that no route is 100% safe. I know which roads I can take, depending on the time of day, that will get me where I need to go with little to no anxiety. The ones with at least one sidewalk. The ones that have lights if I need to go somewhere after the sun goes down. The ones with working crosswalks. And I have enough regular routes that I don’t run into too many problems anymore. I also have my cell-phone and my keychain mace the officers all insisted I get. But it only takes one man or one unobservant driver to end my life. And the latter is far more likely than the former.

For some reason, drivers are often entirely too oblivious or preoccupied to notice that I’m crossing a street. I stopped jaywalking months ago when I realized this. Granted, even some of the bigger streets don’t have crosswalks(or working ones) and I have to just pray and Run. But even when I wait patiently for the little green man to blink - I still have to keep my eyes out for people who think they have the right of way. I’ve almost been hit while crossing, during my turn, three times that I can think of off the top of my head. Others have actually honked at me because, for some reason, they don’t know I have been waiting for my turn at the intersection and get angry because my hour commute is costing their drive a whole 30 extra seconds.

And Honking! This is the worst. You may think it’s nice to honk and say hi to me. You may think it’s funny if you’ve heard me say it terrifies me. Do Not Honk At Me. EVER. Please. Please don’t honk. Don’t slow down next to me unless you call out my name. I’m not going to sit here and go over, again, all the assholes I get regularly who scare me shitless while walking. The strange men who have slowed down to offer me a ride. The teenagers who hang out the windows and make me wish I could put 3 more coats on.

And I deal with this by ignoring All cars. I already don’t see well With my glasses - and I am blind as a bat without them. So, I often choose not to wear them and to listen to music because these two things help my anxiety immensely as I walk. Most jerks will leave me alone if I don’t even notice them. So I rarely know the difference between friend or foe when I’m out and about. If you want my attention. Call me. Text me. Call out any variation of my name. But please understand that, for my safety, I consider every car a threat until I have reason to believe otherwise.

I Love You ALL dearly, but after being both honked at and almost hit this afternoon, spiking a panic attack that lasted more than half an hour. I’m not up to sitting by and letting y’all be naive about Cary’s “safety” in this area. Please be kind and look out for me and other pedestrains, but for the love of pete - don’t Honk!

A Cheat Sheet to Life

I do not force myself to read the Bible. I read it because I want to. And I want to because it's applicable. Because it's incredibly helpful in every day problems as well as major fuckups.

If I were to make this an analogy, not a perfect one mind you.

I would say Life is like this Massive Test that decides your Entire Future.

And the Bible is a cheat sheet - given to you by the teacher, Himself.

It has All you need to know to pass.

Course, the Teacher is like, Super Smart and shit.

And we didn't study half as much as we should have, as children never do.

So, many times, this "cheat sheet" is crazy hard to figure out.

But it is possible.

And when you start understanding, no knowing consciously, but understanding on a sub-conscious level, that the Bible is a better guide to life than any sermon, any self-help book, or friend's advice;

(Those are really kinda like second-hand translations of the same cheat sheet you have been given)

I have faith you will be eager to read your Bible, quite thoroughly.

I didn't always want to read the Bible.

(As in I thought it was the dullest, most boring part of my faith)

And honestly, I have not reached the point where I am always incredibly excited to do so.

But I do understand that it holds the answer to All of Life's Mysteries.

The Bible is 42

And that doesn't mean you have to go open you're Bible right now and force yourself to read it.

You don't need to schedule a quiet time or carry your Bible everywhere if you don't want to.

I do NOT believe in "faking it till you make it" in many instances, if any.

What I would do, is start small.

Throw a quick prayer to God.

Just one word is enough to begin.

Help

That's all you have to say sometimes.

Sometimes, that's the only word I can get out.

Although I typically add a "please" out of habit.

And if you can't yet pray, which I have often been unable to do.

Then you ask others to do so for you.

You do not even need to tell them what you need prayer for.

Just asking for prayer is one of the Most Powerful ways God works.

I know from experience.

And don't push yourself beyond your limits.

Don't beat yourself up because you cannot even do such a "simple" thing as read the Bible.

It's Not Simple.

And it's not all that easy to read.

Take time getting to know your Savior.

Sometimes that simply means talking to Him as you watch the sunrise.

Or looking for His Footprints in your life past.

Seeing His mark on all the lives around you.

When you start to see how He is Literally in EVERYthing.

How He is not only the God of creation -

but present in every situation, every song, every moment of your life...

He is a God who not only controls the destiny of the universe,

but knows Every friggin hair on your head and has counted each grain of sand on every beach ever made!

Do you understand how much of a Big Deal that is?

He is in EVERYthing.

He is there as you wake up in the morning.

And as you get ready for the day.

When you're deciding how to word an important email, He has a script for you.

When you wonder if you should wear a scarf or not, He is the only One who can give you a perfectly accurate Weather Report.

He is always with you and He is waiting for you to ask Him for help.

In Everything.

42 not only encompasses the Big Life Mysteries.

It is a guide to All of Life's problems.

Big & Little

You cannot do this on your own.

You cannot control your own life.

You cannot control anything actually.

You are a helpless babe who needs help to do even the simplest of things.

If you're like me, you'll figure this out the hard way.

You'll find yourself unable to function on a daily level without looking to God for everything.

I am often unable to hold a conversation, read a sentence in a book, or even follow the conversations around me.

I cannot do even the simplest of things without God's help.

My brokenness has hit a low I do not think many can comprehend.
If it weren't for God, I would be placed back in an institution for the mentally insane.

He gets me through the day.
I know I must look to Him for every decision I make,
every step, every breath I take.

And although I realize this is a Good way to live,

"Good" things can still be incredibly painful experiences.

My life right now is Good.

I truly believe that.

That doesn't mean I'm always happy.

Or even joyful.

Definitely not confident or content.

That doesn't mean I don't suffer regularly with fucking Intense Pain.

That doesn't mean I don't royally screw up every moment of every day.

But I will tell you this.

I am happy, joyful, confident and content with Where I Am, now...

And where I am going.

I am Happy and Insanely Grateful with how far God has brought me.

And I am Friggin Psyched to know Him better.

I want to follow the Greatest Commandment more than anything.

Solomon asked for wisdom.

I ask to Love God and put Him first and foremost in my life.

That is My Greatest Wish.

And I will pray on pennies galore for it to come true.

And #OneDay I will #Love perfectly. For I will Love God as He Loves me.

That is my Goal in Life.

That is what I long for.

Love

Everything else is semantics.

Coup de Grace

A coup de grâce (/ˌkuː də ˈɡrɑːs/; French [ku də ɡʁɑs] for "blow of mercy") is a death blow to end the suffering of a severely woundedperson or animal.^[1][2] It may be a mercy killing of civilians or soldiers, friends or enemies, with or without the sufferer's consent.

Examples of coup de grâce include shooting the heart or head (typically the back of the skull) of a wounded, but still living, person during an execution or by humanely killing a suffering, mortally wounded soldier, in war, for whom medical aid is not available. Other examples include the officer leading firing squad administering a coup de grâce to the condemned with a pistol if the first hail of gunfire fails to kill the prisoner or a beheading to quickly end a samurai's agony after seppuku.

*Courtesy of Wikapedia*

I never liked the concept of Euthanasia.

"Termination of life by a doctor at the request of a patient"

Not for the reasons many have issues with it however.

The idea of asking someone to help end my life makes me shudder.

I mean, that will scar them for duration of their own life...in one way or another.

I can't imagine putting ANYone through that, friend or foe.

The result would no longer be worth it.

Knowing I finally was able to escape the pain and suffering of this world,

but only because I had added to it ten-fold for another?

No, that's not worth it to me. Not even slightly.

I would rather continue to be tortured than ask that of someone.

I'd rather hand my assailants their weapons and say thank you for the wounds.

than give them another victim in my place.

If you haven't figured it out by now, my instinct is to take people's pain.

No matter the form - 

I would rather add more wounds to my own body than allow someone else to be mutilated.

Especially someone I love.

But that doesn't mean I don't wish for coup de grace.

There's not a day that goes by that I don't wish for God to deliver a mercy blow.

I don't know why people always think I'm exaggerating about this.

I've discussed it with a couple people and they all say it boils down to empathy.

People can't relate and would really rather not.

Instead, they will dismiss my words as exaggeration.

While etymology has always been a passion of mine, semantics has become incredibly important to me because of how often I'm seen as the boy who cried wolf.

I have been working very hard at choosing my words carefully for a while now.

So let me think about how to phrase this...

I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE

This place, this world, this life. I want it over. I want it finished. I want it Done.

That's the truth.

That's not an exaggeration.

I believe in Heaven, I believe there is an eternity waiting for me after this life.

I cannot tell you how much I look forward to a new life, a new body and mind devoid of Pain!

And I would have no problem killing myself in order to hurry this process if I respected God any less.

In this case, I respect His Power.

He has insisted I am needed here whether I like it or not, as evident by the numerous times I have already attempted suicide and been told it was a Stupid MIRACLE I survived.

But let me make this very clear for those incredibly stubborn Asses.

I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE

I am not alive because I want to be, I am alive because I need to be.

Although I do have an incredibly hard time understand what God needs me for.

I'm sure it's another issue with empathy, on my part definitely.

But I simply cannot Fathom the idea of needing to "humble myself".

Not in the ways I so often hear this phrase used.

While I do understand humility and it's importance, as well as the issue of pride.

For me, that typically means wanting to control my life, not because I think I'll do it well.

But because giving control of your life to another being involves a great deal of trust.

And, in the past, I have made the mistake of trusting the wrong people with it...

The results speak for themselves.

I have only just begun trusting God with my life.

But that doesn't mean life is suddenly all hunky dory.

No, I have too many issues with trust to know how to do it properly.

Right now, trusting is often enduring the pain.

Even when it drives me down to the ground, begging for a mercy blow.

Right now trusting means when I'm in the shower and it begins to hurt -

Instead of beating the wall with my fists till their bruised in bloody -

I choose to lay with my forehead pressed against the bottom of the tub and silently scream until I can scream no more.

I lay there as the shower rains down until I am in danger of passing out and drowning.

The trip from the shower to my bed is harder than any of my winter runs.

Letting the darkness claim me as I lose consciousness - is my reward.

You can think that's an exaggeration or a strongly worded paragraph for effect.

It's not.

How many times have I covered up the marks from losing it?

How many times have I walked out of a place so people wouldn't see my pain?

How many times have I found ways to ease my private suffering in public that didn't draw attention,

but left small bruises for days.

And those are just the physical scars.

They do not even begin to portray the scars in my mind.

I know many understand.

I know many relate.

And I know it's never talked about.

I know we're taught to suppress our pain, which often causes it to pressurize instead...

And eventually explode.

You have NO Idea how good I am at suppressing my emotions.

NO Idea about how often I wear an incredibly realistic mask.

My mask does not scream that I have my life together.

No, my mask says "I'm fine. I'm not in pain."

When all I want to do is go somewhere and lose it.

Perhaps you think I'm exaggerating again.

Or maybe you have been scared by me, because you feel you have seen me in pain.

Both are wrong.

I could sit here all day trying to make you understand this the way I'd like to...

but an explanation about my natural ability for isolation exercises is not the solution.

And I'm attempting to let God run this show.

I cannot force you to see more than you are willing.

If you are stuck on being blind to the Pain in this world.

If you are too stuck on your own pain to see that there are others with pain as well...

You are walking towards a crevice you can't see in this state.

And you are going to fall.

We are all the same and we are all unique.

We all have pain...and it is all very different.

Right now my path on this Pilgrim's Progress involves scaling a very steep cliff.

The hand and footholds are made of broken glass that bite into my flesh as I climb.

My whole body screams to give up.

Even my head is too weak to look up for an end to my journey.

I am beyond exhausted and it wasn't till this past weekend that I finally had a chance to rest.

I wouldn't call it a vacation and even a sabbatical sounds like more fun.

 This was like finding a thin shelf to lay down on for a moments breath.

It was a place to gather my courage and my strength and brace to begin climbing again.

I wouldn't call it a peaceful rest as my wounds did not magically heal,

but before I began to climb again...I looked up.

I saw my destination and hope flared anew.

I KNOW what's at the top and I will not give up till I make it.

There are moments when I see why this world is worth it.

There are times when I understand God's plan for Eden -

When I catch glimpses of it all around me.

I Know it's at the top of this cliff -

The understanding of why the pain is worth being alive.

And the excitement of not only believing and having faith that it is.

But seeing it for myself - hastens my climb.

Even as my hands and feet shred from my journey.

Even as a tear escapes I keep my eyes on Him.

For even if I never make it, even if I never see the view in this lifetime...

He is with me.

He is worth the climb, even if I never make it to the top.

And so, I keep going.

Seeing The World Through His Eyes

I want to tell you how I see the world.

Not just w/ my eyes. Or even my ears & nose, but w/ my heart & soul.
_____________________________________________________

I'm sitting here, on the crook of a trunk, in the rushing middle of a creek.
I'm watching the water ripple & sparkle as the sun rises ever hirer.

No mere pictures could capture the beauty here. No human could either.

But I'm not seeing this place through my eyes. The beauty I see in this place, in this world comes from the sight God has given. A vision that overlaps my weak, mortal eyes.

W/ this I still see the trash littered everywhere, the polution and imperfections - But I see MORE than that. SO much more.

W/ my eyes I see solitude & a place to Rest. W/ my ears I hear peace - the sound of the birds as they sing the sun up to the Heavens; the lyrical notes of liquid life caressing each stone as the creek burbles around & beneath me.

I feel the rain of last night beneath me, dampening the moss & the wood of my resting place. I feel beams of warm sun on my cheek & I feel Loved. I feel calm & joyful. I feel like bursting into song. And so I have.

I have sung & danced on this natural bridge. I have let go of my anxiety. My worries & cares, just for this moment w/ God.

I came to this place for a reason. Not to run away from my troubles, but for this moment, this Beautiful moment outside of time with Yaweh - w/ the Man, Being, Savior Who Loves me more than I can fathom in my small understanding of this world & beyond.

But sitting here as the sun rises & my favorite song comes on the radio attached to my hip. Sitting here I see a little, just a little more of how God sees the world, w/ more than physical senses, but w/ Hope, Passion & an Incredible Love that #OneDay, One day I will be able to give as well as receive from Him.

My Greatest Wish is to Love God as He loves me.

My second is to Love others the same.

The 2 Greatest Commandments are what I pray for. The 2 Greatest Commandments are what I live for, and what I'll live on for.

I want to Love - there is nothing greater than Love. For God IS Love. If you know one, than you know the other.

And if you understand God's Love for you - if you can feel it the way I do, now, w/ not just your senses, but your heart and soul, than I have no doubt you understand this journey I've begun.

My Pilgrim's Progress.

A journey involving trials, battles most fierce, damsels in distress, heroes most bold, & Victory.

Though we may often lose faith, though our feet grow weak and weary, though we lose friends along the way - there is a light at the end of our Path. There is Hope in the darkest of places. There is Good in Every situation.

And keeping this in mind - keeping God's vision forefront and not my own - that's what gets me through the pain - that's what keeps me going as I'm wounded.

I may bleed from a Thousand cuts, every rib broken, and my very eyes gauged out & I will simply lean on God's vision & crawl.

I will debase myself before the world; humble myself before God & I will follow Him though it cost me EVERYthing.

Because He is worth it.

I know from experience that Nothing else is.

And maybe I will have to pull my broken body up a cliff inch by inch w/ no easy path, but He is there. I am NOT alone and when I reach the top of this cliff - I already have an inkling of the view.

I smile now at the vision I've been given of it. The small understanding of how this suffering will be worth it. And my excitement cannot be contained.

I may not be able to go faster. I may fear that I will fall and I know I will scream in pain every time I acquire a new wound, every time an old scar opens and the blood pours forth.

Then again, what better to encourage other travellers than the clear evidence they are Not alone on this journey.

We may not all have the same paths to travel, but they often cross.

And you'd be surprised how often people are energized by knowing they're not alone on their Pilgrim's Progress & they're not alone in their Pain.

Then again, maybe that doesn't surprise you. I just know it often does me.

Not so much that I can relate to someone's suffering, but often the people I relate to most are the last I'd expect.

How many people have I judged by their mask, by the image they projected and never bothered seeing deeper, seeing the ways we are the same. For we are all the same, and all different as well.

One of my greatest passions is finding how I can relate to each individual, & the ways I can learn from them in areas we don't share the same experiences and understandings.

Love is often seeing the Best in someone, while not ignoring the worst.

Love is seeing God in a person, seeing the way God magnifies & amplifies their individuality. How God shines these qualities from the person more brightly than any sun.

He does, but often we're too stuck on our vision; on the imperfections.

You cannot Love in a Godly way only using your own vision. You must use God's.

I pray I grasp that on a more subconscious level.

If gauging out my actual eyes would give me total access to God's vision, I would. But I fear it will be much harder than that.

But I won't give up - I won't stop climbing, even if I fall back to the ground. I will reach the top of this cliff and see the Beauty I know is waiting.

#ChallengeAccepted

Journal Entry This Very Morn

Full of imperfections. But I did not want to lose even a small part of the wonder that filled my heart, mind and soul as I sat on that log, in a place outside of time. So I decided to write it here, in my blog, word for word.

Every grammatical and spelling error, every short-hand method I used is present. And maybe you will be able to see that photo as I remember it, even though neither words nor mere images can express what I saw.

Grace: Lost in Translation

Luke 16:10 New International Version (NIV)

10 “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.

Luke 16:10 New Living Translation (NLT)

10 “If you are faithful in little things, you will be faithful in large ones. But if you are dishonest in little things, you won’t be honest with greater responsibilities.

*Bible Gateway*

These are two incredibly different translations and while translations in general are rarely perfect, and the interpretation is even more difficult, even for the pros who go to seminary for 4+ years! And then there's the application of the congregation and - oh dear! We have already lost the essence of the Truth behind some very powerful verses.

And although I know very little about the pros and cons of various translations, I will tell you that I heard an an interpretation of Luke 16:10 (NLT) by a speaker that I believe has twisted the truth behind the verse in a very unhealthy albeit a very common and even popular(!) way. He used this passage in support for a point he was making. A point that disturbed me greatly. He said that if you follow God faithfully, God will present you with great opportunities. I continued to listen and I kept hearing this man push how great things will happen when you are faithful to God.

I'm not going to hold my punch with this -

This Is WRONG.

"Wrong!" 0:59

Ephesians 2:8-10New International Version (NIV)

8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast.

GRACE

I talk about that a lot. In my blogs, my posts, my daily conversations...cause it's a BIG DEAL. The Most Powerful word I know and understood by very few.

What Grace means, in practical terms, is that Life's NOT Fair...

...and how friggin Amazing that is!

If life were fair, we would all be going to hell. Honestly, if life were fair - we'd be there already. Not in some mythological pit with flames creeping up the sides. No. Hell is far worse and place to be greatly feared. I don't know if you've ever had the guts to imagine it, but I can't. I can barely handle the pain in this world - the idea of a place where you are in perpetual agony is a subject I'd rather not go near with a 10-foot pole. And I won't. Not now. Suffice to say it's a fucking awful place and we ALL deserve to be thrown in and never let out. If you don't know that, you're lying to yourself.

And that's Exactly why Grace is Such a powerful word to me. Because we DESERVE to go the HELL. A place that even satan himself is terrified of. He's not some "lord of the underworld" - he will be trapped in there along with the rest of us sinners. And yet, We Are NOT. Because of Grace. Because of Grace, we are literally saved by the Greatest Superhero of ALL Time(and beyond). By Grace you are saved. Through FAITH - and this is not from yourselves.

So that's what gets my knickers in a twist about this speaker, among others. You cannot earn Grace. You cannot Earn ANYthing. What? You think Grace just applies to "Judgement Day"? Oh bother. We've already been judged y'all - and forgiven. God is outside of time and we're just playing catchup. Everything we do now. Everything we say. Every thought and deed...these don't condemn us OR earn us any kind of exemption or opportunity. It's a done deal. The tricky part comes in seeing and believing that.

Consciously, we know Bible Verses. We can spout them off by rote. We can apply them in a theological conversations with our college buddies. Subconsciously, we often don't understand the first thing about them. And when it comes to Grace, we know very little, or nothing at all. I am only beginning to understand the basics of such an Extraordinary word. And the understanding I have gleaned thus far, is that God loves us...SO much that He sent His only Son to die for us. Hold on. Lemme continue. I am also of the opinion that Jesus went to hell and suffered every atrocity, every pain, every hurt and humiliation that we have and also the torture we would have earned, in order to take our sin from us.

Understanding this, that Jesus, being from God and Of God, took our place in the most brutal culmination of the "Saw" movies you could ever imagine. If you understand that kind of Ultimate Love. That someone was actually born just to save you from a justified hell so that you can live an UnFair Life, than it will be easier to understand that He is always there, looking out for you. Another perk of Grace.

I do believe that the closer to God the more opportunities there are for you. I do NOT agree we earned them in any way. In fact, I believe that God Loves us SO much that He is friggin Constantly presenting us with opportunities of all kinds. We just don't see it. We want SO badly to do what WE want to do. Our job, our significant other, our children, our home, our friends, our LIFE - we have an idea of what it should be and we strive for that and expect God to tag along and help us out. If you deny that, you're lying to yourself again.

*Disclaimer: I personally love skim milk*

We want to do things OUR way, not God's way. And as God is crazy complicated, we don't often see that His way is the Best way and often reject it when He presents it to us. You'd be surprised at how often following God in a small way, that doesn't make sense and often goes against what we want to do, can lead to incredibly Great opportunities. I know it's constantly surprising me!

I believe it tends to boil down to seeing the Big Picture. Remembering that God LOVES me and only has my best interests at heart. You may say you know that, but do you? Do you trust God SO much that you would trust Him with the life of your child? There's a man in the Bible who did - you know the story, His name was Abraham. And honestly, from what I know, I believe Abraham's testing exemplifies the idea of idolization very well. We think we know best and we often idolize many good things God has given us, especially the ones we love most. I've wondered if Abraham idolized His son and this was the way God got through to Him. And, in the end, Abraham followed the Greatest Commandment, but because of God's Grace - Isaac lived.

And maybe that's a wrong interpretation, but I think the idea is pretty sound. We are to love God above ALL else. That doesn't just mean our material possessions and our jobs. We are to love him more than our children, more than our spouses, more than All our relationships. We are also to love Him more than our comfort. I struggle with that. I often idolize happiness and normalcy. I idolize the idea of a life without chronic pain. We are to love Him more than our health, memories and sanity. You will lose one of those at some point in your life, if not all three...and I'll tell you now, it's a bitch to lose something you idolize.

Cause we rarely see the big picture. I mean, it's easier when you know you idolize it, but not when you don't. And there are SO many things we sin against God by placing in front of Him and when we lose it, our first thoughts are not thankful ones typically. When you lose your job or your home, are your first thoughts of the grateful variety? We often don't see the good in those situations.

I lost a boyfriend I loved, to death, and I cursed God out. I knew that I never would have given him up for anyone or anything, but it's taken me a lot longer to understand that this was not THE reason he died. God did not take him away because I loved him too much, but there is good that has come out of that situation. One of those things being that God and I started talking again. Starting with me cursing Him out. That actually opened the gates of communication between Him and I. We talk and talk and talk - and now He won't Shut Up! I'm starting to be ok with that now too :) .

He's helped me start seeing the big pic I'm always going on and on about. And as I love crazy easy - too easily in some people's opinions; seeing the Big Picture is what can get me through the pain of imperfect human love. I tend to give pieces of my heart away willy-nilly and feel every tear as people, often unknowingly, rip it to shreds. But just because it hurts, I won't stop. The pain blows, but I'm learning how to handle it and it's worth it. The only thing I will NEVER do again, is give my soul away to an imperfect man. I did once. And while a heartbreak can always be mended, when your very soul shatters...

There is only one Man equipped to handle that kind of commitment and I constantly thank Him for showing me that I can trust him with my heart and soul. That He will NEVER leave me or forsake me. And I know that when I am sitting outside in the rain with my back pressed against the brick, uncrying and staring blindly at nothing, my hands clenching and releasing with the effort to contain the pain of a broken heart, He is there. Sometimes, I will break down and scream. I scream and I scream and no one calls the cops because it's completely without sound. I take a big breath, open my mouth and roar silently. And as every muscle tightens and tenses, seizes and shakes, as my mind seems to be shattering from the mental screaming of my tortured soul, He is there.

He is not my torturer, but my Savior. And I will admit I often forget that. When you are being tortured you often are in to much pain to be able to tell up from down, much less pinpoint the face of the person currently ripping your fingernails out with a pair of pliers. But again. Grace. God has taken the time to help me trust Him, to see His very face as well as that of my torturers. And it is my friends, family, co-workers, boyfriends - it is the people I love the most that I see in my torture chamber. They are the ones carving their signatures into my flesh as I watch in mute horror.

But I also see my own face among the crowd, eagerly goading them on. I am my greatest torturer. It is my hands that that leave the bloodiest wounds and the ugliest scars. I taunt myself. I call myself the vilest insults and tell myself the evilest lies. I hate myself with such a passion that I beat myself bloody on a daily basis. But I never saw this. I never saw the faces of the people mutilating my mind. I only knew that God was there, but I never knew that it was his hands that were shielding me from the worst of it. That He is my protector and not part of the mob. That He LOVES me and it is His face that I keep my eyes glued to as my ribs are being broken one by one. His Pure Love that keeps me sane through the insanity.

I often pray for God to take me Home, away from this world where I can be free from this torture. But I also add, if You won't - if I need to be here, in a world where I end up on the floor EVERY day because the pain is too great for me to stand. A world where I regularly curl up in the shower and wish the water would wash away the blood from wounds inflicted inside my very mind. A world where I can't scream out loud and I rarely cry actual tears, because those have been condemned by our society and it is ingrained in me to suppress them, no matter the cost. A world where I can't share this without intense ridicule or even worse, an oppressive silence.

This pain is NOT fair. I didn't receive it as punishment for my "bad history". I did not earn it and I certainly DON'T deserve it. But I don't deserve anything - good or bad. I don't deserve my home or my friends. I don't deserve my high school diploma or the money in my wallet. Nothing is deserved or life would be hell - literally. Grace. Grace is what makes the world go round. Grace is why I am alive. Grace is why I'm LIVING. And Grace is why I consider Suffering a Blessing, even as I pass out from the pain yet again.

We need to accept Grace and the pain that comes with living in a broken world with broken people. If you follow God in Everything, things will work themselves out. Me and God still fight over doing things my way or His, but I typically let Him win now, because His way keeps proving to be better. Yeah yeah - that's a duh. But do you really believe that, deep down in your soul? Think about it. Do you not only ask Him for advice on whether to take that job overseas but also what shoes to wear in the morning? Yeah, you'd be surprised about how often I have that convo with Him and also the stories behind why.

Haha :D

Peace out Home Dawgs! This is my revision after I've finally had a whole friggin 8 hours of sleep which means I've been pain free for 10! That's a record this year and I'm starting to understand it's not wrong to enjoy it while it lasts.